I was reading the beginning posts of my last thread, here, and chuckled a bit at all the optimism it contained. I spoke about how the sexual moratorium had pushed a big "reset" button, and I was being myself, and there were all these new possibilities, etc. I'm still being myself, but I think I was doing a bit of self-deception, at least in the area that concerned my hopefulness for a new era of shared intimacy.
Rather, what the moratorium has provided me is a sense of clarity. I am just not that attracted to my wife anymore. I love her, in the sense that I can still look at her after our daughter does or says something cute and share a secret smile of understanding. I can hug her after a long day when she comes home vibing "limping bunny." I can share happiness with her when she reports some exciting news.
I just don't look at her the same way. I don't see her the same way. I see her without the shroud of desire cloaking her hard edges. It's that "new relationship" Burgbud mentioned.
In some ways, it's good. For example, I spent a good portion of yesterday installing a light in our kitchen. It was pretty complicated, at least for me, and there came a point when I had to make a choice about how high the lamps would be above the island in the kitchen. This height was determined by certain extension tubes you could add...or not add. I made a decision, based on my height, but when it came time to clip some wires, I left a lot extra because I suspected MsHdog might want the lights lower than I did, midget that she is. She did indeed want them lower, and this means significant work for me. However, without the veil of desire upon her, I heard her request as one that was made rather politely. Had she made it 4 months ago, when the veil was still in place, I might have taken it much more personally, as if I'd let her down. Now, it's more of a business deal. The customer doesn't like the height of the lights...good thing I allowed for that.
No feelings hurt.
For those familiar with the NMMNG book, this is about the end of my focusing on her "availability" and how my actions impact that quality. I'm not focusing on her availability anymore because I don't have much interest in the outcome. I was going to say "any" interest in the outcome, but "much" is more accurate. There just isn't the concern that I used to have in the possibility that something I do or don't do will have any effect on her willingness to ML with me.
And yes, there is some sadness that goes along with that, too. And yes, there is fear and worry about the high probability that my life is (and the lives of my kids are) facing a major disruption ahead.
I'm still working on getting familiar with this clarity. Sometimes it jars me.
this is about the end of my focusing on her "availability" and how my actions impact that quality
I do understand what you mean by this. Now that I have no bf/gf expectations of my bf, I do see him more clearly. I like him. I wish him well. I admire how he is taking care of his mom (now that I don't see him as taking that time away from me), and I can either be around him or not. I don't have a huge drive to be with him in the hope that it will lead to intimacy later. Or doing something for him in the hope that that will cause him to see me as desirable. It is very liberating. There's much more room inside my head for other stuff.
Has your shift in attitude triggered ANY different behavior, attitude, speech, ANYTHING from her? Has she given any indication that she's noticed?
And no, I haven't seen/heard/felt anything different from her which would indicate that she's noticed. But, in my acceptance of her as she is, I notice in myself a decrease in the sensitivity level of that part of my brain which was consumed with the task of monitoring her every word/action/look.
You and I are pretty much in the same place, mentally and emotionally. The only difference being that I've communicated it to my wife already.
It is, as you've described, both simultaneously liberating -- and sad. It is, however, honest, and probably some of the truest feelings I've felt about my wife in a long, long time, maybe ever.
As someone very wise just told me:
Having your image of your spouse dashed to pieces is a hard pill to swallow.
Realizing that they are human, frailties included, somehow seems to let us down, disappointed in the real person that we find behind the facade. Only problem is that the facade was a combination of what we WANTED to believe, and the spouse's projection of themselves.
Having your image of your spouse dashed to pieces is a hard pill to swallow.
Realizing that they are human, frailties included, somehow seems to let us down, disappointed in the real person that we find behind the facade. Only problem is that the facade was a combination of what we WANTED to believe, and the spouse's projection of themselves.
I think in every R, you eventually come to the point where you see the person behind the facade. When people fall in love, they inevitably put a lot of expectations and fantasies on the beloved. This is normal and natural IMHO.
The mask has to go if you are to be truly intimate. Sometimes the person you find behind the mask is a caring, kind individual who loves you and whom you can still love, often even more than when you had them up on a pedestal. You love them in their humanness and vulnerability.
Yes I also know what you mean. It is indeed liberating. But, is it a good thing, or a bad thing? Will we drift away, or orbit at a safe distance? I see indications that my W will reach out more now that I have pulled back, so maybe this is OK. OTOH, if you get both people pulling back then that's bad.
I remember when I came into my time of acceptance. It was a very painful thing... having all my lovely illusions shattered.
My xH didn't act any differently when I reached that point (even though I wrote him a letter, and cried and slept on the couch for three nights in a row. He knew.)
He just went about doing his thing. I came to realize that if I did nothing but accept him, things would pretty much go on as before, except, I just wouldn't be invested in any outcomes.
So the next thing I had to do... was accept myself and what I wanted... and own it. That took about six months. After my car accident... there was just no going back for me. I filed for D, and it stunned the ever living he!! out of him. It stunned him, I think, because he never got around to accepting me for Who I Am.
At some point, the madness has to stop. Accept one another and create something new, or move on. Moving on is no more easy than creating something new. But if the person won't work with you, accept you... I see it as getting backed into a corner. Some people can remain and live with it. I personally could not. My shrink was right. He could not give me that answer. No one could. And once I made my decision... I didn't ask anyone what they thought. I did what I needed to do.
Hairdog, I've been hanging out on the midlife crisis board, but I wanted to come back and check how you were doing.
My cohorts on the MLC board have told me that I need to master the art of "detachment" for my own mental survival. I'm finding this to be quite difficult to do. After 23 years, so much of my identity has been intertwined with hers. I have to untangle myself from the vine and learn to feel secure without my wife's love.
It appears that you have found a way to detach, to insulate yourself from the pain. Well done. I hope I can follow your lead.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
