I'll try to keep the back story brief, but it's relevant so I need to include it. Been married 4+ years, together 7 w. 4 y/o son. Our marriage has not been healthy for years, for both of us but more so for my wife. Early in our relationship I cheated on her with my x-wife. She should have broken up with me then, but didn't. She has been unable to forgive me and herself for staying with me and this has caused building resentment and emotional damage ever since.
A year ago we went to counseling which didn't help much, neither of us could be honest about our problems. She went to individual counseling for anger control issues relating to the problems above. Not much was done for therapy, but her Dr. gave her some anti-depressants. Those helped her get by, but also squashed what good feelings she had, causing us to grow further apart.
So, in November she had a brief affair with a friend of a friend. It started as emotional fulfillment and got physical at the very end. It only went on for 3 weeks or so until I found out. I confronted her and she fessed up to everything. She said it was stupid and completely out of character for her. That night she said she needed me to move out so she could get her life together. After a week of undignified pleading, I agreed to leave.
It's been about 40 days since I left and I've been through the emotional roller coaster from hell. I've done a lot of introspection and started going to counseling myself and found it very useful. I've identified the faults and flaws that hurt our relationship from my actions and have a plan to work on them. With my therapist, we are going to change the beliefs that drive my behaviors. Most of this stemming from insecurity and low self image.
I had been hopeful about our separation. We talked often, one of us calling almost every night and I go by to visit at least twice a week. Usually dinner on Thursday and I take laundry over there on Sundays. Sometimes when I visit there is some awkwardness, but often it's like nothing was wrong. When we talk on the phone it's great, we've said more and had better communication than we've had in the last year. I know she has a long way to go to resolve her issues and she really hasn't had the opportunity to meet with her therapist yet, all they've done so far is change around her meds. She has said that she isn't interested in marriage counseling until she gets some of her issues resolved.
I really wish I could drag her into couples counseling. She did go to a therapy session with me, which was encouraging. We took some kind of relationship compatibility test and he went over it with us. Afterward she said it was really insightful, but she was still to emotionally damaged to start relationship building right now.
I've been a bad husband, neglectful of her needs and took her for granted. Things she's always said but I never saw until now. The affair and separation was a wake up call for me. Wish I had come to my senses earlier. Funny thing is, now I'm "in love" with her again, feels like when we first got together. I get excited when she calls and it makes everything alright. I know she doesn't feel the same, but I can accept that.
Last night she commented on that, said she knew I was in love with her and she loved me, but not in a romantic way. She also said that while we were apart she was waiting to see if she missed me, but never did. After that I broke down and gave her my ring back and acknowledged that it was over. If she didn't miss me while I'm gone, no amount of therapy is going to fix that and nothing I improve about myself will make a difference. We were both upset and crying and wished things went differently.
After I got home she called and we talked some more. That perhaps a month of separation wasn't enough to make a difference and that we may be too hasty in calling it quits. I also thought that if I'm gone from the house, she's not going to miss all the negative stuff. The things that irritated her or made her mad. And she's not going to miss the good things about me because we talk every night and see each other often. I also wonder if the lack of missing could be due to the anti-depressants she's taking.
Really looking for some wisdom and advice. I want desperately to save our marriage, but I realize it may not be possible at this point. Is any of our behavior "normal" for this kind of separation? Is there anything I can do to get the love back? Or have we past the point of no return and need to cut our losses.
Please, if your a pro at this or been here before, give me some direction. I don't know what to do anymore.
