I'm so happy for you that things are swinging back towards reconciliation! Thats amazing. Your patience is paying off. Funny that people give the stangest advice..I've had friends telling me to tell him to get lost all along. But you knew there was a chance he would change his mind and didnt want to "burn your bridges" so were happy to act as if and put a smile on your face. I admire your tenancity ! I hope you get more encouraging news.
Also...Transformer, I cant PM you ! Your thread is locked too?Can you read the last entry and email Brian and send him your details so he can forward them to me !? I sent him mine already.
Sorry to use your thread Kalni !! Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Individual therapy may undermine more marriages than even poor couples therapy. Because relationship problems are the main problem people bring to individual therapists, individual therapists are treating marriages whether or not they realize it. Unless the therapist has values that support marriage and is careful not to turn the non-present partner into a villain, individual therapy can undermine a marriage. Every experienced marriage therapist has heard these stories: a spouse goes into individual therapy, receives support for a one-sided view of the marriage problems, and becomes increasingly pessimistic about the marriage. The therapist then questions why the person stays in an obviously bad marriage. The other spouse is clueless that the marriage is unraveling in therapy, and is not informed until it’s too late. These therapists do not intend harm, but often their orientation is to the personal happiness of their individual client who is distressed in a marriage, without enough regard for the welfare of the other spouse and the children—and for the lifelong commitment that the client once made to the marriage for "better and worse." Sadly, it is not uncommon for therapists to recommend divorce after a few individual sessions without a real assessment of the marriage and its possibilities for survival and renewal.
My own sitch is one where what started out being with a MT, after 6 or so sessions, the T just wanted to see my W. I really think that this T has had a negative effect on the M.
Nothing happened last night. I didn't ask him to stay for dinner beacuse the kids had already mentioned they had dinner at the party. I asked him to stay for a while until the kids would be ready to go to bed. He did, -with his jacket on(I had mentioned in the aftrenoon he looked good in it but I am sure his intention was to show me he is leaving for the night). We talked a bit about how their afternoon was, he asked me about the newborn and he took off.
Today has been very quiet. No phonecalls, nothing. He is going on a business trip abroad on Monday morning coming back on Thursday and he'll be coming at the airport while I'll be there. We'll see if he calls.
He wants to take the kids on Saturday to the C. I agreed because I'll have my Friday afternoon free and when he goes, my C told me she'll try to talk to him again about HIS problems not our R, because she is very anxious to start sessions with him (and stop with me, says I do not need it I just need a self esteem boost and I can get my -"no more than usual problematic person"- paper). I am pretty sure he has alot to talk about. I don't think it will be easy to convince him though.
We'll see.
Ali, keep strong, I am always thinking of you, do not worry about "using me", I am just happy I am useful hopefully in more than one way... (attempt to be funny)
Lizzy, get the calendar, I think it's made in the states, it has the month day order in reverse order, not the European one. Controlling is my middle name as far as he is concerned, so you are right. I must pick wisely...
I'm glad I was able to read up on your situation as you've been very supportive of me during my brief time on the boards.
My W was very similar to your H as she said "the only reason you have any chance at all is because of our D. If she wasn't in the picture, you'd be gone already."
It is encouraging to see that your DBing has been very influential in turning your H's attitude around somewhat. My W won't consider MC and I'm very concerned about that because I think her T is one of those who will want to make me the villian and encourage her to leave.
In any event, thanks for supporting my thread and I'll continue to check in with you to see if there is any way I can help you as well.
Every experienced marriage therapist has heard these stories: a spouse goes into individual therapy, receives support for a one-sided view of the marriage problems, and becomes increasingly pessimistic about the marriage. The therapist then questions why the person stays in an obviously bad marriage.
I feel very strongly that this happened in my marriage. My wife refused to go to marriage counseling with me, until she started individual counseling first. She was very hostile to me about the content of her IC.
Our own MC never "got off the ground" as it were.
I hate some of these therapists. They see people when we are at our most vulnerable. We, in our ignorance and pain, grant them so much power. And they play god, making judgments, nourishing the seeds of doubt in what are essentially good marriages.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Use the time that H is away for yourself. Pamper or spoil yourself, do something that you've always wanted but haven't for whatever reason. If he calls, great, but don't initiate contact. You sound like you are heading in the right direction. I hope it continues. Good luck!
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
SirPrizeMe and LeighS, I thought of you when this happened today :
Sent a part of Michelle's book to my C, translated by me of course. I don't know how good of a jod I did, but she called furious to tell me that I shouldn't be reading this kind of staff. It was the part about why not to divorce your spouse. She said it sounded scary, and almost an attempt to mentally blackmail the one who reads it, to not think of divorce even if they are unhappy...
Well, I knew she would be like this. I think she is upset that a book could help me turn around my attitude so much and not her. But I did it by myself (I know I may sound arrogant but it is the truth). I was very lucky to find the DB books after I was sober enough to be able to see that what I was doing matched Michelle's philosophy.
I went to her when I was falling appart, the first month after he left, I asked her to help me get "closure". I was desperate and sure he was not coming back. She tried to tell me he is no good (in a subtle way). She kept telling me of course like Michelle says, to focus on me and maybe that's a little boost I owe to her. But I am seeing her now for other reasons that are very clear in my head. Not directly associated with my M but If I get them out of the way it will help in the future. At least she is not against the possibility of a reconciliation with my H. I am glad he talked to her beacuse I believe she thought I had lost my marbles when I mentioned that, a week earlier. She thought I "was seeing" things... I may need to ask Michelle if she knows anyone here (!!!)to recommend to me. --------
A couple of friends here, told me before, they were excited my DB seems to be working fast. It didn 't. After reading so many stories on this site I realised that I have being trying to detach for months but wasn't able to because it was too soon and he was giving me all the mixed signals.
I've mentioned it before elsewhere I believe, I've had suspicion, clear indication better said, of an OW, dealt with his anger, his re-writing of our history, moods, Hoodini's acts, lies,hidden mobile phones, etc. etc. I dealt with me all this time and I was beating myself up really hard. "Everything was my mistake". I felt as if I were a horrible person. Mean, ugly, vicious you name it. I had to deal with my kids at the same time and did so many 180 turns that always brought me back at the same spot. So much anger, resentment, failed efforts to revenge him, etc. etc. I tried so hard to explain to him that our M was worth a try, to rationalise everything, to bring back loving memories (wedding picture albums-it's in the book not to do that), used the kids, our friends, wrote letters, was going dark for a day or two, was caring the next day, nothing worked. I just wish I knew then what I know now...
When I found the site, I was ready to do anything to take it further because my change of attitude was immediately noticed by him (but I am one of those people that kids are a bond that gives you the chance to show the changes quickly). I had already a proof in my hands that it works and I could trust the philosophy, no doubts and..., I had no other option since I wanted him in my life. As a great UK therapist emailed me back then "you are at the make it or break it point, be generous...".
I am now at a point, where the book and you guys, your stories and advice help me the most. It's pretty simple :patience and reinventing our better selves. It's the hardest part of all. I am reading and re-reading how we all struggle to let time do most of the work for us and in parallel investing in our good qualities and letting go of the destructive manners and attitudes towards life itself.
The best part of it all is that very often the last few days, I have people coming up to me telling me I look great,sweeter, the don't see the misery in my eyes anymore, I remind them of the girl they used to know, my kids think I am the best mom of the world and I believe I am OK. That's the best reward for all the s$$$ I've been through the last year (is it? nearly).
I don't know what is going to happen, I do not know If I'll make it to "piecing", I have lost my trust to him completely, but I have regained my trust to myself and I KNOW, that I will be able to deal with whatever comes my way. I may not like it, I may feel really sad and down, miss him like crazy, feel hopeless again from time to time but in the end I will be fine.
Just felt I wanted to share these thoughts with you. I can't promise there won't be more coming, but I had to today, mainly because I see what Alie (and others) are going through the last few days and I still feel the pain and the sadness, thankfully not the anger and the fear anymore. (((ALIE)))
Take care all,
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
Kalni
PS My close friends are relieved because ever since I found this site, I don't go through every little detail with them anymore. I know they are so tired of me..
He is been calling, I've been answering, etc. etc.
My son, out of the blue- asked him tonight "do you love my mom?" He said "yes sure, I love her" (as a friend, the mother of SOME of my children, blah blah..).
My son told me afterwards " I needed to know, I was curious..."
He is coming back on Thursday morning. Let's see if he is calling me when he gets at the airport. Oh yes, he called on his way out but I wasn't at the office yet (I was late), asked if I needed anything from the Duty Free shops (I work at the airport, can get anything I want). Txted him last night I missed him "sooo much", I think he enjoyed it. He said he is getting a lot of needed rest (Hey ((T))!! good for him with all the overtime waiting for him, right?).
When you said "My close friends are relieved because ever since I found this site, I don't go through every little detail with them anymore. I know they are so tired of me.. " I too have had to stop talking to most people, apart from my best friend and my sister in detail, people just dont understand that it can dominate your thinking so much..but yet they would if it were a death. For me, the suddenness of it ending is like a death to me. You saw the death of your normal family life and now hopefully, you are experiencing a rebirth? I wish you luck on Thursday!... Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
