MLC Stage 3, Act 2 - what's next??

[ReDesigner]

I have not been here in a while because it seemed everything was in suspended animation. Now, I'm not sure what to do next. I hope some of you will have a few suggestions.

Previously I posted under Falling slowly - but the pace has picked up considerably.

First, my D's 16th birthday is next week. I will fly out to see her on the other coast. This will be the first time I've seen her since before Christmas. In November, I arranged a ticket with her agreement, to spend the holidays with me. She told me she had to change the return date, but reluctantly told me - it was so she could move out of her uncle's basement to move into a big house with her dad and the OW.

I heard nothing from her father contrary to my plans, so I concluded she would spend the holidays with me and he would be spending them with OW and her kids. Instead, she flew in on a ticket her dad bought, the day before the one I bought. I saw her for 5 hours the next day, then had to drive to my parents' for the holidays. She said she would stay with her dad and see her friends. Of course I was hugely disappointed, but told her that it was her choice and she would have to deal with it.

I called her a few times during the holidays and as she intended, she flew back early. What I didn't know until the day after New Year's Day was my H abandoned our house and flew off with her. In a terse email, he complained he tried for two years to conclude our M in a civil manner, but I did not go along with him, so now he was done and I would have to deal with the mortgage, bills, etc. It continued - blame, blame, blame, accuse, blah, blah, blah, etc.

A week after my D stayed in the house with the OW and four kids, I called her cell. I wanted to surprise her with a visit for her birthday, asking her when we can get together, knowing her dad would probably have planned something with the OW. She sounded distraught, asking me instead what I'd do if she asked me to get her out of there - now. She said it was alright at first, but she didn't like the habits pf the OW and her kids. Of course, I let her know - say "when" and I'd have an airfare, but it would have to be her own decision. I asked her to let me know when she wanted me to appear for her birthday if there were conflicting parties.

I didnt hear a thing from her so called her cell again. To my surprise, she answered instead of her voicemail. After small talk, she told me she was -supposed to tell me something. This sounded ominous. She said she was now staying at her uncle. Her dad broke up for good with the OW! She said her dad and OW were fighting every day since they arrived and they did not even last two weeks at the OWs newly rented house. It was 9 days. My D said they were both at her uncle's.

Now, this is the incredible dilemma. I was homeless, finished my job contract in December and my D spent the holidays in our home with her father instead of coming back with me and my family. In a space of three weeks, now H quit his six-figure, prestigious job, is homeless and womanless! Is this an example of karma - "what goes around comes around?"

With him stranded, we still cannot conclude the legal separation agreement. He thinks he can just leave me with the house and that's it. However, I can't even put the house up for sale without his signature. If the house sells, the proceeds will be in held in trust until there is a legalized agreement.

I got a new lawyer, recommended by the parish priest. Apparently, there is nothing she can do, since he skipped out without an address. All we have is his email address, so she suggested I send him a message, asking him to sign an emailed agreement and mail it back. I have been now waiting a week and no word from him. My message only discussed the house agreement, that I was not going to spousal support and would go along with splitting the pension and shared custody. I also underlined that I wanted to protect our D from adult issues. I never mentioned the alleged break-up. Seems to me he should not be using our D to deliver his - adult message - about his affair.

At this point, it is clear he might have hit bottom of his MLC. He has nothing. However, neither do I. How to give him a carrot to sign the sales listing for the house? He offered me the whole house as a lump sum so he wouldn't have to pay alimony, now he is hesitating, but I think it's more because he's broke and in debt because of his long distance affair.

He continues to be addicted to blame. This time, D said he complained he was sick of fighting with the OW. He blames her for his self-created predicament. A friend who saw him recently told me they talked for a few hours when he drove my D to her house. She told me she felt sorry for him. He looked depressed, talked only about superficial stuff, never about his break-up. She says she hopes to find a chance to talk to him, alone, but doesn't know what to say to help. I suggested the best is to attempt to direct him to professional help.

Has anyone read a new book: Mistakes were made: but not by me? Seems it could be something helpful to LBS.

I'm not sure whether to help him by offering him some of the house proceeds, a percentage, if he signs the listing. Hard to say whether that will reduce some resentment. I realize his anger and resentment come from childhood issues, but I am his imago target and he'll likely continue to blame me rather than look inside himself. I am not in favour of breaking up our family, but I also want to be a strong role model for our D who is watching what I do. I also don't know whether to tell her I feel sorry for her dad and the mess he has created for us.

D told a friend he's going to his mom in Houston right after her birthday next weekend. It is also his mom's birthday a few days later. I suspect he will try to get some cash from his mom to bail himself out.

I was wondering whether he is seeing the light now that he's broken up with OW. He might try to get back with her, since he's now in such a crisis. I suspect she broke it off, after realizing she had to support her four kids, as well as him and his daughter. What is the best to do? Leave him alone? Try to conclude the agreement? I am also not sure whether I want him back, even if he begs. He's carrying so much debt and seemingly no remorse. He's confused, but so am I!

H: 55
Me: 53
Married: would have been our 25th this year.
EA: 11 or 12/05
D: 16
I moved: 09/06
Allegedly brokeup with OW: 08/01/08