Hi Chelsea Thanks for stopping by and your kind comments. Yes DBing works. I think there is majic in the detaching part. It seems no matter how hard a spouse tries it is only after detaching that the wayward spouse decides they want to save the relationship. We still have a long way to go but at least we are headed in the right direction. Practicing DBing has been good for me too. I no longer depend on H to make me happy. I can do it myself. I can take care of me and be happy. So no matter what happens I know I will be OK I will follow your thread and keep you in my prayers.
hi. i have been away for a while. i read your postings and wonder what i am doing wrong. my h is still set on ending this marriage. the separation will be five months next week. we moved here (from california )four years ago on 2/10 with promises. i want to send him an anniversary card to remind him. he keeps asking me, 'what are we going to do' and when i say i want to try, work on it, go away for a while together, all he can say is that he has told me how he feels. i told him that for the first time in 40 years i feel i can not share with him. he has become very selfish and i find myself crying all the time now just like i did five months ago. i don't think i can do this much longer. i go to SBT person tomorrow (got snowed out last week) and i know she will tell me to take care of myself and forget him and us for a while. but the longer this goes on i feel like i am losing whatever is important. we have both daughters getting married this year and i asked him if he could consider working on this until the october wedding...we needed a united front now and i also told him i can't do this. he said i am strong. i said that he and God have been pushing me to the limit. i am so afraid. he is supposed to come by tonight. when i arrived home last night after being gone since wednesday i kept hoping he would show up to watch the superbowl. then the ER called and i couldn't track him down since his cell phone was not on. finally got in touch wit his brother who got in touch with him and he called me. i asked him if he was back in his place and he said no he was en route from watching the game. i asked why he told me he had no plans..he said it was on the spur of the moment...oh sure...some people from the hospital and probably OW. he asked didn't i have friends. he doesn't understand other women think this is catching and for him it is easy. i know nothing is black and white but i need steps to follow. i asked him what i can do. i do not blame him. i am reading 'how one can bring to together' or something like that by susan page...but it seems like when i get to the part about why you should end a relationship...his attitude fits the reasons and i can not accept this reality...and that is my problem. what did yo guys do when you truly thought it was over...or did you always have that glimmer of hope. help me please. i am falling off a cliff.
hi. i have been away for a while. i read your postings and wonder what i am doing wrong. my h is still set on ending this marriage. the separation will be five months next week. we moved here (from california )four years ago on 2/10 with promises. i want to send him an anniversary card to remind him. he keeps asking me, 'what are we going to do' and when i say i want to try, work on it, go away for a while together, all he can say is that he has told me how he feels. i told him that for the first time in 40 years i feel i can not share with him. he has become very selfish and i find myself crying all the time now just like i did five months ago. i don't think i can do this much longer. i go to SBT person tomorrow (got snowed out last week) and i know she will tell me to take care of myself and forget him and us for a while. but the longer this goes on i feel like i am losing whatever is important. we have both daughters getting married this year and i asked him if he could consider working on this until the october wedding...we needed a united front now and i also told him i can't do this. he said i am strong. i said that he and God have been pushing me to the limit. i am so afraid. he is supposed to come by tonight. when i arrived home last night after being gone since wednesday i kept hoping he would show up to watch the superbowl. then the ER called and i couldn't track him down since his cell phone was not on. finally got in touch wit his brother who got in touch with him and he called me. i asked him if he was back in his place and he said no he was en route from watching the game. i asked why he told me he had no plans..he said it was on the spur of the moment...oh sure...some people from the hospital and probably OW. he asked didn't i have friends. he doesn't understand other women think this is catching and for him it is easy. i know nothing is black and white but i need steps to follow. i asked him what i can do. i do not blame him. i am reading 'how one can bring to together' or something like that by susan page...but it seems like when i get to the part about why you should end a relationship...his attitude fits the reasons and i can not accept this reality...and that is my problem. what did yo guys do when you truly thought it was over...or did you always have that glimmer of hope. help me please. i am falling off a cliff.
hi, i am not sure when or even if i will ever get here but I was reading looking for hope... When i read about you trying to get over some of your anger and fear because of OW. There is a Gary Smalley book called (I think) Keeping the Love Alive. The entire first half deals with releasing anger and was very good for me when i read it...I am not dealing with OW situation, but still had anger...anyhow i ended up giving it to my H a while back when I was in my begging stages...and have not read it in a while, but Something you may want to read. Laura
Ronnie: I have not posted in awhile, and just happened to find yours tonight. Let me just say to you, I know how your heart is breaking and the awful, awful pain you are feeling right now. Tomorrow will be 8 months of separation for us, and you will recall I have been married for 32 years. I thought, like you, I could not take it any longer, and my world had ended. In fact, I nearly ended my world - am sure you read earlier threads from me. I no longer feel that way - how did I do it you asked? Because I hit the bottom - when you do that, either you stay there or you climb back out of the darkness. Ronnie, I know you love this man, or at the very least, the notion that you love him. In reality, we can't love anyone until we love ourselves first. You will have to ask yourself that question - how much do I just care about me? I had to let my husband go, big time. I know everyone tells us to do that, and your question is how? For me, and I know you have a faith from reading your posts, it was faith. This was something bigger than me - I could not handle it, and I had to turn it over to God. I did this by meeting with a parish priest who prayed with me - then with "baby steps" in talking to God. Now, every morning, before beginning my day, I have a private conversation with God - believe me, it helps. Secondly, I used therapy to the maximum. We have communicated about this before, and I encourage you to continue. I have journaled, read everything I could and can, exercised, taken classes (some worked, some didn't), taken Tai Chi, meditated, sought new friendships, cherished old friendships, and most of all - stopped feeling sorry for myself! If you haven't gotten Michele's tapes, I encourage you do this too! Listen and listen and listen - she has great things to say. This may not be what you want to hear, but the solution to ending your misery is with you. This is not about your H - and I know how you feel about him. This is about you - take this as an opportunity to shine - consider it as a "gift" - a time for you to become the person you deserve to be. I am not the same person I was 8 months ago, and I won't go into everything here. However, I will tell you that if this had not happened, I would have never have known the person I am today - Michele refers to it as the "butterfly" reaction. Oh, Ronnie, pick yourself up...dust yourself off...pull up your suspenders...look yourself in the eye, and go for it. Do it for you...not for your H. The more you buckle, the more you cry, the weakness you show, just drives our H's further away - it is only when we show our strength do they seem to notice again. I guess I have gotten through this with sheer guts, determination, faith, tears, solid friendships, therapy, God, and knowing I was not going to give up - that I, for me, was going to change, and do the opposite of what everyone thought I would do - that I was going to show them!!!! I know you can do this - I can tell by reading your post that you desperately want to make it - just do it - we are all here to support you - keep posting!
Ginny: I am not doing well. I can't get out of the pit. H stopped by tonight and he asks me 'so what are you going to do' and that presses all my buttons and we begin the relationship dance. he clams up and doesn't talk and i go on and on...into the beg and plead mode. when he called tonight it is the same thing. all i want is a chance. he said bluntly he isn't coming home....yet when he left he told me the other day he figured he would be home...and again it is 'if it could work it would be the easiest thing...but what if it doesn't' and i say we need to try...and he says he has...and we go around in circles. i am so alone. i am a spiritual person. my rabbi here is not compassionate and i am doing the faith thing on my own which is not easy. i have made some friends (single women) but hate crawling into bed at night and being alone. h knows all this. i tell him all the time. all i want is a chance...to begin, let's go skiing....etc. we have to do the taxes and will do it over the weekend...either saturday night or sunday...could be a big chance for me. i go to SBT person tomorrow. i asked h to go too and he thinks all this therapy is a waste since i have not moved out of my depression. he says he hates being in limbo and wants to move on. i ask what that means and he says, 'you know what that means.' he never says it. he knows i want to be his friend and his lover...and i know anything now has to come from him. do you see your h. this is such a small town and everyone is a couple or strange....and since we moved here four years ago to 'save our marriage' i didn't make friends since h said we would have friends together and do things together. when did this all begin to fall apart i ask him. no response. i asked him if he was scared. he said the only thing he is scared of is me and how i react to things. he says he doesn't want to hurt me or make me cry. but i tell him he is hurting me. he might as well shoot me. i know i have hit rock-bottom...but i have no energy or desire right now to climb out...i am stuck...where i was four months ago one month into this. i still cry all the time. all night i am alone. i miss my children and most of all him. i told him the children are creating their own families and he is my family. then he will say he has to get off the phone.
please give me more help...all the time...i can't do this alone and i feel so alone.
Ginny: I am not doing well. I can't get out of the pit. H stopped by tonight and he asks me 'so what are you going to do' and that presses all my buttons and we begin the relationship dance. he clams up and doesn't talk and i go on and on...into the beg and plead mode. when he called tonight it is the same thing. all i want is a chance. he said bluntly he isn't coming home....yet when he left he told me the other day he figured he would be home...and again it is 'if it could work it would be the easiest thing...but what if it doesn't' and i say we need to try...and he says he has...and we go around in circles. i am so alone. i am a spiritual person. my rabbi here is not compassionate and i am doing the faith thing on my own which is not easy. i have made some friends (single women) but hate crawling into bed at night and being alone. h knows all this. i tell him all the time. all i want is a chance...to begin, let's go skiing....etc. we have to do the taxes and will do it over the weekend...either saturday night or sunday...could be a big chance for me. i go to SBT person tomorrow. i asked h to go too and he thinks all this therapy is a waste since i have not moved out of my depression. he says he hates being in limbo and wants to move on. i ask what that means and he says, 'you know what that means.' he never says it. he knows i want to be his friend and his lover...and i know anything now has to come from him. do you see your h. this is such a small town and everyone is a couple or strange....and since we moved here four years ago to 'save our marriage' i didn't make friends since h said we would have friends together and do things together. when did this all begin to fall apart i ask him. no response. i asked him if he was scared. he said the only thing he is scared of is me and how i react to things. he says he doesn't want to hurt me or make me cry. but i tell him he is hurting me. he might as well shoot me. i know i have hit rock-bottom...but i have no energy or desire right now to climb out...i am stuck...where i was four months ago one month into this. i still cry all the time. all night i am alone. i miss my children and most of all him. i told him the children are creating their own families and he is my family. then he will say he has to get off the phone.
please give me more help...all the time...i can't do this alone and i feel so alone.
you mentioned michele's tapes...do you mean the keeping love alive tapes. let me know asap and i will order them.
Just came across your post tonight. Hang tough girl. Ginny has posted some great advice to you. Read her post a couple of times.
I can sympathize with the lonliness and pain you are dealing with right now. It's not easy. My H and I were separated for a year. The first several months were pure hell. I look back and wonder how I did it. But I did, and you will too. Submerge yourself into anything you can that makes you feel better, like reading, socializing, etc. (Ginny has some good ideas).
You will get through this, you are much stronger than you think. You just don't know it yet.
And as Ginny stated, show your strength. Try the best that you can to show H that you have detached from him (even though in your heart you haven't, but he doesn't need to know that). This is were I saw a turning point for me.
Chelsea: what is your story. i will check the threads. are you and h together again. my h told his cousin last night (she talks to him about our relationship all the time since she can not understand...she is his cousin but my friend for years) and he said he is not coming home...ever. he said that five years ago when we were separated...but after six months he began to come around. might have been the kids....whatever...but he is so definite and firm now and that scares me. somedays my guts say it is over and other days i have hope. i called him this a.m...since i had to get up for school he should have gotten up even tho it is his day off...he laughed...yet i fear he will contact the lawyer on a day off where he has nothing to do. fear is part of my problem too...fear, emptiness, loneliness and unhappiness.
i am trying you guys...i have hit the bottom and now i must begin the climb up but i cant even get a footing to start.
Winter is getting very old. maybe the groundhog will come out today and say winter is almost over.
Ginny, haven't heard from you. Chelsea either. And JW you are basking in the california sunshine i am sure.
i went to the sbt person last night. she explained that her appraoch is at right angles with the regular counselor i have been seeing (feelings-emotions etc). i am a list maker and a direction taker type person so i think the sbt is so much better for me. i am also going to do another phone consultation with the guy from michele's office/suggestion. (michele was busy and her office recommended this guy. that was before xmas)
anyway, the counselor, carol, told me that what makes my situation truly difficult is that h left ten days after youngest went to college so the empty nest alone is a loss. she told me to concentrate on that part first. to figure h is still around but busy and to fill my time as if he were still living home. and as far as detachment, she explained that was important but not to cut off contact. so heeding that advice, i called him about 10 last night to tell him about somethings at school, thank him for the check he left and other mundane things (not the relationship). he didn't answer at his place and i got upset so i used his cell phone number. he was in the ER and i immediately hung up. he never called back. i worried. called him this a.m. and again no answer. figured he was in shower...waited and paged him...he called back. supposedly he slept at the hospital and was enroute now to his place to shower and change and go to work. he got three cases yesterday (his day off) and was stressed. he got angry at me. i waited fifteen minutes. called him back and softly said, 'please do not be angry about me for caring about you.' his reply: 'ron, you know how stressed i get when cases pile up and that is how i feel and i can't be bothered with talk about us that will upset me.' my answer: i worry about you. and i know how you get. maybe i didn't show you when i should have but i understand. i only wanted to share my day with you, my best friend.' his answer'that's ok. i will talk to you tonight.'
I did it...no relationship talk...talked quietly...didn't critize him. felt good.
so sbt homework is to make a list of all the things i do in the next two weeks for myself to take care of myself.....and to investigate other things to do. she said it is important that i fill the time, same as i would have had to do with #4 gone and h at home.
hope this works because i can't do this alone thing much longer.
When i read about you trying to get over some of your anger and fear because of OW. There is a Gary Smalley book called (I think) Keeping the Love Alive. The entire first half deals with releasing anger and was very good for me when i read it...I am not dealing with OW situation, but still had anger...anyhow i ended up giving it to my H a while back when I was in my begging stages...and have not read it in a while, but Something you may want to read.