I'm new to this forum and wanted to post my story in the hope that you can offer some advice....and hope.
My husband and I have been married for 10 yrs (and were together 9 before that) and have 2 boys aged 8 & 4. We split in April 06 after a stormy 9 months of trying to make it work. Our marriage failed for many reasons, my husband wasn't very helpful around the home or with the kids, infact he had a non-existant relationship with his kids. I pushed him away, withdrew my affection, didn't show him I loved him. It was a vicious circle. He confided in a female colleague but there was no sexual affair just a strong friendship and that hurt, an amotional affair is almost as bad as a sexual one. It felt like he was having an affair, he kept his phone with him at all times and he lost a ton of weight and was taking anti-sepressants. It was a horrible time.
I thought when he left me he would begin a relationship with her - he didn't, which surprised me. We continued to talk, spent time as a family. We still loved each other and there was always a bond between us. I wanted him to come back and try again but he was reluctanat to, saying i had hurt him greatly (he is a man that needs lots of affection) and even though I assured him things were different still we remained separated.
In the meantime we began to sell the family home. I became stronger, joined the gym, began sepnding time with friends, going out, having fun. He saw the children regularly and realised how brilliant they were, he had a good relationship with them now which made me happy but also sad too. Why couldn't he be like that when we were together?
In Jan 07 I moved into my own home. We still talked but he refused to come back. I began dating, just for some fun, someone to spend time with, nothing serious. In the summer I went on holiday with the kids, first time without my husband, it was hard. I also discovered that he had begun seeing his 'friend' from work. She too has two boys. That REALLY hurt but wasn't a surprise. In September I began divorce proceedings. My husband buried his head in the sand, said he didn't want a divorce?
I too began seeing someone, but it never felt right. There was always this invisble thread attached to me and my husband. In October my husband asked me if we could try again. I refused, too much time had gone by, we were both involved with other people. My family were very against him, he had caused a lot of pain and upset. He persevered and asked me nearly everytime he dropped the kids off. But he was still with her. I thought maybe the relationship had broken down but he said he was just living his life and she was in it. He continued to ask, said he missed me and his children , missed being a family, missed our life.
We talked but I was so scared, could I trust him, had we both changed enough. After quite a traumatic Christmas with texts begging to come back, I relented and on Boxing Day we talked again.
He tried to end his relationship, which he found very difficult as this woman had fallen for him big time. I think she thought the relationship was ok. Last weekend he took her away for a night in London (it was a christmas present). I was devastated - what on earth was going through his head. Asking me to try again but unable to end his relationship. He never told her the real reason he wanted to end his relationship with her.
In a fit of anger I rang her number, she put the phone down on me so I rang her back and told her the truth via a message, that my husband still loved me, missed being a family and had tried to end it with her because he wanted to come back to me. I wanted her to hurt like I had been hurt.
My husband is still seeing her, yet talks to me saying that his life would be different if he came back to me & his children. He says he has never said that he isn't coming back, that I need to give him time??? But this makes me so angry. Why should I wait any longer. Why is he continuing a relationship with someone that he can't see it working out long term? I am so confused.
I have BIG trust issues, feel very insecure and doubt that he really wants to make this work
If anyone has any thoughts or comments i would love to hear them
I don't have a lot of time for specifics, but I felt really compelled to advise on a few things:
I would say this is most important: If you even THINK you may want to make things work w/ your H, STOP NOW any angry words or anything that could possibly make him change his mind again about wanting to come back. That would include contacting the OW. I don't want you to think right now that you don't want him back and do or say anything that will make him not want to work things out and then regret that later.
Get Divorce Remedy asap and read it. I think most importantly you need to look at yourself and figure out what you want for yourself and your children. It seems that you have worked on yourself all this time and probably are at a good place w/o H. Now you need to decide if you want him in your life and your children's life. The trust issue is going to take a long time to get over. You need to look at yourself and decide whether you want to forgive H and move on. Honestly, whether you decide to work on your M or not, you will really need to get to a place where you can forgive your H or it will affect future R's and your mental well-being if you can't do that.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I do have a lot of anger inside me which I know doesn't help anyone, I just need to express it in a different way.
I had begun to 'deal' (as best i could) with my situation. had moved house, holidayed for the first time without my H, really made a different life for myself. He seemed to be moving on (although I often got little hints that that wasn't the case).
So, when he began to attempt a reconciliation i really was very confused and held off for a long time.
I just wonder what I did wrong (if anything) and what I can now do to keep him still interested. I do want my husband cabk and I do want to work on resurrecting this marriage.
I just don't know if I have any more fight left in me
