Thanks one and all. A good mix of understanding, support and as* kicking, the combination of which was very helpful. Thanks for the time and detail you put into your responses to me. I can't chnage what is happeneing here.
I do need some tactical support with the following issue, and will need you all to advise me on how to “shape the battlefield” here.
A while ago, I emailed WAS, and informed her that I would like to start saving money. D17 was in school in Utah for out-of-control kids to the tune of about 9K/month. W. said “we couldn’t afford it” back then, so I backed off. I cannot split my disbursement from my Army check to two accounts, so it goes into our joint account.
I obviously need to begin to save some money. The Army allows you to put money in an account that will yield 10%, pretty good. I would write a check monthly and put it into that account.
WAS and I have not talked about what happens when I come home at all. D17 told me last night WAS wants a divorce. They’ve talked about it in the family counseling sessions over the phone. Got it. I toald D17 that would not be my choice, and moved on. I didn't look for any support from her. Just reassured her, I had no control over what happens, but we'll work through whatever it is. I REFUSE TO SAY THIS IS FOR THE BEST, OR EVERYONE WILL BE BETTER FOR THIS. Talking with WAS is really a painful experience, so I haven’t done it. Any email is never met with a response.
I don’t know how badly she’s strapped for money, and have no access to my account. She has had the basement remodeled since I’ve been here.
Here’s the question: What’s the best way to inform her, I’d like to put away $1000/month, without blowing this up worse. Remember, it’s always anger!!!
Good to hear your at a good place. There's no easy way. It's basically you calling or sending a certified letter explaining that your goal is still to improve your relationship but, failing any work on her part, that you will need to begin splitting the finances as soon as possible to arrange for your return. A little cold hard reality about getting the house ready for sale and preparing for a downgrade in lifestyle to support two separate households is needed. Yes, she will spit and moan. You didn't and don't choose this but it has to be done. Can you get any legal aid while over there? If so, the do it. You might also speak to the chaplin and see what aid he/she can provide. Your chain of command will be able to help some as well so don't overlook them in getting advice and support, if simply moral support.
Really good advice. Thanks. I'm going to collect some more help, and then I'll respond to W. You're right. I chose NONE of this. This will alter our family landscpae forever. I thionk about my son getting married in 20 years, and even then, how awkward it would be to be there with her and her family if this unravels. Thanks again!
I cannot split my disbursement from my Army check to two accounts, so it goes into our joint account.
I would write a check monthly and put it into that account.
1. How would you handle writing a check for the account while you are in Iraq? Do you both work from the same checkbook?
2. Although you said the Army won't split your disbursement, once the check gets to your joint account can you set up an automatic withdrawal to a separate account?
3. Where does your wife's paycheck go? Into the joint account, too?
I have never done online banking, but many here have suggested that to you. I know you want to get a handle on where the money is going. You could ask your wife to send you the monthly statements or arrange for the bank to do that. Do you have an email address for the bank? It seems so confusing since you are so far away! I would just ask for the information in a objective way. (Such as: "Please send me copies of the monthly bank statement"; (don't say "I know you want a divorce so I have to start saving so I don't live in a dump")
It seems to me that you have the right to ask for details about how the money is spent. What did the remodeling cost? If your wife does not want to cooperate with giving you details on how she is spending money from the joint account would you be able to change the place your Army check goes? (i.e. set up a new account and YOU write the monthly check to her for household stuff). IT IS YOUR MONEY! You are not trying to take it all away from your wife, but you need to have your fair share. Mostly you need to know what you have/don't have.
My only suggestion (looking at it from your wife's point of view) it might be a blow to all of a sudden have $1,000 less to spend. The first check you write could be for half that amount.
(I would also suggest keeping copies of requests you have made re. finances in case you need that in the future).
... my son getting married in 20 years, and even then, how awkward it would be to be there with her and her family if this unravels.
When my H informed me that he wanted a divorce we started right away saying we wanted to be able to dance together at our daughter's wedding and have all our family and friends feel comfortable. I think it's difficult to even imagine that while you are in "limbo land". Six months ago I said it, but I didn't really believe it was possible. Now I believe it! We have seen too many ugly divorces and we don't want that!
I had a little view of that at Christmas at my nephew's house. My sister (his mother) was there with her boyfried. His dad (my sister's x) was there with his new wife. My nephew's x was there with her finance and parents. My parents were there. I actually said all we needed to round things out was my STBXH!). By the way, we all were having a wonderful time!!! Of course, my sister was divorced over 20 years ago so they have had time to work on this!!!)
Thanks, Matilda. Good advice as well. I guess your nephew's house at Christmas saddens me on so many levels. I know you were all having a good time, but, I have no brothers or sisters, our friends were my friends. She probably gets to keep all of that, and I have to find a whole new life. It sucks! Not being to be together when your kids get married, not being grandparents togeher. It all seems so disposable these days.
I guess I'll start with an email very shortly. Let's see if I can get some more opinions.
FLTC--me again. I am having trouble keeping my mouth shut (or my fingers still!) I think it is up to you if the friends you had as a couple remain YOUR friends. YOU have to cultivate that friendship!!!! It WILL be different! It won't be easy! It can be done!!!!!
Thanks for NOT keeping your fingers still. I think I might post my top post here on "Surviving" to see what I can get in temrs of advice as well. You guys have been great, and it's good to here a variety of answers. Ahh..the friends. You know what's weird? All the neighbors who were so supportive of me before I left for Iraq have not contacted me once!
I'm having lunch today with GLTC! He was my roommate at Ft. Bragg. A highly competent African American officer who went through the same thing with his W. 2 years ago. He single handedly raised three outstanding dauhgters while his W. was diengaged for the last 6-7 years. He got custody of all three of his daughters, who he does homework with via the internet 4 hourrs before his 16 hour day starts here in Iraq. He took charge of his life when his W. walked out. He lived for his girls and found and married a wonderful woman almost immediately after his wife divorced him. He was detemrined to reclaim his life. He's a great friend to talk to.
Give them a little nudge then! It's a two way street and if they don't reply then you have your answer! Wow! So many exclamation marks! I think I need to cut down on the coffee!
