ok I need some perspecitive here. My H and I are in the D process. I got the bomb in feb 2005. i found out within 2 weeks there was ow...it was deny deny deny...then finally in 2006 he admitted it to me alone...once and then never again..oh until i caught them in our home about a year ago..then he said come on its been 2 years..then he introduced her to our son said she was a friend, when son questioned him that is was more than that he was adament nothing more at all...son never sees her again that i know of and she is still in hiding I be quiet about her....because he has son convinced and I always had this hope tiny hope that by hiding her..it made it easier for him to come back....u know the less people who know about her....they say easier for them to come back...i have such strong beleifs against divorce and believe me if i didnt this wouldnt be so hard...i am a nice, attractive women and i even have a good job and make a very decent income...anyway.....just had a conversation with our realtor who told me she is sure my h has no girlfriend..she has such a way of bringing the subject up i sit here and think about how it was done and i guess i walked right into it..anyway she say oh he doesnt have anyone, he has looked me right in the face .......and then my h counsler told me that last summer too......well see i know his cell phone code and i know not to snoop and when i do its in hopes i wont find anything.....but i do , so i know its a fact......my question is this...he is d me.....its in the works....why oh why is it still a secret...i mean it makes me have no respect for him...does he really think noone knows...its like he is living 2 lives...since she is at his work i am sure those people know even if it is hidden there which i doubt u know how they all know......gosh...the hardest part is ......the parts about him that i loved the most was his loyality and what he stood for honor and the rest and now there is none of that......does that make sense the fact that he is hiding her makes it worse to me...can anyone help me with perspective??
Ugh, I thought I was the only one who caught my H in our home with ow. That was the worst feeling in the world.
My H also hid the fact that he was having an affair for the longest time. Even when I caught them in the house together he told me I was delusional and seeing things.
He told everyone for the longest time they were just friends. I believe this is because they want to look like the victim and good guy in all of this.
It's amazing how well they can lie while in MLC. They sure are convincing that it makes us question if we are really nuts. My H had so many people believing he was just friends with the ow now everyone feels like a fool for believing him.
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gosh...the hardest part is ......the parts about him that i loved the most was his loyality and what he stood for honor and the rest and now there is none of that..
They become the complete opposite of who they were before MLC hit. It's like they were abducted by aliens and we are not dealing with the same person we married.
Grace, I don't think it matters right now whether he is hiding her from you, the fact is that you know he is with her. Eventually the truth will come out and so will all his lies. People will start to see him for who he is at the moment. Just sit still and watch it all unfold.
mrs h thanks for the response u know when something happens in this mess and u htink u are going along fine and then bam..u get hit.....i am just like how long..everyone says ..in Gods time...ok....well 3 years..what kind of women would be in hiding from his kid for 3 years...barely have any weekend time..well i did hear he told her i was mentally unstable so i am sure the lies are a mile high....i just dont get mlc.........but when do u man up either admit your mistake or move back to whats proper...I dont think he will ever own this....i know though you are right sit back and watch it unfold...the problem is it will only be between him and God in the end ( and I know thats not a problem really--- I do belive in a just God) becuase we arent even in the same community anymore...and basically after this long people just dont care......
.....he is d me.....its in the works....why oh why is it still a secret...i mean it makes me have no respect for him...does he really think noone knows...its like he is living 2 lives
He knows in his heart that this is the ultimate betrayal, he's not proud of it. He doesn't want the world to think he's behaved in such a disgusting disrespectful manner.
This is a loooong journey, and you are going along fine you have just hit some turbulance. At least your dealing with it and not running or hiding. My hat is off to you.
I can relate to what you are saying regarding loyalty and honesty. The most important and attractive thing I found with my ex was this. It was a total turn on. He is the opposite. It is a total turn off.
He lies and lies and lies and lies about everything.....
It is so weird. It is part of the process, accept it and watch God take care of it for you. Your H will get caught up in his lies that he lies to get out of the lies and than lies some more.
They can't even remember their lies.
Don't point out their lies or rebuke them in any way.... Just watch
People catch on, it does take a while, but they catch on. The people who thought you were a bitch and a angry wife will change their mind.
God has a way with justice.
They start bottoming out
and slowly become more normal
Patience is the key
Letting go is important
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
thanks for the responses. The support helps so much. Its just after this long it all seems so weird...like I am watching someone elses life....like my life is not mine....i think i am feeling so trapped...one thing i know will help me is financially i made really bad decisions in the stance of "standing" and know 20 plus years of savings is gone we are living well beyond our means and now that the attorneys are involved that will be good that I know what my financial status will be moving forward..what am i responsible to pay, verses him, how much support i will get all of that up until now it has just been him calling all the shots and me going along with it...hoping beyond hope he would wake up...i can no longer afford to do this as he is going to take me down too and i must think of me and the boys....he is different than many mlcers in that he has buddied up with our son, one trigger was our older son became disabled and he thinks he has to be younger sons buddy to save him from what brought on other sons problems....anyway he just has no concept of financially what it takes and thinks we should just seperate split everything, no support and go our seperate ways..he makes approx 80 grand more than me......I hope he is going to get a wake up call...and it is also a turn off that he wants to pay me nothing...i worked 2 jobs for much of our marriage and worked very hard, for probably 15 plus years we made close to the same amount now his career took off..I was never focused on climbing hte ladder becuase we alwasy said when the time came i could stay home blah blah..oh well..its true some days are better than others and i have been reading here about detaching and moving on.....its hard cause he controls so much...but i am trying
ok one more thing this is probably lame...I dont know how to explain it.....I was at one of my sons game last week sitting with another Mom and said something about sons Dad and she said oh is he here, I said yes and she said oh I dont knwo who he is..I told her where he is sitting and she says ...Oh he is a good looking man....UGHHHHHHH do you know if I hear that one more time....I would like to scream.....I wish i picked a toad...It is no fair how attracitive people get judged...i mean come on..he is being a jerk...a liar a cheater and not teaching our kids what is proper about how to treat your wife and their mom and the first thing people notice is oh wow he is good looking......well he may be but he is not a good person....right now...sometimes i wonder if it was all a lie...i feel used
I have another question. I admit I dont knw exactly what is proper here becuase in our generation we are hardly ever referred to as Mrs. XXXXX, but yesterday in a letter from my H attorney she referred to me as Ms. xxxxx I have never been refferred to as Ms. and I know that may seem petty but today I am still Mrs. Our society has no respect for the marragie and its meaning......but my question is this after the divorce am I really Ms not Mrs? Please advice i know a dumb question but I still have it thanks
thanks for your response and i do understand what your are saying.....I know it sounds petty ...I think its the source since it came form H attorney and belive me we have way huger issues that what she calls me..namely financial..so whos cares about my title,,,but i was really wondering what is proper..I am asking are you only MRS if you are married? I know you are no a MRS prior to marriage but is it stil proper to be Mrs after the divorce??? Now if I did not have kids I would consider your stance of taking back my madien name...althought I still may get stuck based on my beliefs about divorce....so humm interesting
