In Sep 07 I told my W that I was going to leave and separate. I needed to find out what made me happy and why I was unhappy. We've been cordial, nice and friendly most of the time. We have two D9/12 and have kept them in mind this whole time. We live separately now. We've both said some hurtful things over the last few months and I'd take them back if I could.
I want to come back and now W says she doesn't trust me, doesn't know if she wants to be Married but want to "see" if it will work out. I know I've hurt her. I've apologized. I've explained. I want to come back and work though it all but this constant lack of trust, lack of committment makes me wonder if we ever will. Any thoughts?
Have you been diagnosed for depression? most of the WAS here leave because they feel this emptiness inside and dont' feel happy...overall. I highly recommend you seek a therapist, depression is the reason people do things that otherwise they wouldnt' do (affairs, leaving, etc)
First of all, get a marriage councelor, I am almost sure she will agree to that. There have got to be other troubles in your other than the fact that you might be depressed, you just dont' leave from one day to another, there are prob issues between you two that were never addressed and thus you guys grew appart throughout the years. It takes a lot of time to rebuild trust, she has been hurt so she is afraid, not afraid of commitment, give her some credit, it is a big blow to have your spouse tell you they are leaving, it is scary to trust again.
I see a lot of hope in your sitch, please, remember that we all heal at our own pace, the fact that you are beyond the fact that you left doesn't mean that she is, women remember longer. Piecing back a M takes a lot of work, and patience, it is a road in which you take 1 step forward and 2 backwards. But it will be pay off, and your your M can become even better and stronger than before.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
We have agreed to use a counselor so we will see. I just don't think living apart helps in trying to rebuild. I would like to see us move back in together and work on making it better rather than apart and trying to see if we are to remain married.
I've seen someone who has said that I'm not "depressed" so while I am/was confused about my own happiness it came to me that I'm happy when I make myself happy and my W isn't the sole source of that.
Is it possible to push too much? I really think living together will help us rebuild...admittedly I made a mistake by moving out but I just don't understand (rationally) why W won't let me move back in. When I ask if there is some requirement to moving back in..at first it was "you have to see a counselor"; then it was I need to be convinced...it seems like it will go on forever and we won't really get to rebuild when we live apart....
ndark, have you read the book "Getting Back Together: How To Reconcile With Your Partner - And Make It Last"? It may be helpful for you to determine what to do.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
ndark, I am very curious as to why spouses leave "just because they're unhappy....." It just seems so vague and frivolous. And so very destructive. Do they not take the time to look at the big picture?
I am not judging you in any way, but I am seriously wondering what it would take for me to trust a man who walked out on me, and I am at a loss. How would you feel if your W did what you did? It's the lack of empathy that has me so completely stumped in these situations.
It would never, ever occur to me to just up and leave someone who loves and trusts me.
...admittedly I made a mistake by moving out but I just don't understand (rationally) why W won't let me move back in.
I don't want to sound overly critcal, but read that a few times, and tell me you really believe it! You moved out on her, on your terms, and now you want to move back in, on your terms. Why would she want that? Put yourself in her shoes. How does she know you won't change your mind next week, or next month?
As far as rebuilding living apart, well, you built it the first time living apart, right? How did you do it then?
