Been back together about two months now I think. The wife was a walkaway, and we had a few twists in our relationship also. For the full story see "Walkaway Wife" section. Anyway, things are going good. She is very happy with the changes that I have made. However, I still feel insecure in our relationship. She doesn't feel insecure at all she says and is very happy with me. I think I'm being too serious sometimes, meaning that I take every little "NO" as a sign of rejection. This is the only thing that is bothering me in our new relationship at the moment. Any help would be appreaciated.
I hear you. It's a tough one. I sometimes feel that way as well and I know how much it can hold you back.
The way I figure it is that I have completely divorced my old relationship and now am trying to reconstruct a new one. So the insecurities are exactly the same as if you had no past, like you feel at the start of a new relationship. This mostly works for me.
Another way to think about the insecurity is to think back on all you went through to get your W back. That has got to mean something in her mind even if she does not express it right now.
We were separated by different residences for about six weeks. Outright seperated emotionally for three months in the same house. Although our problems had been going on for about four months prior to that.
Dear Byte, What in the world can you expect, of course you are going to feel as if you are on shaky grounds for a while. You've been through a traumatic experience and it's hard to feel on top of the world and self-assured right now. Whatever you're feeling is completely normal. However, I do have a suggestion. Do the "Act as if" technique. Ask yourself, "If I felt more confident about her love and our future together, how would I be acting, feeling, thinking differently?" After you arrive at your answer...start acting as if. You'll grow into it. I promise. Michele
Yeah, I have been using that technique. It keeps my PMA. These feelings run deep sometimes. I can explain like this; these feelings usually reside way out at sea, then suddenly come crashing onto the beach, then slowly go out with the tide. I talked to the wife this morning about these feelings and she gave me reassurance that her love is real and lasting. However....that wave still might come back..but I can handle it now I think.
Havent heard from you in a while and I happened to come across your thread. Sounds like things are definitely looking good for you and the W. I hope I can be sitting where you are at some point. I'm going to revisit some of your old posts to see where the turning point was for you. Any words of wisdom for me? My W hasnt made any indication that she wants to seperate, but I know she's not happy since the feelings havent returned for her. And I know that I'm not happy, but at least we're talking, considerate and trying. I think its time to revisit counseling.
Its funny, just this morning we were talking. I told her that I was glad that I finally found out that I really loved her. She said in reply that she is happy that she gave me a second chance. In my opinion what got us going again was my 180 and PMA. I basically changed myself to be the husband that she always wanted. I knew what she wanted but was not willing to do that. Her love and happiness is coming back slowly. The other day we were sitting on the couch and she was actually not frowning for once. I even commented on it. I'm discussing my feelings with her now, something I never did in the past. I'm totally the opposite of my past self. She likes the new me.
For example, yesterday I stayed home with the four year old. He was running a fever, and I didn't want him to go to daycare sick and get stressed. So we went to see his mom at work. She works at a convenice/gas retail store as a cashier/inventory manager. In the past I noticed that she would casually touch her manager. Like she would lean on his shoulder if he was sitting down and she had to reach something over him. Other causual touching has also occurred. But yesterday she called him "baby or babe". I wasn't jealous of this touching stuff or too concerned about it until what came out of her mouth yesterday. So last night I told her that I was uncomfortable with what happened. She said that what she said slipped out and she dont know why she said it. I said I understand that you and him are friends and have to work together but it seems that you are getting to chummy and that bothers me. She made a comment like his girlfriend doesn't have a problem with me. I replied but she didn't see or hear what I did, and if she did, I imagine she would have alot more to say than I'm saying now. She didn't say nothing to that statement. Then she said if the tables were turned and if it was you acting the way I was, I would be very upset. She agreed that her behaviour was inappropiate and would change it. I felt better after our conversation. She said "Your right, its not right". I told her well, its not about who's right or wrong, its about our feelings, so there is no right or wrong, just how we feel. The old me would have never had this conversation, I would have just gotten mad and let it fester.
Michele is absolutely, right on. You are going to feel less than sure of yourself for awhile. It took about three months for my wife and I to really feel "security" in the "new" relationship. When I thought about it more I had to ask myself, "How long would it take for you to feel really secure in any new relationship"?
What we really are addressing (at least I know I was) here is "fear". I was afraid of losing my wife, again, over some silly little mistake that I thought I may make. I was almost afraid of being human. In Michele’s book, "How To Change Your Life and Everyone In It" she has a section labeled, "Just Do It". If you think about how much courage it took to get to the point that we are now, how much more courage could it possibly take to just love our wives, in a courageous manner? Well, I decided to "Just Do It". I threw my heart out there on my sleeve and loved her……….that’s it. Like Michele stated, I "Acted as If" I wasn’t afraid, at first (it was an act because, like you said, emotional issues came and went like a tide).
I found out something very valuable in putting aside my fears, albeit by just acting at first. My wife WANTS me to love her fearlessly and courageously. This is the kind of love that hits home and stays there. Believe me, I’ve made some pretty obvious and silly mistakes in my relationship since we’ve gotten back together, but those mistakes were just that……………..silly and trite and, in comparison to my love, inconsequential. I’m not suggesting that you throw all your fears to the winds and run with abandon in your relationship, but try "Acting as If", like Michele said, and definitely, don’t let your fears show in your eyes and mannerisms in front of your wife. I know my wife had to see the same self-confident, courageous man back in the relationship as she had witnessed during our separation. I believe, from my own experience, that it was, actually, more important and necessary to remain self-confident once we were back together than it was during our separation.
Michele is right, you will grow into your "new" relationship. Use the great technique of "Acting As If", because it really does work. And if you concentrate on a fearless and courageous way of loving your wife, she’ll love you back like you’ve only been able to imagine before.
Talked to the wife about my feelings. By the way, part of my 180 is expressing my feelings to her. I never did before, she always said that I kept my heart on high a shelf. Well now, I tell her all of my feelings good and bad. She loves that I confide in her now. Actually me too. I told her how I have been taking the little "NO's" as signs of rejection. She was very kind and listened to what I told her, then asked how she could help. I told her that she is doing great, that its just me overcoming our recent hell. I felt really relieved when I confided in her. This is new to me. I have never shown anyone how I truly feel in my heart. During our conversation she chimed in on one part stating "I don't want to go through the hell that we just went through, and will not do anything to get us back there". Man, I felt so good when she said that. I also told her how I was really up one day and I got set back quite abit in the security area of our relationship. This is the story. She was offered a co-manager's position where she works. At first we both were happy over it. Then I seen how the current co-manager was always working, people dont show up, little emergencies. All this meant more time away from her family. She would have to work 48 hours a week at least. So she would not have much time to spend with us. I mentinoned how many hours the current co-manager puts in. She agreed that was alot time he puts in. So then she starts telling me how she want's to be a stay-at-home mom again (houswife). That she wants to start taking care of us again like she used to. I was really happy to hear all of this. I know she likes working, but she said that her focus should be on her family. I was really eating this up. So, she said that she was going to decline the co-manager position and then asked me when we can afford for her to quit. I said after Christmas would be best, the end of January it was. However, the next day, her employer was putting pressure on her to accept the job. So she came home and was asking my opinion on her taking the job again. Well that really got me down. Here she was saying all these wonderful things then she burst my bubble so to speak. I didn't let it show too much that I was disappointed in what she was saying. But she eventually decided to turn down the job. I told her her last night how I felt about what happened finally. She said that she was sorry, but she really wanted to make the right decision for us and that I should not worry and she loves me very much. I have been sad for so long....It feels weird to feel happy, that sometimes I catch myself looking for things to be un-happy with....crazy huh?
Byte
[This message has been edited by ByteEnable (edited 12-17-1999).]
Christmas was good this year. The kids really got everything they wanted and were very surprised. My wife even expressed that this was a very happy Christmas for her. Last night she called me over and said "I have I told you how much I love you and how much I appreciate you lately?". I said "No, but I think you just did". My brother and his wife spent some quality time with the kids on Christmas Eve (we went to my mom's). This totally thrilled my wife. They are usually hands off with the kids. When we left he came over and gave her hug. This was a total shocker for her. My brother and her usually don't get along too well. Coming home that night our car broke down about an hour away from home. I messed with it and determined that the starter went out. I called my brother and he was going to come and take us home (he was 2 1/2 hours away). A few minutes later a tow truck driver came up and gave his cell phone to me, it was my brother. He told me they were going to give us a '99 loaner car for free, while they fixed mine. So I went got the car and came back. We exchanged cars. We were on our way. Later that night she told me how he made her Christmas. My brother did a 180 too! It just don't seem real right now. Everything is going so great. All I need to do now is win the lottery and I will be peachy. A few days ago I did backslide, but I quickly recovered. She was understanding! I just can't believe how well everything is going! Knock on wood!
