For Those w/ LD Wives

[RedHeadWife]

Some of you know my sitch. I was LD, no desire for S, H dropped D bomb, I "figured things out" & got our M back on track, etc.

Anyway, I have figured out what part of my LD problem was and where it was coming from and just decided to share b/c it could be what is going on in other sitch's around here.

I think a big part of my problem was that S had become kind of "boring" and I was never having an O -- it had become more about H having an O and getting it over with. Therefore, I got to the point where I had no desire to put any effort into even trying to have S b/c it was just one more thing I felt I had to do and since it wasn't even satisfying for me, I just decided subconsciously I could & would just do w/o.

Don't beat me up saying that I could have changed that, etc., etc., b/c that didn't happen, but I have since worked all that out.

However, all I'm saying is that maybe a lot of the LD wives just have gotten to the point where S wasn't as satisfying for them, it "took too much work" and they were just too tired, etc. to put in the effort.

Unfortunately, I have no quick fix for this. I guess my only suggestion would be, if you can even get your W to have S, to make it all about her for awhile so that she starts enjoying it more and it could become something that she is willing to start putting more effort into.

I don't know. I could be way off here. It was just what I finally figured out was part of my problem and thought it may give some insight into the whole LD issue.

[cac4]

Well, I'm glad you figured that out. but um...it does seem like a fairly obvious place to start.

I think the much more common conundrum is the HD who says something along the lines of "...on the rare occasions when we DO actually do it, she has an O, every single time, its always all about "her", etc, etc, and yet, will go {days, weeks, months, years} without wanting it again...if its so good, how can anyone NOT want to do it all the time????"
much harder to solve.

[OG_Lou]

CAC will go {days, weeks, months, years} without wanting it again...if it’s so good, how can anyone NOT want to do it all the time????"
I can tell you what I heard from BB when we were having sort of regular sex. She said it took a long time for her to "get there" and the pleasure she did have seemed small in comparison to the work/effort, on her part, to get there.

I think that is why some W’s don’t think sex is that big of a deal. It is like Thanksgiving dinner, takes a lot of preparation, something you want to do, but not that often.

Lou

[RedHeadWife]

I agree w/ Lou's scenerio also. I noticed that it does take awhile to "get back into the swing of things" after a long period of abstinence. Why then allow there to be the abstinence is a good question. I noticed when I went to visit H in Korea, that it took a few days. When he came home, it didn't happen that way, but I started PMS'ing or something and something switched and things just weren't happening for me. In the past, that may have led me to just kind of give up again and just not want to put the effort in, however, I've learned my lesson the hard way and I am now willing to keep going and know that one of these days things will get better again and they did.

I just think a lot of the guys on here w/ wives who seem to have absolutely no interest in sex could have some of the same reasons as I did and always want to offer up anything I can think of to help.

[GonnaGoBlind]

RHW,

Thanks. Your observation is very much appreciated. Fortunately(?) I've more or less moved past trying to figure out why as well as trying to coerce MrsGGB into more. I'm spending my time now trying to figure out myself and what my boundaries are and figuring out who the real MrsGGB is (and she isn't making that all that easy either )

[cemar2]

RHW:

Something I have never understood is why LD women look at sex in such a different way as compared to HD women or HD men. LD women seem to focus on how the sex will be for them and if they are in the mood. I tend to see sex in terms of GIVING great pleasure to another human being, not in terms of weather I have an orgasam. In fact, many times I only want to do her, it is not for me. So why don't LD women want to GIVE incredible pleasure to another human being?

Some of the LD women on here actually GIVE BJ's because they actually ENJOY giving the man this pleasure, but most LD women DON't think that way. WHY? It just seems so incredibly selfish (a term that IS used in conjuction with LD). Since LD women are NOT giving pleasure to their spouses, what do LD women actually think that they ARE giving to their spouses? My guess is that LD women actually BELIEVE that something in all the many things they do is actually GIVING something to their spouse, but what is it?

[RedHeadWife]

Cemar, I honestly don't think it's all about how it's going to "be" for the LD person -- bottom line is that they just honestly could care less either way. It also could be some deep-lying issue about S. I think for me, my problems stemmed from the fact that my parents always made S out to be "dirty" or something that was "embarrassing" as I grew up and that clearly affected my SL in a big way.

Also, I think most LD people probably haven't "gotten" the whole "rejection" issue -- they just figure "I don't want to have S, big deal." They don't realize what they are doing emotionally to their partner. Yes, their partner may have tried to tell them, but they haven't "gotten" it yet.

I have made huge strides in this area and I am now at the point where I do have S just to please my H. There was a few days/2 wks or so when he was home that things just weren't "working" for me, yet I didn't just go back into my cave. I was still hopeful that things would even out and they did. I don't know why I was "back" to where I was -- whether it was just stress, subconsciously thinking about him having to go back or what, but I just couldn't get into it mentally and therefore things just weren't going right physically either, but I still pleased H, not out of obligation, but I have a firm commitment to my M again and that includes making sure that our SL doesn't ever go to the wayside again either.

[cemar2]

RHW:

I understand that your trying to give him more sex. What I am curious about though is why LD women don't think like HD women. Some HD women on here make it clear that they WANT to give pleasure to their husbands, that being a great lover to their husband actually makes them feel better about themselves. HD women LIKE the effect they have on their men, they LIKE giving incredible pleasure, they WANT to be great lovers. This is a completely different way of thinking from what LD women are. It is this difference in thinking that is the WHOLE problem.

Since sex is not what LD women want to give their men, then what is it that LD women DO want to give their men.

[karen1]

Cemar,

For fcuk's sake. What things does an LD person want to give their partner? The same as an HD person - companionship, friendship, partnership, co-parenting, someone to get old with, recreation. There are about a million reasons that people are together besides sex and desire and they are important too. Additionally, your entire premise that HD people are so giving while LD people are so witholding is crap! I don't just want to do my H because I want him to feel great pleasure. Sure, I want him to feel pleasure it is part of the give and take of great sex. However, I also really want him to screw me 16 ways to Sunday because it is pleasureable for me. Get honest about your intentions.

Karen

[chromosphere]

That'll teach you to mess with a horny woman Cemar.

Seriously though Cemar ... surely you understand that the best thing is for the spouse to want it for him/herself. If you want something, then if someone gives it to you, you feel loved and are more likely to reciprocate (in more ways than just sex, as Karen so eloquently put). Giving someone else sexual pleasure is easy if you want it from them yourself. That's the nature of the beast. The problem is that wanting it for him/herself often means navigating through boatloads of FOO shiat (including the current R), something many "LD" people don't want to do. And you can't make them do it, or it isn't real.

This is nothing new Cemar, many other have said this many times.

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