Just got back in town - went cross-country skiing for the long weekend. No skijouring though!
Major confusion going on. After WAW refused to work on M, I'd said that meant it was goodbye. Then I left for the weekend. She called me 3 times and sent several emails. Said she felt terrible after our phone conversation, that she'd only been focusing on how our old relationship was, and that she was ready to start trying to build a new one. Wanted to be at the house when I got back.
I told her I was confused, didn't know how to reconcile everything that had happened. She said she'd understand if I didn't want her there. I suggested we talk.
So we had a pleasant dinner and then started talking. She was already getting cold feet and it got worse as things went on. I tried to be understanding, said I was willing to make the M work, but I wanted to pursue my own life as well. She started crying and asking what was wrong with her, why couldn't she figure things out. I asked about OM and she said she thought he did good work, but wasn't attracted to him emotionally. Also said that she trusted and respected me.
Pretty emotional evening again. Lots of back and forth, with her crying and me holding her. I told her to leave if she was so unsure about our R and she got up to start packing stuff. I went in and told her not to do this. We held each other for awhile and she stayed. At first she said she wanted to ML, but when I kissed her, it was obvious she wasn't ready.
This morning was awkward, but I tried to keep things upbeat. I said I assumed she was going to return to her aunt's that evening, but she said we should give it a couple of days.
So, feel like this is moving too fast, although we've been talking a lot and she says she can't see working on our problems without actually living together. So I'm trying to figure out what this new balance is.
Just journaling. W is still staying at the house. Has been somewhat emotionally and physically distant, but not totally. Yesterday she acted relaxed and pleasant. She even mentioned that she needed to return to aunt's house to get more clothes.
I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Are we piecing? Is this the corner I've been waiting to turn? Somehow I thought it would be more of a coming together, or that I'd know for sure where we stand.
But that doesn't seem to be the case. I guess I'll continue with the changes I've been making in myself and just be glad she's back home.
Unless she suddenly bolts, my next post will be over in Piecing.
I need to not grow a pair, I just need to put mine back on, I think I see that now.
I am going to tell her that I am not and will not move out. I know in my gut and heart that it is the wrong mesage to send to my two sons that need me know more than ever! LET THE CHIPS FALL WERE THEY MAY.
THANKS puppy, don't give up on me! I need a swift sock to the jaw now and again, please keep up the advice!
