Hi I know Lou will know who I am but not sure anyone else will remember me,,,maybe Lil.
This is kind of an out there question in a way,,,its just that I really want general off the cuff answers as to whether I am being a bit,,,,prudish or old fashioned about this question....and really I'm not sure if this is unusual or is perfectly acceptable to most people.
I initially came to this site because of my H's ED problem and Lou said that Lil was very knowledgable and she helped me understand a great deal.
I also think my H was definately having a mid life crisis/depression. ...partly because of the ED and partly just unhappy with the relationship we had and a whole lot of external circumstances.
So I had gotten some herbal meds,,we were reconnecting really well,,pasionate kissing again for the first time in years....and eventually were able to ML again,,now without ANY meds.
However while we do have sex way more often,,,,although it does tend to be ME showing more of the desire,,,,it is way better than it had been for years and my H does respond and clearly enjoys it. The affection is there more from my H towards me,,,just little things like a hand touch when passing or a light kiss.
Thing is ,,,,he is still watching online porn a LOT. I say porn its more like he checks out girls online and video clips on sites ike agent vice and others. Now I know in some ways this should be no big deal and part of me thinks it was part and parcel of the ED problem BUT I am just NOT sure....especially since he no longer has trouble ML.
You see its all done in secret,,,,an example is say I go upstairs to wash and dry my hair and vaccuum he IMMEDIATELY goes on to these sites and looks at the girls online on various sites. He then looks at them while I am making dinner or watching TV EVERY DAY.,,several times a day.
Suppose I am out at the shops he then watches the video clips,,,,and some of them are pretty heavy IMO but I guess maybe I'm a bit off on this which is why I'm posting. An example is,,,,a lot of the clips are of anal sex,,,which in itself is fine to watch BUT the girl was crying and clearly distressed,,,,quite a few were not again in my eyes FUN porn,,,more about pain. One clip which I didn't see was of a rape and some girl being hurt...and then cut. That one was unusual I have to say there are more of just general sex than these but a lot of the clips he watches are,,,,unusual.
My middle son is heavily into porn and we talked about some of this and he did say he had accessed my H's files when he had his laptop and there was some pretty heavy stuff on there,,,and this son is no prude believe me.,,,but when I did say about my H watching the porn so much he did say mum every guy does this so....am I being nuts here????
Oh one other thing ,,,,even after having ML in the morning ,,,,literally half an hour or an hour later he was checkng out the sites and he isn't MB'ing while doing this.
He doesn'tknow I understand how to check the history on the computer,,,and I do feel it is kind of an invasion of his privacy BUT the reason I did this was because he lied and said it was my son accessing all these sites,,,,and it just isn't true.
An example is,,,,a lot of the clips are of anal sex,,,which in itself is fine to watch BUT the girl was crying and clearly distressed,,,,quite a few were not again in my eyes FUN porn,,,more about pain. One clip which I didn't see was of a rape and some girl being hurt...and then cut.
Just my opinion and likes/dislikes.
Anal???? If the woman insists and then not that often would be my MO. I did watch a TV sexuality program on TV where one woman said that is the only way she has an “O”. In that case maybe anal is the best way.
I haven’t tried it. I don't see why guys like to watch that style of sexual activity that often. Again, just me.
girl was crying and clearly distressed,,,, No, I can pass on that too. If it isn't fun, why do it.
One question, was the woman in the porn video acting? I can imagine some porn director thinking about what sells and then setting up a situation so they sell more videos. I doubt some people could tell what was an act and what was real.
If the pain thing was real, again that wouldn't be something I would enjoy.
Now slightly rough sex where both people liked it, might watch that if it was non-professional, as in "we like to do this at home."
Shmagic, don't feel bad about snooping if he said he quit watching this sort of thing. It might not pay you to confront him with out some skilled help, so maybe gather the information till you know what to do.
The secretiveness is the most worrying aspect of this IMO. And it does seem like something of an obsession. Maybe he finds it takes his mind off other worries or something, like he is using it to zone out. I mean most men are distracted by sexual images so he probably finds it helps him not to obsess about other problems that might be going on. Totally different in a way but my H has to have talk radio on the whole time -it doesn't matter what the show is it can be the most boring thing you ever listened to - but he just uses it to tune out his own thoughts.
JMHO
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
One clip which I didn't see was of a rape and some girl being hurt...and then cut. That one was unusual I have to say there are more of just general sex than these but a lot of the clips he watches are,,,,unusual.
Just because a clip shows up on his history doesn't mean he watched it all the way through and enjoyed it, or even that he knew quite what it was or how hardcore it was before he downloaded it. Most clips have to be downloaded before you can see them. And maybe he was just curious as in "people really do THAT?"
Or maybe he's got some fantasies that aren't going to be played out in real life, with good reason, that he doesn't feel like talking about.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I can see where you would be distressed by this. I don't really know what to tell you, except that sometimes guys with ED use porn to make sure the equipment works right, kwim?
Have you thought about asking him what's up with this? Say you looked at the history because you were looking for a site you had been to. That probably is how you discovered this, right?
