A+ honey. I called you out because it sometimes helps to have to repeat it all back, kwis?
Ann:
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I don't know what my problem is. All I know is that a couple years ago, i was practically begging for sex and now I would rather avoid it all together. I'm not attracted to H and I guess I'm disconnecting the emotional aspect of ML from sex. I can go through the act of intercourse. I can handle that without anything else, but when it comes to the stuff that more emotionally connects me to H (kissing and foreplay stuff etc.) I just feel wierd about it. I do a mental cringe when he starts trying to kiss and grab at me. I don't know what my problem is.
How 'safe' do you feel with your H?
When he tries to kiss and grab you, do you stop him, slow him down... take control of the sitch and lead him through what you want?
Do you ever feel erotic? Do you ever feel relaxed and at ease with sex, or do you always feel you have a mission to accomplish?
Corri recommended a web-site and my husband went to it. It was a web-site that approached sex in a different way. He tried it out on me...no expectations, open mind...OMG! I was floored!!
What was this magic website, again? did I miss something?
Thank you all for the advice. I don't have much time now as i just spent forever venting about stuff on my thread in newcomers, but just wanted to say i appreciate it and I'll answer the questions later. thanks!!
Miss IC - Thank you for sharing your sitch. I do think i need to figure out what i want. I'm not even half sure.
corri - what is that website, if you don't mind sharing again.
cemar - thank you for the book recommendation. Actually, I think that is the furthest from our problems. I've actually asked him if he thinks i focus too much on the kids and not enough on him and he said that he didn't feel that way. I suppose he could be lying, but who knows.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
Miss IC - thank you so much. I felt very much the same way. That even though we weren't having sex as often as i'd like, we were both satisfied with it. That things were good. He bought a home, had a beautiful baby girl and things were good. Our problems started out during our second pregnancy. My SD didn't go anywhere, but H was suddenly insecure about our R (still not sure why). Accusing me of cheating and lying. He was always angry and upset and spent a lot of nights sleeping in his office. That lasted about a year before I was finally able to make it clear to him how i was feeling. He asked for a D. now i just feel like we are in this place where we've both changed and I want to talk to much about it and he doesn't want to talk about it at all. I'm very grateful that he decided he didn't want the D, but I really wish we'd never gotten there at all. I think you are right. I really need to figure out what I'm looking for and get it.
H and I went out for my Birthday a couple years ago and i don't remember much after we went bowling (alcohol amnesia ) He said that was one of the best nights because he said maybe that's what i really want and am just afraid to ask for. He said he couldn't even describe it, but it was a lot of fun. He seriously tried getting me drunk a couple times after that (i'm not a drinker). Maybe he was right and I just don't know what I want... thank you sooo much!
Corri -
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How 'safe' do you feel with your H?
I feel safe with him. Are you talking about like i can share whatever with him? I feel like i can tell him things. I was raised in a home where sex isn't even in the dictionary. No tv, no movies past pg13, no dating til i was 16, no makeup... etc. I seriously thought my parents never had sex. They may or may not have, i have no idea. So talking about sex in general for me was something i had to get used to. Now I'm used to it. We were both each others firsts at 19 after 3 years of dating. It took us a while, but I think we figured it out ok.
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When he tries to kiss and grab you, do you stop him, slow him down... take control of the sitch and lead him through what you want?
I used to go back and forth with the control thing. Sometimes i would just let him do whatever and other times I would show/tell him exactly what i wanted. now i guess it depends on a bunch of stuff. Mostly when he's trying to kiss me or something, it feels like he's saying "MINE" and claiming his territory. I hate feeling like property, so I'll tell him later or something. sometimes, when he's nicer about it, i go along with him. I just feel like i don't really want to be with him like that, but at least if he's going to be affectionate, i'll do my very best to make him happy.
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Do you ever feel erotic?
not so much anymore.
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Do you ever feel relaxed and at ease with sex, or do you always feel you have a mission to accomplish?
i feel relaxed sometimes, but most times i feel like i just want to get it over with. It was never like that before.
I guess i just feel like i'm not attracted to H. I don't know what to about that. He's not my "type", never has been. We were friends and as i fell in love with him i started seeing him differently. It's not that he's not a good looking guy, just not what I'm typically physically attracted to. The more and more distant he/we got, the less attracted i was. I have a hard time really enjoying sex without that attraction. Sex isn't something I've ever just gone out and done, it's always been about love, when it's not, it's really hard. It feels ok, i just don't enjoy the whole experience.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
Corri, correct me if I'm wrong but it's not really about the web-site...I think it's more along the lines of figuring out what YOU like and going with that. Let me use LustforLife as an example (Hope she doesn't mind}. LFL KNOWS what kind of sex she wants, what she is after....it's TOTALLY different than what is on the web-site. The web-site is not some magical sex technique that is going to suddenly make your sex life wonderful. For me it worked, it's what I want....for others...eh, it might not do anything for them.
I will add... sign up for the newsletter. I'm not so sure it isn't a bunch of earthy people walking around, talking about 'feel the love' with no O... but... there are some great articles that come along.
I suppose, what I found for myself... was that sex was not "Orgasm is the mission of this project.' Huh? It isn't? Then what is sex about? I thought is was all about hot bodies, and biting and chewing and licking and sweat and getting to that O...
Nope. Not that biting and chewing and licking and sweating isn't, or can't BE a part of it... sex is a method of personal expression. In physical form. What do I see in my partner... that **I** might like to touch, smell, taste, feel... for my OWN pleasure... when my bf used to watch me take my pleasure from him... it dam near sent him over the edge... and I learned... in my own way... that when I watched him take his pleasure from me... and I LET him... wow.
However you get to THAT... IT... whatever 'IT' is... if you can get your mind wrapped around that... and let IT happen... oy... hand me a fan....
Tiredness falls away. Stresses of the day fall away. Kids. Dogs. Cats... bills... it's just me and him. Right here, right now. That doesn't mean everything works like clockwork... it just means... I'M HERE... HE'S HERE... we laugh, we giggle, we feel stupid... ooops... did that hurt... sorry... move on... I'm like a little kid in a sandbox saying... 'hey... how 'bout we build... this?' And my very willing friend says... 'okay...' so I start to build... him: 'hey... put a draw bridge there... here? okay... me: 'so... while I working on this draw bridge, can I look at the mason master while I work?' Him... 'sure...' Me: 'Can I tell him a story while I work?' Him:... 'hey sure whatever floats your boats... just... yep... draw bridge...'
And then I work at my own pace... and he's willing to let me work at my own pace, because he sees that I am enjoying my work, at my own pace... and his enjoyment comes not only from work done well... or work in progress... but that I am taking initiative and adding to the 'brain storming' of building the castle... and if the castle doesn't get built in this day... it really isn't of paramount concern... we hare having fun... pretending and building... and stopping and starting over again... and giggling and laughing...
And all of the sudden, the mission of building The Castle... isn't THE Mission... it is in the building... the castle coming to fruition... is lovely... but the building of it... talking about it, feeling your way through it... standing back, admiring the work... fixing that... trying this... nope... that color doesn't work for me... let's try this... oh yeah...
Then it all becomes about... putting together something on the fly... something that works for both people... because we don't have a mission of finishing The Castle. We are just being together, playing in the sandbox.
And each time I come to the sandbox... I think of something ELSE to build.
THAT is what gets me out of my LDness. I sometimes screw it up... sometimes I don't hit one out of the park, like LFL says... but... I show up in the sandbox... and I play.
But.
I have to know that whomever I show up in the sandbox WITH... they understand that today we may not hit one out of the park, and if we don't... it's okay. Some days I'm better at making up stories and blueprints, and whatnot, than others... kwis?
Sometimes, I start down a road and realize... ooops... I can't go down this road yet... uhm... is there a side street?
My man with the map, who will not stop and ask for directions... is usually okay with guessing his way out... if I let him, and he doesn't mind me letting him...
Ann. My mother always says to me: "Corri, the world is only boring to boring people." If your sex life is boring....
k?
Attraction... is... I'm sorry... created. In MY mind. I can smell the pheremones, just like anyone else. But just because I could fck you... doesn't mean I can't... create it, when it is called for. The person with whom you are married, at one time, stopped you short. You can find that again. You just have to look for it. In the crook of their arm... the swell of their bossom... the small of their back... the chisel in the jaw... their eyes... their smell... find it.
thanks!!
) He said that was one of the best nights because he said maybe that's what i really want and am just afraid to ask for. He said he couldn't even describe it, but it was a lot of fun. He seriously tried getting me drunk a couple times after that (i'm not a drinker). Maybe he was right and I just don't know what I want... thank you sooo much!