I have not posted in a long time. I have been lurking, but.....
Interesting developments today. For the first time in a long time.
After working out today, my workout buddy (who has not spoken to my H since this began because she is angry at him) told me that she had a dream last week that she killed him. She said the dream was so real and vivid and disturbed her so much that she called him to make some peace with him. She said that he cried when she called. She also chastised him for what he has done and asked what he does with his time now. He said not much - read, TV and look at the walls in his house. She asked about the OW. He said it ended after Thanksgiving. She didn't ask him for details but called her boyfriend (who is good friends with H) and wanted to know why he didn't tell her. During this call, she asked her boyfriend if H ever told him that he thought about coming home. Her boyfriend said yes. She then asked if H thought that I would take him back and what he would do if I didn't. Her boyfriend said that H thought about that but didn't give any details.
This doesn't mean that I think that H is coming home. In fact - it was mid-December when he sent an email to me asking me where I stood with the settlement proposal. He has given me no signs that he has any interest in talking to me (other than business or kid talk), let alone come home. I still believe that his pride will get in the way of him ever admitting to his mistakes. My friend said that she truly thinks that he needs therapy. Apparently her boyfriend has tried to get him to go. I don't think he will. I asked my friend if she missed my H (they were very good friends) and she said yes. I asked her if she has forgiven him and she said that she is not there yet and is not sure that she will get there in the near future.
I haven't been posting here because I have been really questioning my decision to stand, and since this is a board for standers, wasn't sure that my posting was a good thing.
Even with what was told to me today - I question my decision to stand and wait for my H. I don't think it has to do with anger or forgiveness or whatever. Although I have times of sadness, my life is really good right now. Things are peaceful at home and I am enjoying my life now. I have gotten a life and have a PMA for the most part. I have been approached about a possible full time job, and although I do not prefer to go back to work full time because it will mean big changes for my daughters, I am looking forward to be 100% independent again....I hadn't realized how much I missed that.
A lot of damage has been done. And I don't know if I still love him. As I told my friend today, he really wasn't very nice to me for the last couple of years we were together. He ignored me - when we were with other people and when we were alone. He put himself first in all situations - even those involving his children. What kind of father does that? I don't believe that he is evil, but rather incredibly selfish. And I just want to be with that type of person anymore.... And since this has started he has been emotional with a couple of mutual friends who have told me about it. Yet he is not emotional with me at all. He shows no emotion when he is around me. We just don't have any kind of relationship and haven't for quite some time....
As a side note, I am thinking that my H has cut me off financially. I sent an email asking for some money for the girls and he hasn't responded. It has been a week. So I am dealing with that, but I am not in a panic over it at this point. I am thinking that it is a strategy to get me to sign the settlement proposal. And I am just not going to play that game.....
Hi w8ing- I am glad to hear you are doing well over all. Interesting news about your H. I wouldn't write him off just yet for a couple of reasons. First, is it possible that your H's MLC started some time ago causing his selfishness? Second, they say that a crisis changes people, is it possible that this crisis help him appreciate his family more?
Sounds like your H has a long way to go and has to still be very confused. He is proceeding with the D because of his confusion and guilt. If you can (if you want to), just sit back and see what happens. Maybe you don't love your H much now and a lot of damage has been done...but you never know what the future holds...maybe I am just a hopeless romantic...but more like I just believe that kids do best with intact families...and I know you want what is best for your girls.
I am happy for you that you got a job offer...it will be nice for you to have some autonomy. I think you know that no matter what happens with your M, you need to have your independence...it just isn't a perfect world is it?...to have your independence, your girls lose out on having you home... :sad:
Good luck getting the settlement stuff figured out. Just remember this isn't easy no matter what path you take...and if you D and get into a new R, there are no guarantees there either...look at my sitch...and bringing in a step parent and possibly step siblings into the mix is incredibly difficult...just some stuff to think about.
Keep posting no matter what you decide...we are here for you.
Good to hear from you. Upside makes some really good points for you to consider.
Congrats on the job offer. I know it's a tough choice. Just know you can do what you need to and make the best of it.
I disagree with your statement that this bb is for standers. When folks come here it's with the intent to save their M. We all know this doesn't always happen and I've read some great support for those struggling to move foward and GAL that did not include their spouse.
You sound pretty good and I like the strength in your statement regarding the finances.
We make a pretty good sounding board here, so keep posting. HUGS
Well, I spoke to H today as he was dropping off the girls. I asked him if he could do me a favor.
I asked him if he could please stop discussing out sex life with others (I have had a few people come up to me and tell me what he has been saying - talking about re-writing history and trying to find an excuse to justify an affair!!!). He immediately got defensive and said "like who?"
I remained calm and said that doesn't matter. From this point forward, could we please handle this with dignity and class?
He looked at me and said yes. I thanked him.
Not an apology. Nothing.
I wanted to rip his heart out.
SOB.
Probably not good DBing, but I have let so much go. Missing girls' events, cutting me off financially, spending money..... I have not spoken to him at all about our relationship since September when he initiated a conversation (or more accurately - spew) with me. I have made this too easy for him.
Thanks for letting me vent.
But honestly - I am close to being done. I think about filing every day.
I know I don't like him. And I am pretty sure that I no longer love him.
Can someone explain to me why I am so upset by what I wrote above?
I honestly want to get in my car and drive to his place and let him know what I think and how I feel.
I have not done this at all since the bomb was dropped six months ago. I have not initiated a conversation with him. Nothing.
But I am really mad about this. And again - I think I let him off too easy.
At what point am I being taken advantage of? If I were him, my thinking would be "hey do what I want - she won't say anything and if she does - she is calm".
I don't know why this is so upsetting to me.
I just feel like he really crossed a line....
and all I asked him for was a favor - hey could you just not do it again?
Hi - the frustrating thing about these people is that their moral compass ha been turned off. They are sociopathic, [if not downright psychopathic] at time. Even if we did most reasonably remonstrate, it would be pointless.
No sane person discusses their previous sex life. It is a given. Unless they are INCREDIBLY immature, or utterly without sense. Our not rising to the bait is the best thing we can do. We may feel we are giving them a license. Hey these peole will take it anyway. this way we are dignified. And they do notice.
I do understand your frustration though. There are times I have just wanted to rant and scream. Nope, dignified silence. Speaks volumes.
Thanks, Angelica - I have gone weeks without crying over my situation. I have been so proud of myself and where I am emotionally. I have been interviewing for jobs, getting my house in order and getting a life.
But now I sit here fighting back tears. I feel violated for some stupid reason. I feel betrayed....again. And I feel embarrassed.
But you're right. It would be pointless to talk to him. Dignified silence is the way to go. It is what I said to him - can we please handle this with dignity and class.
But, Angelica - I have never felt so close or wanted to tell him what I am thinking as much as I want to now. Not even when I confirmed the existance of the OW. I really, really want to see him (not call him, but see him) and let him have it.
W8ing ((((((hugs)))))) sounds like you handled it so well a is right..It wouldnt help to rant and scream and we would feel worse you told him what you needed nicely..maybe he will comply perhaps went we rant and inflict guilt they rebel more (mine does) so let it go for now I too as you know from my thread that I have also wanted to tell h all. but by some miracle I put it all off one day the time will be right maybe not today so, go to sleep tomorrow will be better and know you handled it great peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I did see H tonight at D14's game. He appeared to be a little uncomfortable and sheepish toward me. We just had an exchange of hellos, cordial stuff. Didn't sit together (sometimes we do and sometimes we don't).
I'm still angry with him and his lack of class and discretion. But I recognize that talking to him about this more than what I have already done would be pointless.
Tomorrow I go to work. And, of course, I will grab the "happy mask" before I leave the house.
