Thanks for the incredible, new forum! (and for the new and improved website design and functions)
This will be a very happy forum, I’m sure. I hope it will be a place for all of us, who desire to KEEP our relationships loving, growing and solution focused, to help each other stay pointed in the right direction. To be able to learn from each other is wonderful.
It’s also great that those of us who are so very fortunate enough to be back with our partners can share the fact that Divorce Busting definitely works. We must also share the fact that our current relationships with our partners is based, not only on the fact that we practiced Divorce Busting techniques, but also that we still practice Divorce Busting techniques and that we must continue the enforcement of solution-focused thinking in our "New" relationships. I am finding that this implementation doesn’t necessarily take "work", but it definitely takes a continual attitude of attentiveness. It’s strange, but wonderful, that I now find enjoyable something which I used to find annoying.
Once you’ve lost the smile, the tenderness, warmth and friendship of the one you love it leaves you reeling with emptiness. If you are fortunate enough to get back the person that left you, that smile, the warmth and friendship and love becomes such a valuable priority. Personally, I would live in a tent, walk to the store to buy food and live a life of utter simplicity…………..none of that matters as long as I can see the beautiful smile and the wonderful face of my wife when I wake up in the morning. In all likelihood, I’ll not be living in a tent or peddling my bike to the store, but I want my wife to know that she is first and that I’ll love her and treat her like a treasure……..for, after all, that’s exactly what she is.
I agree with you that this will finally be a happy place to post our success stories. i still read many of the posts, but have not posted anything for a while. I was very busy working on the marriage with my H, and somehow I didn't know what to say to people who were hurting so much and so much wanted to be where we are now. My story was an accelerated version of most people's stories...his affair lasted 3 or 4 months. I found out about it in August and he wanted a separation because she was so wonderful and understood him and satisfied every need he had. Sound familiar? Well, he never left, but told me he stayed for the sake of the children. I think that was the story he had to give because it was easier to say that than to say he really loved me. The ensuing weeks were very tough. I could not bring myself to trust and believe in him...but isn't that what a marriage is based on? I found myself thinking about how he betrayed me from sun up to sun down. Then it was a few times a day. Then every couple of days. Now it is every three or four days. I worked on myself. I have decided that I can depend on myself and that I like myself. I'm not sure that I would want to go through this kind of horror again...but if faced with it, I know I will be confident enough to go on with my children without a husband. I have taught my husband what unconditional love is. I have taught him that, yes damn it, love is enough. The being in love part comes and goes throughout the marriage. We just have to learn that when it goes we have to find it within ourselves to make it come back.. It is not the other person's fault usually, it is what is going on inside of ourselves that make us feel that way. I have learned not to bring up the past, especially to hurt my H in any way, shape, or manner. He suffered through this as much as I did. He still has to live with the guilt and knowing how deeply he hurt his family. But we all love him and have forgiven him. Our life is back on track thanks to this website and DBing. I don't know if I could have found the strength to behave the way I did if it weren't for the people here that have been through this kind of thing. My initial reaction was the same as most people's, but when I learned about how to deal with myself and how to deal with my H through this board, Michele's book, and a ton of reading materials suggested by members, I knew that I could make this work. Deep down in my soul, I knew from the moment that he said that he wanted out, that what he really wanted was for me to listen to him. At this point in time, we are stronger than we have been in a long time. Our sex life has been slow to redevelop, but it is getting better and better by the minute. We cherish our time together and spend it talking and listening...planning and reminiscing...laughing and crying. I feel sad when I read about the stories where people have done everything that they can possibly do and feel the only way out is to release their spouse. I realize most people have been in the DBing mode much longer than I have been (and I say it that way because I will live my life in that mode from now on. DBing does not end when the spouse decides to stay. It is now a way of life for me.). I know the energy it takes and I give you all a lot of credit for how hard you are working at your marriages. All I can hope is that DBing has given you inner strength and the determination to make your life whole, with or without your spouse. I consider my story a success, but it may not have ended up that way without the help of many many people who kept me going, helped me through my slip ups, made me understand that my case was almost textbook, and that I was not alone. It was a Godsend to find this place. God Bless everyone and keep on DBing.
KarenMP I couldn't have said it any better than you did. I feel exactly the same way. My H is ending his affair and we are starting joint counceling Monday with a DB therapist. We have been seeing her separatley for 4 months now while my H worked through his mental illness as I call it. After 30 years there was no way I was going to just let him walk out the door. Thanks to Michele and this board he is saying I Love You again and telling me all his happy plans for our future together.
This forum is going to give me a special place to come to during the next few months. Our case seems so texbook and that helps me feel and I think him now to know that many others have gone through the same thing and come out the other side happier than ever. That is what we want too and I think we will get there.
KarenMP, your story really touched me. If you don't mind, woiuld you share more of what it took to get where you are now?
So many things you said hit home, made me think--especially "I have taught my husband what unconditional love is. I have taught him that, yes damn it, love is enough. The being in love part comes and goes throughout the marriage. We just have to learn that when it goes we have to find it within ourselves to make it come back..." and "I have learned not to bring up the past, especially to hurt my H in any way,shape, or manner. He suffered through this as much as I did..." It's so hard for me to understand that my H suffers as much as I do. Is guilt as painful as being betrayed? I don't know--and I never will, because I will never betray him.
You also mention your sex life being slow to recover--how did you get this far? Was he the disinterested one (as in my case)?
In another folder in this forum, Wesse (I think) said that she gets bitter and hates it--me too. Any tips on how to get over the bitterness?
Thanks to all of you who bare your souls to help other here!
Dear KArenMP, I am delighted that you and your husband are working things out and that you are feeling closer. It makes me feel so good that you and others have found this web site helpful. You're right- you and everyone who says the following- that being solution-focused isn't just a technique to win your spouse back, it has to be a way of life. Even though my husband and I have been together for 27 YEARS!!, I still need to be mindful of what I say and do to make sure I'm focusing on solutions. That never goes away.
Anyway, I am really glad this forum was suggested to me and that I took the suggestion and ran with it because it will be an inspiration to all who visit here. Great! Plus it will help those of you who are piecing things back together to share good ideas.
Patience has been the key to this whole situation for me. There are times when things got very frustrating because I wanted to talk about us and he wasn't ready to do that. I believe that he wanted to cry out to my for things that he felt were missing in our marriage that I didn't think were or didn't think were important. He use to ask me to take up golfing with him. I told him that my ulterior motive for having him golf is so that he could take the boys with him and I could have a few hours to myself once in a while...I always thought I said it in jest, but he took it as I didn't want to be with him. Believe me, the next time he asks...I'm there. I didn't see this as a problem in our marriage, my H did. A lot of these little things ended up being one huge thing...my husband feeling rejected over and over and me not really thinking that I was doing anything wrong. So of course when someone else was hanging on to his every word, he loved the attention and it took him to a place that he never expected to be in either. And I don't think he really wanted to be there either. I have learned so much since all of this happened. I found this website soon after I found out about H's affair and realized what I had to do. He was planning on moving out about 2 weeks after I found out. We were going to get things in order. The kids knew he was planning to leave, but didn't know the specifics. I tried to be as matter of fact about our relationship as possible: we discussed finances, visitations, etc. all the time my head reeling not believing I was handling things this way when all I wanted to do was to cry or scream or throw something his way. But never did I ask him to leave or beg him to stay. I knew if I did either that it wouldn't have been by his choice and I would have been the one to blame if I kicked him out or forced him to stay in a marriage he didn't want to be in. When moving day came and went without him leaving, I was estatic, but didn't say a word. About a week after that date, I sat down to talk a little and that was painful. At that point, he told me the only reason he was there was for the kids. He also said that he thought he had the strength to leave but found out he was weak. The only thing I could say to that is that maybe he should look at it differently. That staying was probably more difficult than leaving because all the garbage, all the hurt, and all the anger is here. For weeks after he broke off his affair, I was constantly suspicious of him. I tore my heart out knowing he was going to work and would see this woman every day. But again, coming to this board I was reminded that that woman means nothing to me. All I can do is believe in myself and love my H the best way that I could. My H was really giving me no reason to believe that he was being anything more than honest with me, so I started to let go of the suspicions and redirecting my energy on myself and my family. The sexual part was difficult. But the intimacy was there. We started back a little too quickly. My H was always thwarting my advances, so I had to really feel him out. It's like I could only make love with him when he wanted to, but he would not let me know that he wanted to. I would have to test the waters. But he was cuddling with me and was very tender with me (this is what I mean by intimacy), so I stopped trying to make advances. Then all of a sudden I would be in the shower and he'd pop in for "a visit"...or I would be in the bedroom putting clothes away and he would want to "take a nap". I still feel kind of uncomfortable approaching him because I don't want to face the rejection. His affair began in April and ended in September. And now in December I am finding that he is approaching me and loving me at a level I don't think we ever attained before. And I think it was all because I backed off and settled for intimate moments rather than sexual ones. A lot of people go away together right away after getting back together...we are taking our first trip away this weekend. I think it will be great because we are a place now where we can talk comfortably and laugh and become intimate with each other. I don't know where this person that I am came from, because I never thought I could handle this situation the way I did. I know I would never have handled it this way if it weren't for this website. I hope I have answered some of your questions. Good luck with everything.
i love reading the successes. my h has been gone 13 wks and told therapist he does not want to work on it. therapist said that he should do whatever it takes to take care of himself...h's message is clear but after 32+ years and a deep love i do not want to give up. we hardly see each other and now probably will not talk much (my thread is life is a mess)...have any of you been in my position. I am DBing and backing off but with no results...and i am dying here. i have been trying to get appt. with michele or associate since no DB therapists for 200 miles. i do not want to be one of these women who files out of desperation...but this is a small town and a town of couples...we have only been here a short time and it is only home with him....ideas requested guys. thanks.
