CL, I like the title to your thread. Conflict Coward, 100% my H. Where is your original stitch or at least more current stitch posts in ref. to conflict cowardly S???? Certainly would like to read more . thanks, grid, lost
-Love of dogs, every time I loose a dog to the bridge,part of my heart goes too. Ever time a puppy/dog comes into my life,he gives me a part of his heart. If live my life long enough, in time I'll have the heart of a puppy. -unknown (w/character limit)
Matilda and GL, It looks like I'm entering turbulence again. I can't keep up with her complaints. I'm getting email rants again.
The bathroom project is not going well. The handyman seems overbooked and is working very slowly on the project. The garage door isn't opening properly, and the handyman has his tools in the garage, so she's not able to park the car in there.
When she gets like this, there is no constructive communication. She wants to complain, and bring up the past. She seems to have a short memory about the positives I do. I bought her a vacuum cleaner over the weekend designed for hardwood floors, as she was complaining about dirt on her feet when she walks.
I'm trying to solve problems as quickly as I can, but my bucket can't bail the water fast enough. I also don't want to stop the positives in my life, and burn myself out solving R problems. I think I should maintain my GAL activities.
She seems to devalue me some days, and is grateful for me on other days--Jekyll and Hyde, hot and cold, black and white. Detachment and emotional boundaries will be important for me here.
I'm reading a book, "The Mindful Way Through Depression." by Jon Kabat Zinn and others. I don't think I'm depressed, but there are good mindfullness exercises that will help me to stay grounded so that I don't add my own layers of suffering to a difficult situation. It will also help me to face whatever is going on with our situation.
This situation is confusing, and frustrating.
I wonder if the winter season is playing some role with her mood?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Re. your question if the winter season is playing some role with her mood... Try buying her one of those special lamps for SAD (Seasonal _____ Disorder (can't remember the A word.
Matilda, My W and I were both up early today, and had a chance to talk. She revealed that she is still recovering from the burn-out of her last position and needs time to heal. She states that she is not ready to return to work at this time. She wants to work on self-care, and continuing with home improvements and organizing. She is also discouraged that she continues to smoke.
A new problem now that she's home is having food available for her to eat, that she approves of. It won't take much to make her happy--probably cooking one meal a week. I think this is a solvable problem. She gets discouraged if she's left to eat peanut butter or a simple staple. I don't mind simple foods, but she has an emotional reaction to this.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, your wife sure confuses me! I understand that she is recovering from burn-out from her last job, but it sounds like she expects you to make up the difference in the missing salary without being willing to cut down on expenses.
Also, I am not clear about the food situation.....does she expect YOU to cook for her, too?
You haven't mentioned your writing lately. Any favorite area that you want to explore more? How has the dancing been this week?
Matilda, She has told me recently that if she were to marry over again, she would marry someone with money, like a doctor.
I think you're right about her expectations. However, I have new rules to follow about managing conflict. She can have desires and expectations, but I decide if I think it's fair or not.
It is not possible for me to support her financially in the manner she desires. She will have to work to some extent. I will not work a PT job.
She has expressed that she would like for me to cook. I don't have a problem cooking a simple dish once a week. We're talking about a pot of chili, a crockpot of meat and vegetables. It would provide her some food during the week, help us be less reliant on restaurants. If left to herself, she would not cook for herself, and either not eat or eat peanut butter and create resentment about her situation.
I continue to write daily. I'm at a point where I want to start turning my sketches into a story.
I continue to dance 2-3X per week. I continue to enjoy the group lessons, and plan on signing-up for the next session.
I truly get the concept of detachment. It's not the best word choice because it implies indifference. It's about learning to loosen your grip. One can have goals and desires, but not be overly attached to them. I can work on Piecing and connecting to the R when I need to, but accept that my W will make her own choices about the M, and that it's not a reflection on me or my failure (even though she would likely blame me for the failure), if she chose to leave the M.
I think of her as a friend, because I think she cares about me. I don't think of her as a W, because W's don't sleep elsewhere. I'll just keep a balance beween self-care and connection, and wait while the situation resolves itself one way or the other.
I chose to marry her, so I have to make the best of it till D or death.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
...accept that my W will make her own choices about the M, and that it's not a reflection on me or my failure (even though she would likely blame me for the failure)
Good point! However, I find it easier to say that, but hard to actually LIVE IT! I am proud of you for believing in yourself! Most of the time I believe in myself, but sometimes I start doubting myself again. Thanks for your wise words!
CL, Detachment is also doing things for you. It's focusing on making yourself healthy and not focusing on how to fix your W. And that is exactly what you're doing.
You're right... she can say or think what she wants. It's up to you to decide what you are willing to tolerate. If she speaks to you in a way that you feel is disrespectful, then tell her that. Stand up for yourself. You are a WONDERFUL man. And as long as you remember that, you will not allow yourself to be put down.
I believe her respect for you will grow stronger as a result.
Keep up the good work!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS and Matilda, My W and I had a turbulent-free weekend. My W has been free of her job for about two weeks, and I think she is starting to feel rested. She is getting some good sleep, and her respiratory symptoms are starting to subside.
She asked me about the state of our finances and I told her our cash flow situation. I told her that we are fine on an interim basis, and that she should take the time needed to find a job that suits her well. She seemed relieved by this. She has some savings she's going to tap into for spending money, to free up money for bills. It felt nice to partner together on money, which she usually doesn't like to talk about.
She is getting close to making an effort to quit smoking. I asked her what needs to be in place for her to try. She said an exercise program. We have a membership to a gym. She owns a treadmill. I will accompany her to the gym when I'm available. She said that she has cut her consumption in half already.
She is percolating ideas on how to improve her life. She may begin attending club meetings on improving public speaking. She is considering either voice or piano lessons. She has set some goals regarding exercise.
My self-improvement challenges these days revolve around how to be more expressive in my writing and dancing. This seems to be the instruction that I gravitate towards. My dancing is smooth as ladies say, but still lacks style and expression. I'm also working on being more proactive in connecting with people.
I'm reading Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert. It's considered a classic in literature. It's about a doctor who marries a country girl, who feels stifled by their simple life. The jacket states that she longs for passion and seeks escape in fantasies of high romance, in voracious spending and, eventually in adultery.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
How did you happen to pick Madame Bovary? It's like a flash from my past.....but can't remember details. You are such an avid reader.....and you seem to benefit from all the books. I appreciate hearing about them through you since I never find time to read these days.
