W has filed for the D,where to from here

[micoms]

My old thread locked up, guess that makes me a full blown member.

Link to last post:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1260684&page=0&fpart=1

W still lives with D24, D's boy friend and our GS. She still only works and sleeps. Her hours for work are still 4Am to 2PM no weekends off. Talked to her earlier in the week. Told her I am concerned she is in depression, sleeping all the time. She denies, says if there's something to do she can stay awake. But outside of work she's only awake an hour or two a day. Talked to her about Retrouvaille, I'll let her think about it a few days. Next session is in April.

I had bypass surgery 10/15/07, W filed 2 weeks after I got out of the hospital. Court date on 1/23/08 now for property and spousal support.
W did say a few things that put a distance between us, didn't do a good job of listening, whack myself with a 2x4. I will the next time. It was the first time she said anything about things that upset her, maybe a baby step.

One thing about my sitch is I've gotten closer to the kids. W was the one who called S26 & D24 to check on them and would update me. Now I call them about twice a week, go to S26's house 2 or 3 times a month, same with D24. D19 & S25 still live with me. S25 is trying to become a police officer and is waiting to get a job before moving out.

I think she is in a MLC, MC confirms. She thinks running away from me and our problems will solve them.

Mike

[micoms]

What a night, I found out my mother had a heart attack, my brother didn't call me until 9PM today. She had it yesterday. He said she's doing OK but it was too late to go to hospital to see her. Spent the rest of the night talking to my aunt, moms sister, she didn't know about it either. I'm really close to my aunt, she's more like an older sister(she is only 6yrs older that me). She called me to apologize for not seeing me or sending a card after my surgery. Was on the phone with her for 4 hours.

She told me that my W picked her up and brought her to the hospital the night before surgery. Said W told her she was D'ing me and she was seeing a co-worker and told her his name. I told my aunt his name and she confirmed. This guy is a married man, don't know if he's having problems in his M or not. My W knows aunt and I are close, didn't she think aunt would tell me? I've known about this guy it wasn't a surprise.

My aunt told me on several times over the years that W would complain that I wouldn't fight over her. Aunt told her that she didn't want that because she saw me get upset and got into a fight one night while out with her(my aunt) and told her It wasn't a pretty site, the other guy was taken to the hospital. My aunt had never seen that side of me. In fact I walk away from situations because I know I can go nuts. In fact my W had never seen me mad until D19 then 16 met a 21yo weasel and he came to my house to start a problem. My kids had never seen me that upset as I was that night.

I guess in my mind I knew W was or is having an A. But I still think we can work things out. Aunt told me that W wanted me to be more assertive with her. Maybe I should try that approach.

Well I'll try to go to sleep and say a prayer for mom.

Mike

[HHIF]

I know how you are feeling,my wife of 24 years filed for D and I am sure she is going through MLC.
She is taking pills for depression,and anxity and another so she can sleep.
Our S12 is having a very hard time with it,we are both christians and she knows what the bible says about divorce,but still insist she is going through with it.

She says there is not another man in the picture and I tend to believe that.
The attorneys fees are starting to mount up,between what we spent on attorneys and the condo I am in it's already been close to $15,000 that we don't have to spend,so now she wants to talk to me about mediation.
I do not want a D and do not want to do anything to make it easier or faster,we may go bankrupt,but she is the one that has done all of this,and I keep hoping she is going to wake up one of these days and realize how wrong she is for doing this.

It very hard to understand because we are very friendly,she invites to the house for dinner and we get along great as friends,she just keeps saying we have grown apart and ILYBNILWY and we just need to move own with our indivual lives.
What? Who is this person that has taking over my loving wife's body?

[micoms]

HHIF,

My W is the opposite of yours, she sleeps all the time without AD or sleeping aids. When she was at home, I would come home from work she'd be asleep, wake up for dinner and asleep 15 minutes after she sat in a chair.

Mt W also denies there is OM involved but a conversation with my aunt last night, W had told her she was seeing a co-worker that I had suspected all along. I don't think she is seeing him right now, but will after the D.

I also don't want a D, have told my atty so. W is in MLC, she broke down in MC and said she thinks she's having a MLC, she doesn't know who she is, what she wants has any hobbies or outside interests. NC suggested that we separate and give her space. I realize that was probably a mistake now, she should have stayed home and worked on it together. All along she said she felt guilty when I told her I loved her. I hope she wakes up too and hope she's not too ashamed or proud to admit she made a mistake.

Family and friends all want me to D her and move on with my life, but I'm standing for my M and will honor my vows. I've told the kids even if D goes through, I will wait, although I don't know how long.

I talked with her on Monday, told her I wanted to go to Retrouvaille that I don't want to walkaway without trying everything we can to save M. At times she looked like she was listening and at others like she was closed minded. Haven't had any contact with her since then, trying to give her time to think
about it but she will probably just sleep. One part of the conversation I asked her if she still cared for me, she said yes but not like a w should, I asked if she didn't like being around me, she asked why I told her I got the impression that she hated my guts at times when I was around her by the way she acted. She said she was having troubles at work.

She did say that she was not talking to the kids about this because she didn't want to involve them. I told her they are going to be involved, they will have choose when there are things with family to do, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc. That even though they are adult ages this will hurt them deeply.

My W also says we grew apart, that we never talked. Our lives were centered around the kids and their activities. But I said to her , you've been sleeping all the time since your hours were changed over a year and a half ago, How can I talk to a sleeping woman?

Need to get ready to go to hospital to see mom.

Mike

[HHIF]

It does sound like we are going through allot of the same things.
My wife has also said things like she has to find out who she is,doesn't know what she wants,feels like just getting on a plane and going away.
I have given her space and once I backed off and stopped chasing her she became more friendly but still says she wants the D but wants us to be good friends and good parents for the kids sake.
She has this fantasy that we can go through a divorce and all be fine and happy,Wake Up,it doesn't work like that.
She is the one causing the pain in our kids.
I too plan on standing up for my marriage no matter what her or frinds or attorneys say,I am putting my faith and trust in God and will keep believing that some how some way he will get her to realize what she is doing.
I have wondered about if D does go through how long I would still be willing to wait,she has even said"well we can get divorced and if we end up coming back together then great"
Really confused lady,but I am still crazy about her.

I will keep you and your mom in my prayers.

[micoms]

HHIF,

My W has said that after we D maybe we can date, why not do that now instead of spending money on attys? I think aliens have her brain right now. I had sent in my situation to Dr Phil show, they called me a week ago Thursday, told W about they want her info. She said I don't want to air my M problems on national TV. I told her I will do anything to keep M intact. Haven't heard back from show yet.

I stopped by S26's job yesterday, took s25's car in for oil change(he's a mechanic at Chevy dealership) and talked with him for a while. He said he told W he didn't want us to get a D. He started to tear up when talking about it. Don't know how W doesn't think this will hurt them. 26 year old man nearly in tears over this.

I'm going to give her a little more time and bring up Retrouvaille again. Our main problem has been lack of communication, but then again how can you communicate with a sleeping person. I think I need to talk her into seeing a doctor about this. Talking with others it could be chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, onset of diabetes or low blood sugar. All of these can cause serious health problems. These can all cause excessive sleeping. Wonder if she'll listen?

Mike

[grid, lost]

I had bypass surgery 10/15/07, W filed 2 weeks after I got out of the hospital. Court date on 1/23/08 now for property and spousal support.
W did say a few things that put a distance between us, didn't do a good job of listening, whack myself with a 2x4. I will the next time. It was the first time she said anything about things that upset her, maybe a baby step.

One thing about my sitch is I've gotten closer to the kids.

Mike, when does the court address your request for marriage C? What is the court doing? Set everything up to D and then sign off if C doens't work out.
2x4, I have since learned that for men and woman, to listen to someone has two very different meanings!!
funny how this horrible painful change that is taking place in each person's life, is also bring about growth and goodness.!!!

[grid, lost]

I guess in my mind I knew W was or is having an A. But I still think we can work things out. Aunt told me that W wanted me to be more assertive with her. Maybe I should try that approach.

Well I'll try to go to sleep and say a prayer for mom.

Mike I don't know if I'd try being assertive with your W. If you are going to, first define what exactly being assertive means and answer a couple questions first. How will you be acting differently if you are assertive with W? How will W be acting differently if you are assertive? Will you like the picture of both of you? To me being assertive is = to anger or authority, with MLCrs, don't believe that might be best. Just my thoughts.
Saying prayer for your mom.
grid, lost

[grid, lost]

I have given her space and once I backed off and stopped chasing her she became more friendly but still says she wants the D but wants us to be good friends and good parents for the kids sake.
She has this fantasy that we can go through a divorce and all be fine and happy,Wake Up,it doesn't work like that.
She is the one causing the pain in our kids.

HHIF,
Welcome to MLC and LBS !!!!
Go and read posts from those working with S in MLC. See the forum on MLc if you haven't . MLC spouse is NUTS and don't know what they want or from whom. that much I now realize. Mike is great help and follow his post.

I too plan on standing up for my marriage no matter what her or frinds or attorneys say,I am putting my faith and trust in God

[grid, lost]

I have given her space and once I backed off and stopped chasing her she became more friendly but still says she wants the D but wants us to be good friends and good parents for the kids sake.
She has this fantasy that we can go through a divorce and all be fine and happy,Wake Up,it doesn't work like that.
She is the one causing the pain in our kids.

HHIF,
Welcome to MLC and LBS !!!!
Go and read posts from those working with S in MLC. Check out the forum on MLc if you haven't . MLC spouse is NUTS and don't know what they want or from whom. that much I now realize. Mike is great help and follow his post.
As we each grow we realize our own part in the MLC crisis! The LBS does share in this problem and does cause some of the pain. Mike and I have been spending last few weeks both trying to figure out what we each did in our own stitch. What books have you read? Are you reading DB or DR? The books help a lot.

I too plan on standing up for my marriage no matter what her or frinds or attorneys say,I am putting my faith and trust in God

this is nice to hear. Plan on an extended Stand., as another told me and was so correct. Although I do have to say things do start to get better.
My WAH left 10-03-06, wow has it really been that long?