Hi, I am curious if anyone has advice about how often I should be in contact with my H. He moved into his own apartment a week ago, and kept on saying that he will still like to see and talk to me. When I got the bomb dropped on me November 12th, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married anymore and he had been unhappy for awhile. He said that he could not pinpoint why he fell out of love, it was not me, it was him. He is a very nice guy and always wanted to spare my feelings, but in the same sentence would tell me that he didn't ever miss me when I was away. He said that he always had fun when we did things together, but he really didn't need to spend time with me. We have been together 12 years, and prior to all this, he was an amazing husband with loads of affection and love.
Since he has moved out, he has called or e-mailed each day and wanted to "check in" and we had dinner this last Wednesday. When I met him for dinner, I didn't bring up the relationship at all and we had a nice time laughing and talking. I took on the approach of being his friend in hopes of us relaxing around each other. I know that he has a lot of self esteem issues beyond the marriage and he is in therapy to uncover what is going on, but he says he needed to get away b/c he had to concentrate on himself.
What I am conflicted about, is do I take his call or call him back everytime he calls me? I have tried both ways (not calling him back and calling him back) and I don't see that much change. I debate between not being so available to him, versus him still trying to be connected during this time apart when he has issues beyond the marriage. He called today and he wished me a nice weekend and mentioned making plans to see each other again. I haven't called him back yet and thought I would wait a day. Is that right thing to do????
Do you have kids? That makes a big difference as well.
This all depends on you.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Hi, We don't have kids. I feel like it's conflicting. I know that if we had kids, there would be reason that we would have to see each other all the time. On the other hand, I know that when he does want to see me, I know that it's b/c he wants to see me, not kids. Anyway, does anyone have advice about being available to them whenever they call? Again, the debate is that if I am not that available to him, he will miss me. On the other hand, I know that his issues are beyond the marriage and I would love to know that he will want to come to me versus anyone else to consider some of his thoughts that he is experiencing in therapy. Advice?......
How old is he? Im not sure about seeing/answering calls maybe at first, being friendly and somewhat available without pursuing to let him see you are still there and care figuring out what went wrong on your part, so you can make changes read love languages-see what language he is keep posting if he is in MLC it takes time in mean time focus on you pma gal peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Sorry it took me a couple of days to respond. I think I just royally screwed up!!! I called and asked him to meet me after work to give him a check he was waiting for. He asked if he could just pick it up on Saturday at the house instead b/c he was coming by to get somethings. Then I told him I had to tell him some things. I proceeded to tell him that the other day when we were talking (he had stopped by on Monday) he mentioned that it sounded like I was having fun right now w/ all the things I am doing socially. I wanted him to know that I was having fun with my friends and things at work, but....I wanted him to know that I was not okay w/ what's been going on right now. It is hard for me right now and didn't want him to think that everything is easy breezy right now. He then proceeded to tell me that he knows things are not easy right now, but he was at least happy to know that I was having a good time w/ friends. He said that nothing has changed for him in the last 2 weeks and he still at the same place, and that he wants to be on his own and that he doesn't know what else to say. I went on to say that I just don't want any regrets and I know that he can't work on the marriage right now b/c he wants to work on himself, but at some point I know that I will have regrets if we don't get that chance to find out where things went wrong. I didn't say anything. Then he said that he was anxious to hear that I am not really doing well. I said I am doing well with all other parts of my life, but I not in this area. He told me he didn't know what to say and that I make him anxious. I mentioned that maybe we need to talk about how often we are talking right now and seeing each other, b/c maybe it's too soon to see each other. He mentioned that he had a good time the other night when we went to dinner (of course b/c I didn't bring anything up).
The problem is that I am really impatient and once I see him, I waiting all day and hoping that he will call me. It is killing me and it seems that ever since he moved out, he is slowing the calls and contact down very slowly. It's as if, when he first left he wanted to call me and make me feel good, b/c he felt bad for leaving and now that he has a little bit of freedom and sees that I am okay, he doesn't seem to be calling as much.
We ended the conversation with him saying that we can do dinner next week. We will also see each other Sat. morning b/c he has to use our computer for work at the house. I felt so deflated after the call. I felt like his tone was not friendly to me and that he was irritated by the whole thing. Do you think that maybe I should suggest us not talking for awhile? It seems that everytime I get off the phone with him, I am sad in one way or another. I feel like I said the wrong thing or I am second guessing myself the whole time. I am a very impatient person and the whole time I am thinking about him, I am thinking that maybe he just wants to be alone and he just doesn't have the guts to tell me, but.....who knows??? Help! By the way, he is 37. Brita
You mention your H is 37. That's prime age for mlc.
Don't waste time worrying if you "screwed up." We all do/did.
He wants to be alone, at least for now. Give him space. Let him innitiate contact with you. This will go against every fiber of your being at this time because you want him back. That feeling is normal but you can't fix this. I would bet he had dinner with you only because he feels guilty.
You say you are impatient. That must change. Patience is what you need most right now. It's not easy but you can do it.
You're going to have to learn to listen to your head and ignore you heart. You already have many of the answers you seek. He probably is "slowing down the calls and contact." Yes he probably "wanted to call and make you feel good" to relieve the guilt he was feeling and because deep inside they still care for us, but can't be around us now.
You must face your fear of losing him and do the oposite of what your emotions are acreaming at you to do.
You must detatch and let him go if you are to have any hope of saving your marriage. Study up on mlc. Learn what you are up against and do what you know you must, not what you feel you must do.
"Fear is the mind killer" Muad'Dib
Last edited by sleeper; 01/17/0803:11 AM.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
Brita, hey, I am very much in the same boat as you. My H and I are seperated, and He just moved out on Dec. 18th '07. This was his second bomb after we tried piecing for 5 months. Once he moved out again, I have not heard or seen H much at all since the week after he left (we did two dinner nights cuz he wanted to talk-probably guilt). I do not contact him. And when he calls/texts me, I often wait hours or days to respond to him. This time is MINE now, You have to focus on YOU, and not worry about his dwindeling contacts. They are not able to be around us very much while in MLC. And when they are - I think it is painful to them. The less contact the better is what I believe. I know each situation is unique to each individual, so you can make the choice whether to contact or not, better than anyone else here could for you. Follow your Head, not your Heart!!! I find this time around, It is much easier for me not to contact H, but the first time - I couldn't bear to not want to call or be with him. I have learned a lot from being here on this board for almost a year. I do believe that part of the reason that H came back to me the first time, was mostly in part to finally DBing like a crazy woman and I went DIM. He came running back after about a month and a half of practicing the skills we learn here. However, just because the techniques worked and he came back to me, he is now gone again. So the point is that, even though I changed - He still has not. His MLC will have to finish completely before we can ever truely try to reconnect again. With that being said, They need time alone and to miss what they once had, and this will take a very long time with many ups and downs. So be prepared for him to just drop off the face of the earth, and do not worry cuz that is what they need most right now. I hope this will help you, if you would like, you can look at my thread(I only have one so far) for more details. TIPPER
Hi there Brita...again, my sitch sounds similiar! Its a bit lengthier though, I threw it all down, to get advice...and it does help.
I've known my partner 12 years and we've been together for 9 and he too was a loving and kind attentive, devoted partner until last June, when he withdrew, but was still here...I got the bomb on 2 Nov and he moved out 15th. Funny when you say you had dinner and a nice chat and you didnt mention the R..that reminds me, back then, we went to the pub after the bomb a few nights and had great time, I made dinner every night and he talked about himself mainly, his family, his work, and I didnt bring up the R, we drank wine and all was as if nothing had happened..until things started deteriotating and he got more resolute...
You sound quite calm, so maybe it hasnt hit you yet...it didnt hit me until Christmas week, when it became clear from his increasing distance and lack of contact that he REALLY meant it.
He said he was going to get an apartment, but so far hasnt I dont think. We had contact every other day and he texted and phoned, although looking back it was only ever in response to contact from me..and now I see it was only becuase he felt guilty. I clung on and kept contacting him till Christmas, when his guilt was so great, he'd got to the point of not being able to look at me and barely being able to talk. So I stopped C him and lo and behold, he stopped contacting me. Everyone here says that its best to be strong and patient and do not contact him. So that where I'm at now...NC.
as soon as you can, let him go, let him do what he needs to. But dont beat yourself if you cant do it yet...took me 2 months!
Brita, it sounds to me like H does want to have some contact with you. Also, it sounds like he is not able to 'look after you' as he likely has in the past. There is a depression that goes with MLC, think of him as disabled and likely to be that way for awhile. I also am dealing with an MLC H who sounds a lot like yours. I did impose some structure on the situation -- it was stringing me out too much mooning over the email in-box and constantly checking for telephone messages. I was reduced to acting like a lovesick teenager and after awhile I couldn't stomach the indignity of that. I negotiated with H for regular reliable contact instead of leaving it up to his emotional state du jour. Our first agreement was for two phone calls a week on Mondays and Wednesdays at 5:30pm, and a date day or evening on Fridays. After several weeks H increased the contact to 2 dates per week and we have maintained that increase.
It's very good advice to not engage in any OR talks. Keep it light.
