H had an affair, now wants me back,,,

[ntl]

H and I have had some good phone interactions while he's been away. We've been connecting and he's really been making a great effort to call me when possible. Small steps, small steps.

I am still scared and have some shaky thoughts at times, but I am trying.

Another thing...he's also been very up front with me about his compulsions to watch porn or other things that are 'at-risk behaviors.' He tells me when he's getting an impulse to act out and he is calling me or reading his SAA (sex addicts anonymous) green book (mainly the stories of addicts in there and their journeys). He says it helps him stay sober and that he is feeling really good about himself when he conquers his compulsions.

This makes me really hopeful...like he's finally trying to attack the root of what has caused him to seek ways to fill compulsions.

Still trying to be realistic though...

Regards,

ntl

[conjured_1]

Hey ntl,

I have a different take on your situation. I too am the wife of a sex addict. My H went to SAA meetings for 5 years and was able to stay sober and working a recover program that worked for him. He got caught up in the disease this past year and quit his SAA meetings, told his sponsor to take a hike and quit going to his therapist. He was able to white knuckle and stay sober for about 10 months and then he relapsed by looking at porn online. He's been back in SAA meetings for the last month and has recommitted to being sober. So it can be done. It requires work on both parts and time. Lots and lots of time. (Please check out a book, "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes. it truly explains what SA is. and also "Don't Call it Love", by Patrick Carnes - they are life saving books)

For us (my H and I), recovery and our respective 12 Step programs were hard as anything we've ever done in the beginning. Because of my own recovery support group, I was able to rationally get through this relapse. And relapses happen. DBing and 12 Steps can work really well together. I've gotten much help and health by following and using the DB techniques that work for me and my situation. The main goal being that you learn what it is about you that you can change to make YOUR life good and healthy. And that should be your H's goal. Then there's time to work on your marriage.

I don't know if I'm allowed to give you the url here of the online support group that I am a member of, but I will gladly give you all the information I know if you email me at [e-mail] . I can also give you the contact information for COSA, which is the support group for Codepedents/co-addicts of Sex Addicts. (Saved my sanity many a time)

You can get through this ntl, if you take the time and slow down. There are many well meaning people that you will meet, but unless they are married/in a relationship with a sex addict, they don't really know what your going through. And many people will tell you that SA doesn't exist, but you already know for your self that it does.

Be gentle with yourself and know that you've got a friend here who knows what you're going through.

Steph

[smileysmile1966]

Sorry you have to leave this guy. He has cheated on you so many times. It is going to hurt but there are men out there who won't cheat. Like a poster said, if you have babies it will be 100 times worse if he did it again then you will end up a single parent. I am amazed you have put up with this so many times

[ntl]

Hey ntl,

I have a different take on your situation. I too am the wife of a sex addict. My H went to SAA meetings for 5 years and was able to stay sober and working a recover program that worked for him. He got caught up in the disease this past year and quit his SAA meetings, told his sponsor to take a hike and quit going to his therapist. He was able to white knuckle and stay sober for about 10 months and then he relapsed by looking at porn online. He's been back in SAA meetings for the last month and has recommitted to being sober. So it can be done. It requires work on both parts and time. Lots and lots of time. (Please check out a book, "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes. it truly explains what SA is. and also "Don't Call it Love", by Patrick Carnes - they are life saving books)

For us (my H and I), recovery and our respective 12 Step programs were hard as anything we've ever done in the beginning. Because of my own recovery support group, I was able to rationally get through this relapse. And relapses happen. DBing and 12 Steps can work really well together. I've gotten much help and health by following and using the DB techniques that work for me and my situation. The main goal being that you learn what it is about you that you can change to make YOUR life good and healthy. And that should be your H's goal. Then there's time to work on your marriage.

I don't know if I'm allowed to give you the url here of the online support group that I am a member of, but I will gladly give you all the information I know if you email me at [e-mail] . I can also give you the contact information for COSA, which is the support group for Codepedents/co-addicts of Sex Addicts. (Saved my sanity many a time)

You can get through this ntl, if you take the time and slow down. There are many well meaning people that you will meet, but unless they are married/in a relationship with a sex addict, they don't really know what your going through. And many people will tell you that SA doesn't exist, but you already know for your self that it does.

Be gentle with yourself and know that you've got a friend here who knows what you're going through.

Steph

Thank you so, so much for this. This is exactly the kind of hopeful story I need to hear. I will definitely email you. And I had no idea about COSA!

Regards,

ntl

[ntl]

Sorry you have to leave this guy. He has cheated on you so many times. It is going to hurt but there are men out there who won't cheat. Like a poster said, if you have babies it will be 100 times worse if he did it again then you will end up a single parent. I am amazed you have put up with this so many times

I appreciate your comments. I certainly have heard this from others and it is not something I take lightly, flippantly, or without a tablespoon of salt.

I know it looks horrible...it feels much worse. The thing is, I live my reality and my truth and if I am very, very truthful, I know that H is a flawed, flawed man, but one with several good, good qualities.

I, like you, like the many other wonderful people on this board, have deeply held beliefs and guiding principles that come and give us the direction for our lives. Right now, mine is telling me I need to put some time in to my marriage to see if my H can at all be a changed man. I know he needs to want it for him, and I know I can't nag, push, plead, prod, or moan my way there.

And maybe after all of this, he'll still be a cheater. But at least I will have done everything I can to support the person I love underneath the demons in his work. If we don't work out because he can't stop the compulsions, then I can move on. But right now, I feel like I need to stay and be a part of whatever transformation there may be.

Regards,

ntl

[conjured_1]

I've been remiss, welcome to DB, ntl. Sorry for the circumstances that bring you here, but we've all been there.

I'm a bit surprised at some of the posts to you so far. One would think this place has turned into Divorce His A$$, instead of Divorce Busters. It appears that some of our members are a bit bitter about their own lives right now. It happens from time to time, so please don't let that color your marriage situation or your time here. For the most part, you're going to find wonderfully supportive people who will offer advice, friendship, strength, the occasional 2x4 (when needed) and most of all understanding.

The fact that you're reaching out and looking for help during this trying time says a lot about you. We have a saying - one in 12 Steps and here that helps, fake it 'til you make it. Smile, smile, smile.

More importantly, be gentle with yourself, you deserve it.

Steph

[Hope_11]

And maybe after all of this, he'll still be a cheater. But at least I will have done everything I can to support the person I love underneath the demons in his work. If we don't work out because he can't stop the compulsions, then I can move on. But right now, I feel like I need to stay and be a part of whatever transformation there may be.

This is very well said. In the end, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and you will want to say that you did everything you could. This is a great outlook. Stay strong.

[ntl]

And maybe after all of this, he'll still be a cheater. But at least I will have done everything I can to support the person I love underneath the demons in his work. If we don't work out because he can't stop the compulsions, then I can move on. But right now, I feel like I need to stay and be a part of whatever transformation there may be.

This is very well said. In the end, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and you will want to say that you did everything you could. This is a great outlook. Stay strong.

Thank you! I am trying. It's a battle. There are moments that I just want to run away, but I remind myself of my values and it gets easier.

[Hope_11]

Thank you! I am trying. It's a battle. There are moments that I just want to run away, but I remind myself of my values and it gets easier.

I'm speaking from experience. I have been D'd for almost 5 months now, and looking back I'm glad I did things my way...not anyone else's. I'm to the point that I can talk to XH and not even get upset anymore....and still being able to have a decent conversation with him means something to me.

[ntl]

Feeling particularly hopeless tonight. H has been away on business in Europe for Market Research (he's been checking in often and I even saw my C today). I think there may be several triggers at work here:

1. I've been reading some other message boards where spouses of sex addicts post. So many of the posts deal with spouses who have been in recovery for some time, and then relapsed into "acting out" behavior. That scares me because I wonder if that will be in my future. Certainly, based on statistics, it's a better than 50% chance that my H will relapse and may likely cheat again in the future.

2. H has now been gone since Saturday. I think that's too long for me right now. I need reassurances and to see him really working at his recovery. He's telling me that he's been listening to the Mort Fertel Marriage Fitness CD's we've saved to our iPods. He also tells me about his battles with his urges and how has been able to overcome them. But still, I feel the distance and the uncertainty creep, creep, creep...

My C agreed that I have no guarantees, but she affirmed that all the work I do right now, in learning forgiveness, in learning how to be loving when I want to be mean, in living my values, will only strengthen me and keep me sane in the future. And she reminded me that I don't have to make a decision right now and that it is okay to feel needy. She's telling me to be gentle with myself and that I don't have to be strong for both of us. Just for me...just for me.

It's a tough thing to remember when those feeling demons start ripping in though, isn't it? Sometimes, it's so easy to feel strong and powerful and affirmed (when I re-read my posts right now I wondered who that girl ntl is!!). But sometimes, oh...sometimes. That's the evil thing about these feelings--these doubts and fears.

God give me the strength...

ntl