Almost WAW has been having an emotional affair for seven months. She knows my concerns. She is adamant that they are only friends, but there is too much closeness there for me to believe otherwise.
I recently snooped a little on the computer. I didn't look into her email or anything, but just looked up the history of what she looked up. I found something very concerning. I brought it up to her, and she gave me a somewhat weak alabi, and I blew it off. I had snooped a bit this past summer, and told her I would never again. This past fall, she seemed to have heard my concerns, and seemed genuinely concerned about my worries and backed off the EA. It has begun again. And it is almost worse than before. I think it may have gone physical.
But our marriage is hanging by such a thin thread, I am afraid to inquire about my findings any further, even though I don't believe her. We had a hopeful conversation today regarding our R. So if I ask about this, It will ruin the small amount of DB progress I've made recently. But I feel like I need to know for sure if this EA has turned physical. Wtf do I do here?
I'm not great at this kind of stuff, but I feel it's important for you to know the extent of your wife's affair. Or...maybe not...if you knew it was a PA, would that change your behavior? Would it make you want to make a decision (i.e., to leave, to separate, to divorce)? If it's not going to change the fact that you want your marriage to work, maybe it's not worth knowing.
The question for me is: How are you going to build a connection with your wife so she won't seek it elsewhere? I suggest checking out http://www.marriagefitness.com. Mort Fertel also has a book called Marriage Fitness that gives great tips on how to create a connection with your spouse.
Basically, he says that you have create an atmosphere of loving kindness. Table the negative stuff for now...put it away and focus on creating a connection. When you feel like there is goodwill and you feel kinder and gentler towards her, then work on your issues.
As I said, I am no expert, but I hope it's something!
ntl
Me: 30 H: 32 Dating 10/96 Married 8/01 H PA's: Summer 97, 12/06, 5/07-10/23/07 My Saga
At this point if you are trying to save your M then it is not worth getting into.
Remember DB rule of thumb: Do not go down the cheeseless tunnel. or better said, Will what im about to ask bring me closer to my goal or put me farther away from it?
Stay solution focused!!! and unless you have concrete proof and are putting in place a boundry for your well being DON'T DO IT.
But that My OP.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Go buy DB/Div Remedy and give them a read. Also check out Not Just Friends. All very good resources.
W's friendship (!?) is inappropriate even without it being physical. At this point in time, just focus on yourself and drawing her back to you with positive behavior and love. There will be time to talk about her possible A. Some people confront right away (me!) and some wait (read SueS). You will do what feels right.
She might get mad that you snooped, but she will get over it.
Keep reading situations here, post on other threads so people get to know you. Good luck.
By the way, emotional affairs are real affairs. They almost always slip in into physical intimacy. Even if they don't, they erode your marriage and sap your wife's desire to be with you.
The only way it's ever over is if there's no contact.
Be prepared for several things:
1. You wife will downplay the emotional affair. 2. She may deny or lie about a physical affair.
What's your strategy? The same if it's emotional or physical.
So....
1. Decide if you want to confront now or later. In my opinion, there's no use pretending it isn't happening.
2. If she admits it's happening. Tell her your love her and want to restore passion in your relationship and you want to re-discover each other. (Sounds better than saying, "I want to work on the marriage). Ask her to end the affair. Don't beg her, don't give ulimatums. Be calm. Ask for what you want. Be prepared for her to say "no". Be preprared for her to say, "I want a divorce." If she's deep in a romance with the other guy, she's in la-la land. The important thing is not to panic. Fear and shock are your greatest enemies.
3. Don't pressure her, beg, her, argue with her, try to convince her to dtay in the marriage. Give her space.
4. Don't force conversations about the relationship if it seems clear she wants out. If she's open to discussing things, do so.
5. Get a life. This is your wake up call. Excercize, take up new hobbies, re-focus on your career. You can't change her, you can only change yourself, and perhaps, that'll attract her back. This is the most important thing you can do.
6. Be a little mysterious. Don't do the same old same old. Get her curious about you.
7. Don't make rash decisions. Whatever you do, don't move out.
I realize I don't have the whole story, but since you and your wife seem to be on good terms at the moment, being engaged with her and discussing this stuff, and especially voicing your concerns, is still a good thing to do so long as you can do it in a reasonable, rational way, with control over how you express your emotions.
I am certainly no professional and have no business giving advice, but my W was in a 3 year R w/another man and we're still together, and doing pretty well, so I kind of identify with where you're at and hope you can avoid going through the kinds of things me and my family went through.
You should definitely consider all advice carefully. The things I'd recommend at your stage include the following:
1. Get into marriage counseling (both of you, together) as soon as you can with a counselor who believes his/her role is to help you strengthen your relationship and marriage. All counselors are not created equal. Find someone who's reasonably priced if your insurance or workplace doesn't cover it, but find the person who would be best for the job. It's worth giving up recreational money, eating sandwiches for lunch, etc., if you have to, believe me.
2. Tell her what bothers you, in a calm, respectful way. There's nothing wrong with asking her to stop. Not everyone may agree with me, but I don't think married people have any business pursuing or justifying a close friendship with members of the opposite sex. Period. It's disrespectful to the other spouse at the very least.
I recommend Michelle's books as well because they are so practical and helpful. There's a lot in there about detachment, getting a life, etc...in other words, making yourself a better, stronger individual...that is very good. Keep in mind, though, that the recommendations about avoiding relationship conversations and such really only apply if your W is openly rebelling against the marriage or is hostile. I mean, you SHOULD be communicating with your wife about how this bothers you. Again, HOW you do it is important.
It's tough because there's no way to know exactly what's going on...which is why she should be willing to cut off this kind of friendship completely. There's nothing at all wrong with you being uncomfortable with it.
There's no way for me to know what's going on in your wife's mind, of course. She may be telling you 100% of the truth. My experience obviously was different, so my perspective is permanently colored by that. Either way, since you two are even at this stage in your marriage, be ready and willing for some hard work ahead.
Best wishes.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
