Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Journaling,

My original thread: His affair, he left, now he wants me back.

Boy when you start to slide down that slope, there's no telling how far down you'll go.

My D6 told me something today that pretty much confirms that H and OW are in contact, and seeing each other, though how far it has gotten is not known. She described meeting "Daddy's friend", but didn't know her name, and when I asked her what she looked like...well you know where I'm going with this. I had even asked him if he'd seen her and he said no (dumb question, I know).

So the lies continue, probably the A as well, or at least she or he is talking about it. I don't even know if he was ever sincere about wanting me back and becoming a better person and living his life with honesty and integrity.

Of course, I have no proof of anything. Today I called my H's cell and left a really nasty msg, but deleted it at the last second. Since then I've been feeling just awful. I feel angry, foolish, betrayed all over again. I want to confront him with what D told me. I want to tell him to just get out of my life, stop playing games with me, let me go so I can get on with my life and heal.

Of course, there is the possibility that what I'm thinking and writing is not the case, but then I told myself this same thing for over a year. WHY do they hang on to us if they want to be w/ the OP? WHY can't they just leave, stop hanging on, stop giving us hope? It would almost be a relief for him to just say "it's over, I'm never coming back". I know many of you would not want to hear that, but I am getting closer and closer to that point. Just what is my breaking point? How far can he push me? How much sh*t will I eat before I say "enough"?

Today I am not DBing. Today I am contemplating throwing in the towel, giving up, shutting that door. Today I want to just find my way out of this mess, alone, and let him live in his crazy, f*cked up world that he can't let go of. Today I want to ask for a D, sell the house, move to another city. Today I feel like I am done.

Let's see how I feel tomorrow.

Fooled Again (again)

[LooseThread]

did d6 tell you specifically when it happened?

you can't go off a 6 year olds words....I've got one...i know.

Sometimes they are convinced that what they said is right but they haven't a different concept of timeframes that might be leading you off on a wild goose chase.

I don't know what to suggest.

In the absence of DB'ing I would be inclined to mention calmly to h that "d6 told me '..blah blah blah'. What does she mean? I am fearful that you have been seeing OW - have you?"

ag...I really don't know...

will go back and read the rest of your post now...only read the first little bit.

[LooseThread]

Oh and huuuuuge hugs....

Have been where you are...too many frickin' times. I hope hope hope it's different for you.

Prayers for you.

[fooled again]

LooseThread,

My D6 went to ski lessons on Sat - H dropped her off but couldn't ski b/c of a hurt knee. When they got back D6 started telling me about the day, and H mentioned "meeting up" w/ a couple he knows (I don't) who also did things w/ him & OW. She started to say something but he interrupted her. Today she was talking about same incident w/ me alone, but mentioned Daddy's "other friend" not the one who is half of the couple (he never mentioned anyone else being there). When I asked what she looked like, she described OW exactly.

What else could be going on? What am I doing? I was ready to walk away from this sh*t 3 mos ago but he dragged me back in begging for me to give him another chance, he loved me, didn't want to lose me, blah, blah, blah. And I bought it - it took me awhile, but in the end he had me hook line and sinker. I had been living through this crap for over a year at that point and had contacted OW, heard all the lies, and so on. Why would she be back - how could she take him back knowing how much he had lied to her too? I don't get it. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone and these people are aliens.

Plus I am pissed off that he let OW anywhere near D6. She is sensitive and makes every one of her wishes about Daddy coming home. How does he think she will react to finding out that this "friend" of his is actually the woman who helped tear apart our family. I want to stop him from being able to have her around my D6. I fear that I'll have to just proceed with legal actions to do that. I'm sick and afraid and just when I thought there was hope.

I'm just so hurt, so deeply hurt. I don't know what to do.

[LooseThread]

Don't try and guess what's going on!!!

You won't get it exactly right and it is just confusing when you get new bits of info and you try and make it fit into 'your picture of what's going on' and you get further and further away from being realistic.

The safest thing to do is love your d - don't prod her for any information about daddy. If she volunteers it, that's one thing but don't probe!! I've got a 6 year old girl and I know it's hard and your d probably is getting confused, but you know what? It's not your fault!!!

Karma's a beyatch. It'll bite him sometime...maybe not as soon as you would like..but it will bite him sometime.

Take it from me, I've been exactly where you are now. It sucks big time but you can't change what your h is doing. Alien spew, ducks back, etc.

DON'T ASK D FOR DETAILS - it's damaging, and you are playing the drama game. The only purpose it serves is to upset you and probably confuse d as to why you have gotten upset. You don't want your d to think that it is her words/actions that have upset you do you? Be calm...listen to what she has to say, validate if you need to but don't snoop.

[Heartbroken]

They hang on to us b/c they are not 100% they are ready to give it all up - and/or they want US to file and start the D process so they can rationalize in their heads 'See my spouse was just as unhappy and wanted out too...'

[ntl]

I don't really have advice for you except to say that I feel for you. It sucks and hurts to know your spouse wants someone more than they want you. And that they can't see how much it's hurting you...and that they don't care. It's crappy. (((HUGS)))

[theoden]

Fooled,

I think you should connect with Heartbroken, since her stroy is similar: flip-flopping husband who can't be rid of OW.

Calm down.

Here are my thoughts:

If you are done with him:

Be done. Seek legal counsel. Lay out all the issues. Choose a mediator, but retain your lawyer to go over all the agreements.

If you are not done with him:

1. Since he is the one who wants to reconcile. Find a good pro-marriage counselor and go through the book After the Affair by Janis Springer. It has chapters on ending the affair, etc.

2. If he says he's ended the affair, then ask for proof. Phone logs (mobile and land-line) access to all email accounts.

3. Ask him to send a letter to OW saying he's done and have him show it to you.

4. Call OW to aknowledge he's done. )I'm iffy on this, but it you've spoken to her before....go ahead)

If he refuses any of these terms, he's not done.

Don't get fooled again.

---Theoden

[micoms]

fooled,

I agree with the others here. Take 48 hours to cool off and think. Could this have been a chance meeting? I don't think H would have purposely met OW with D along. I know I wouldn't put my kids in a position where they had to lie for me.

I know H meeds to become transparent, needs to let you see every thing he does. Remember OP in an A is like an addiction. Will H go to MC? That would be a good place to discuss the boundaries you need to set for H, what he needs to do to prove to you it's over.

Mike

[LL44]

Haven't had a chance to say HI and I'm sorry. Let things cool down a bit, and see how you feel. Thinking about you...