I know we are all anti divorce I know I am, but does anyone ever at times feel like divorce would be a welcome relief? My H told me at the very begining of our ordeal that he wanted a D and the sooner the better because he did not want to be pressured into R talks. I could not understand and thought he was just being a jerk. I now get what he means. I obviously don't feel the pressure of R talks because we no longer have those, but what I feel now is the pressure of the roller coaster ride. I have the strain of having a good day with him only to think that more will follow and then bam he turns into a prick again. I get so many mixed signals that I don't know weather I am coming or going and as soon as I start feeling ok about our situation or like we are making progress-pow-a quick jab to the stomach. I now find myself very gaurded wondering what H is going to walk through the door (the nice one or the mean one). I get really nervous when he hangs around because I start wondering that things might be going ok, but then the house won't be clean enough, or dinner won't be good enough or any little thing will set him off and things will go back to him wanting to leave again. H was over tonight and I cooked for son and H ate as well. His hamburger was not done all the way and he seemed OK with it, but then I felt like maybe he would start thinking like "this is one of the reasons I left" or OW is a much better cook. I have turned into an insecure mess. I don't want a D, but man I want to stop feeling like this. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
This is the part where you step back and work on you. YOU need to find out what YOU want to be. What makes YOU happy. Be that fine confident person you know you are. GAL helps a lot. Do things that you want to do or have wanted to do. This way you can have your identity again. When you work on you in a positive way (for you not your R or him) he'll notice.
One of my focuses during my ride is to be a better dad and to make my time count when I am with my kids. I have been very consistent with my behavior because I am doing it for me. My W noticed and couldn't stop praising me about my fathering skills. If you do good for you people will notice, but more importantly you will and you won't have to worry about what other people (H) thinks. But thats just my two cents.
I hear you loud and clear, and I agree completely with NaTo, also.
I have been on this roller coaster for a year as of this Thursday, and while I have done an incredible job of finding myself and GAL, if I do say so myself, I have found there are whole weeks when I can't pull myself out of the dumps and the H-focus. The past couple weeks were like that - I even found myself begging him to just come home ... something I thought I had more than left behind months ago b/c I knew it wasn't going to happen. This week, though, I'm back up, detaching a bit more each day, and while I wonder if the certainty that would come with a divorce would be a relief, I just don't know...
I wonder how much I have to find that balance - that steady space - despite the limbo; that even if we did divorce, that I would continue to ride this roller coaster of what if and why every once in a while anyway.
I know that my grieving process I went through for my sister when she died 22 1/2 years ago is so similar to this: even when I have found a good "spot" for her to be, when I know that I'm not obsessing or focusing on or feeling her loss all the time, there are still days when that painful sadness leaps out and grabs me - and each time I think, "WTH?"
I don't have any better answers than you're finding already, I think. Keep trying to reach for your own place and to hold onto your own worth, and then be gentle with yourself when those panics and painful spots come back. Consider this: wouldn't you hate to feel balanced quickly? Wouldn't that require that your love have been a whole lot less deep?
IMHO, it makes sense that doubts and questions about what we are doing should arise, especially as we find strength and consider where else we can go - even just where else we must go with our marriages. Transitions are never simple.
I hope you keep finding support here, and know you're not alone!
I believe the WAS feels as if D will be relief...but in actuality it may not be. I think they just don't want the pressure of a committed R so they can clear their minds enough to think things through. Have you gotten the 'Let's get a D so we can be friends' speech yet??? Yeah....right.
I don't know if D is a relief or not for me, but I now know that D will not solve MY problem...meaning 'what was it that I did/did not do that contributed to the breakdown of my M'. Know what I mean? Even if H and I get the D, the root causes will still be there and will probably carry on to the next R.
This is why what NT and Anned have said is so important. You have to work on YOU...for YOU. Any future R's (if you so choose to have any) could still have the same issues as your current one if something doesn't change....that something is You....Me...Us. You will be a happier person, a more confident person, the person your H fell in love with all those years ago. That is person he will want to come back to.
