Starting to get it.... my 3rd thread

[ann25]

Another one bites the dust....Last Locked Thread

Just starting a new thread.

super quick summary of my sitch:
drama/fighting/off and on H sleeping in office 14-16 months before ILYBNILWY from me to H. H asked for D - 4/07. In house seperation (h staying in home office/me in bedroom). I had online EA 6/07-9/07. End of Aug, H decided he wanted to try again. He found EA. I ended it. tried MC, H says it doesn't work. I've been trying to read and learn how to deal w/ my H. I think H is trying, there just not a whole lot of visible signs. He's still home and saying it. I'm not attracted or in love, but I'm working on that.

There's lots of other little junk that goes in the middle, but that's the just of it!
----------
I'm trying to start focusing more on the positives and things that i can do, than on all the things my H isn't doing. It's going ok so far today...

H always has an excuse why he's not helping me, so i'm just saying "i understand that you are (tired, sick, stressed, busy...). You don't have to apologize for feeling that way."

On a very very positive note for me. Last night we were watching american gladiators and D3 woke up after having a bad dream, H let her sit with him on the couch and watch it rather than having me soothe her and send her back to bed. She was soooo excited, she had a smile from ear to ear. it was the best thing i've seen in a long time.

Hope everyone is doing well.

[dh4320]

Nice to hear things arent going in the wrong direction. My brother was asked to be on gladiators he is a body builder he would do great on that show but he is 2 busy running one of our family companies. Not much to report on my sitch W has been silent and dark almost a week now no more emails or anything not even calls to speak with S, so thats that,,,

[blindsided1]

Hi Ann, sounds like you are plugging along. I wanted to know if you found out the sex of your baby. I haven't read all of your posts. I check in, but you get a lot of response. It's hard to keep up. So, do you know what you're having? I find out in 3 weeks. Exciting

[ann25]

things are going in all sorts of directions... hehe.

I think H really needs to figure some stuff out for himself. Stuff i totally can't help him on, so i'm just trying not to focus on any of the bad stuff. I feel like so long as I try and stay positive, I'll be able to keep moving forward. H can go in whatever direction he choses, i just hope he notices where i'm headed and tries to tag along.

I love that show. I'm kinda a TV junkie when i feel tired (pretty common now being half way through my 9 months). I just keep laughing that the people on there that are tiny and keep winning. I couldn't imagine them being gladiators next year.

[dh4320]

Good 4 you Anne u go in your direction and let the H figure his own sh!t out...

[ann25]

yep yep.... hehe...

was that the man speak version. I'm really trying to learn!

[ann25]

Hi Ann, just checking in with you. I was curious to see if you found out the sex of your baby, yet. I find out in 3 weeks. Just wondering.

hey blindsided... i moved this over to the other thread. I guess i must have clicked post twice cause now i have 2 threads... who knows.

We find out next week. We had some issues during the last pregnancy with the AFP (nothing actually came of it, thank God!) so the Dr. said he wanted to wait to do the ultrasound until he had the results back, so i wouldn't have to schedule another US after if we needed one. I can't wait to know. I'm almost 20 weeks.

[fb2]

Ann, If you still have the DR book maybe quickly re-read steps 2 and 3. Esp 3 on how to ask for what you want thou' you seem to be way beyond that with the positves. But I think you can find a way to ask for what you want in a slightly more loving way and you may be pleasantly surprised. Show H some of your gratitude. From what I've read sexual incompatibility is easier to resolve than a lot of other issues like finances, inlaws, etc. Keep up the progress!

[ann25]

I do still have the book and I'll reread those when i get the chance. Thanks.

I think at this point, i'm really beyond the point of asking him for anything though because I don't think he'll be able to give me what i want until he is ready to deal with some of his issues. I hope that by him seeing me working on myself and my issues, that he'll look at himself and say, am i really happy this way?

I don't know... I'm not sure how much more loving i can be/will be. Maybe loving is not the right word there. I try to be very loving towards him. I just won't take whatever he dishes anymore. I had to make a decision, a personal boundry. I will not be made to feel guilty or less than worthy or like i don't deserve to be happy in my M. I can put up with a lot, but I have to stand up for myself because not standing up for myself is what got me to the point of ILYBNILWY. When i said that, i was on the verge of being a WAW, i had looked at apartments, looked for a part time job... it was bad.

I was hurting and it seemed like no matter how i said it, he just didn't get it. I told him how i felt, so hopefully he would realize what he was doing to me and he said he wanted out. The one person that i should have been able to turn to and lean on was the one causing the pain. If i let that go on now, where will we be in a year or less... will i walk away, will he want out? It's a lot easier to put up with that when you feel "in love" than when you don't.

I may be totally misunderstanding what you said, if so, i'm sorry. I knida went off on a random tangent anyways, though, so... oh well!

Anyways - this standing up for myself is what has me being able to be positive. I'm taking responsibility for my actions and trying to get it through my thick head that i can't make him do anything. I might not be DBing really well, but i'm as happy and sure of myself as i have been in a long while and i'm seeing the new positives in this M. That has to count for something.

[fb2]

No, Ann it was I that didn't understand fully so forgive me and I see your point about him crossing boundaries and not getting it. You are trying to break the cycle of hurt in an effective way and it seems like H may now be trying too but lacks the skills so you have to train him to tune in to your feelings - easier said than done. In my own case I knew I wasn't in touch with W's feelings but I also know that she didn't communicate in a way that would help her cause. Anyway step 2 is still about how to ask for what you want and maybe you can substitute "love" with "assertiveness" in your situation. Anyway you seem to be making steady progress.