I have a good friend of mine......she's 45, still a very active and attractive lady. She loves her husband with every ounce of herself, would do anything she could for him....but you know what? She has absolutely no desire to have sex. After she had her 3rd child she lost her libido. She's been to Dr's. taken medications to try to increase her libido and nothing has worked. She will never turn her H down when he asks for sex, but she feels soooooo horrible that she no longer has that desire for it herself, he makes her feel like she's dysfunctional when she's not. This is something she has absolutely no control over. Her husband has been talking to her about her level of desire and asking her why she doesn't "want" him anymore.....you know what? This makes her feel absolutely terrible. He just doesn't understand that a physiological change has taken place in her body that she has NO control over. She cannot "will" the desire to be there, she has yet to successfully create that desire by medication as well. But because he keeps focusing on it I see my friend heading into a depression because she's not able to satisfy his need to feel "desired" no matter how hard she tries. He refuses to see that she does sooooo many things to show him he's desired in the ways that she can....but she cannot create that sexual desire if it simply is not there. From what she's told me there have even been times when she's initiated and he's stopped her because he thought she was just going through the motions (how unfair is that?)...when what she was truly doing was trying to show him how much she loved him....no the "sexual desire" wasn't there....but the desire to please him was. No she wasn't sexually driven, she wasn't driven by his definition of "desire", she was driven by love. But because what she was doing wasn't his "definition" of desire....he shut her down. He rejected her. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
with me, i always focus on how i want love to be shown to me. in return i try to show love the way that the main people in my life want love to be shown. for instance, my D thinks that hugs are great but her love language is words of encouragement. i simply asked her what was more important to her by giving her examples (when do you feel most loved? when i cook for you? when i hug you? when i tell you that you are the best D in the world?, etc.). words of encouragement is not my language and it is a bit awkward but i do it anyway. she appreciates it too.
i wish we could all step out of our comfort zones and do what the other person needs. your post made it more clear to me that sometimes people may want to do things to make us feel good but if they try sometimes WE reject THEM. my D is so gracious. she probably knows that sometimes it is hard for me to think of an encouraging thing to say that i haven't said 400 times. but she doesn't tell me, 'mom, you've said that 400 times. think of something new or don't say anything at all.' no, she accepts my feeble attempts even if i don't seem like i am totally into what i am saying.
so, my H has said that it is not me, he wants to want me and he does want me, but his body/mind says no. he went to the dr too, and all his bloodwork, etc, was fine. he doesn't show me the way i want as much as i want, but he shows me how he can. we have other issues and our R is imperfect to say the least. but when the other person tries, we should cut them some slack. they are at least trying. and even though we may feel like we are doing everything just right, we aren't. we are missing the mark too, most likely.
ME 36/ H 43 D 12/ stepS 9 T 2 / M 1
Some men see things as they are and say why. I dream of things that never were and say why not? --Robert Kennedy
Hey GEL, welcome back. Looks like reunion day here or something. Chromosphere also poked in here today after a long hiatus. Now we just need Honeypot to chime in too!
Yeah, I know how that goes. Seems when I get swamped that everything else looms larger than life too. How are you and MrGEL getting on? Things still going well for you?
Good to hear from you. Hopefully you are just poking in to see how your old friends are doing, not because of things going on in your R.
Things are actually going really well at home, have been for quite some time now. Mr. GEL is a much different man than he used to be because he's now letting himself actually fully participate in a loving relationship. He still has issues sexually-speaking, but he really does try...and as time goes by I see more and more changes in him in that area as well....in a good way.
Wow Gel, that is terrific. I wish I could say the same. I honestly feel like it will take some kind of bomb to go off in our R in order for H to get it. There is just this indefinable, can't put my finger on it issue that makes any of my attempts to discuss it, change my behavior, bargain with him, act spicy etc... just silly, surface scratching maneuvers. I feel strongly that until H cops to something - "I am not having sex with you on purpose and it is because......" we won't get anywhere. And the reason can't be stress, tired, overwhelmed etc... It needs to be something specific to him, us or me that is causing us to go around and around the mulberry bush - he can tell me I'm boring, he can say he's addicted to porn, that he only married me to have a family (ILYBNILWY) or something but there has to be something going on that better explains things. I don't want to find out that it is like what your H had going but at least it would be an honest start with cards on the table.
Karen, I've come to believe that what Mr.GEL did was almost necessary for us to get to where we are now. A definitely a painful way for us to get there...but I believe it was necessary. It was the catalyst we needed to kick us both in the butt to do what we really had to do. I had to stop giving him chances and excuses, and he...he had to decide to really participate in our relationship or lose it. Fortunately he valued it, our son, and he valued me enough to do some really tough work. There was a time I didn't know if I could get past what he had done...but I have.
