Hi everyone, I've been gagging to get back on these boards and check out what's happening with everyone but my beautiful little iBook hasn't been feeling well just lately and you have to book a month in advance to get a half hour slot on the family PC. LOL. So here I am back at work after the holidays and I've opened all my emails and ready to go.
Looks like 2008 is getting off to a good start in the Hap household. H has quit the drink - yay! Big thank you to RJ for putting my message on the Western Wall. It was that very Christmas Eve that H decided to quit. He continued to drink very moderately over Xmas while his folks were here and so we could have "normal" meals and festivities etc. Then he read book called "Easyway to Control Alcohol" by Allen Carr - and that was it he has quit. And btw so have I.
I initially imposed a sexual moratorium - it lasted about 5 days. Or I should say it lasted about that long after I imposed it. We hadn't had any sex for about 6 weeks before that. Dang - why am I so HD. But it was important while it lasted because I was drawing a line under our old relationship. I explained to H the reason for this decision which was to dissociate myself from the sexual afterglow feelings which lead me to think everything's OK again. Just like he needs unfogging from alcohol I need unfogging from sex. I needed space to figure out whether things really are going to be OK. I think I should have tried to keep that boundary for longer really. He was acting very cool, very determined to get into my pants which was just too darn irresistable. AGH!
Reading some of the other threads and going by my own experience of the last few weeks it does seem to me that it is essential to let go of trying in any way to control, manipulate, nudge, spook, ouitwit, prod or otherwise influence the SO's behaviour. It's also essential to quit letting them do that to you. I am learning to say what I feel without caveat. I just say it. I don't add to it or justify it or excuse it or soften the blow. It seems to work, there's less aggro in our conversations. A while back I was posting about being alpha and how I was getting good results - but they didn't last and I think that's because it was an effort for me because it's not the real me. Now I think it's not about being alpha, it's just about being me and making no apologies for being me. H needs to learn the same lesson somehow. Hey Hairdog, can you take on a student?
A couple of times when he has been trying to manipulate me by saying things like "I can't live like this". I just think to myself "OK then don't". It has made a big difference to be ready to bail. Truly ready to bail, because I don't backtrack on myself just for the sake of keeping things together.
But seriously the hard part is knowing he needs to learn the same lesson and also knowing I can't get that to happen. I just have to wait .... or not.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I tried to read your thread a few days back and couldn't get in... some weird message I got from the BB system...
Anyway.
Quote:
Reading some of the other threads and going by my own experience of the last few weeks it does seem to me that it is essential to let go of trying in any way to control, manipulate, nudge, spook, ouitwit, prod or otherwise influence the SO's behaviour. It's also essential to quit letting them do that to you. I am learning to say what I feel without caveat. I just say it. I don't add to it or justify it or excuse it or soften the blow. It seems to work, there's less aggro in our conversations. A while back I was posting about being alpha and how I was getting good results - but they didn't last and I think that's because it was an effort for me because it's not the real me. Now I think it's not about being alpha, it's just about being me and making no apologies for being me. H needs to learn the same lesson somehow. Hey Hairdog, can you take on a student?
A couple of times when he has been trying to manipulate me by saying things like "I can't live like this". I just think to myself "OK then don't". It has made a big difference to be ready to bail. Truly ready to bail, because I don't backtrack on myself just for the sake of keeping things together.
This... THIS is brilliant.
You have no comments from me, for there is nothing I could add to that... except keep going to Alanon for support...
... and I loved YOUR story about your little boy, his puppy and the bus. Dam... that makes me all teary... let me know when he has started his own business of taking dogs to the park for walks... I'd say it isn't too far off...
Is your H going to AA or has he just "quit" cold? As you know the pain and issues that literally "drive a person to drink" are still present when they stop drinking, except that now there's no anesthesia. You cannot be his main support in his sobriety, but I think you know it. AA is not for everyone, and there are people who get sober without it. But true sobriety required facing the pain and dealing with it in some way besides alcohol. That is hard to do on your own.
I know that when my bf stopped drinking, our life together improved tremendously, but he didn't get into AA until a couple of years later. At first I saw even more change, but lately he's been skipping meetings. It's a long, hard, haul, and frankly, no one can say what are your long term chances for success.
That's why they say "one day at a time." I do have lots of hope and good wishes for you.
Aw thanks Corri, thanks Lil. I was having a bit of a poor me pity party for absolutely no reason over on MJ's thread. I think the thread got posted twice and one of them was unusable. (Slaps self upside the head).
Keeping going to Alanon is something I will definitely be doing. It is making such a difference to my ability to keep on track with keeping my nose out of his business. I have such a lot more room in my head since I've stopped concerning my self with HIS stuff.
H has quit cold on his own without going to AA. This is a little disappointing for me but I'm also quite proud of him for being able to do it. I don't really think there is anything I can do or say to encourage him to go although I can see where it would probably help. But then any kind of spiritual development would help him. Perhaps that is a better tack for me to take, and make it into more of a joint/family thing. I think he would be possibly more open to that. But you see there I go again poking my nose into his business.
He is out tonight with the scuba club - normally his big drinking night out. One of the things the Allen Carr book says is that you shouldn't avoid your old haunts to avoid drink because otherwise you won't break the association between alcohol and enjoyment. If you can quickly see that it is possible to enjoy your life as normal without alcohol then it is so much easier to stay sober. I know he is looking forward to the challenge of proving to himself that he can enjoy his night out as usual. It's 11pm here and he's not back yet so he's either fallen off the wagon or having a great time booze free.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
