How to win my wife back? HELP!!

[smileysmile1966]

Ok..simple question.

To those who are or had been separated from there husband now living apart (separate houses) but still not D'd.

Did you or had you had your emotional/physical needs met by OM?
Maybe a co worker? Whether he is M or whatever?

Now this is ONLY a question for somebody who had been "HURT" and is "ANGRY" by the way your husband had treated you. That you had to get out of the M for his unreasonable behaviour ONLY.
Not because you fell out of love for him or stopped fancing him but non other than he WOULDN'T CHANGE.

Does this sound like you?

When a woman first seriously considers divorce she usually isn’t thinking about the theological implications of her desires – all she knows is that she feels like she has to get away from her husband. She doesn't arrive at this state of desperation by a process of calm deduction. She is simply reacting to the feeling that she "can't take anymore." Her departure is typically a sign that she has hardened her heart towards the man to whom she once entrusted it. Likely, she has been hurt over and over, and finally decided she will tolerate no more emotional pain. Her leaving may have been an attempt to coerce her husband to change, but more often it has been a desperate effort to survive. She sincerely believes that she cannot endure anymore heartache, so she has reached out and grabbed onto the separation like a drowning swimmer clings to a life ring.

Sadly, most husbands have few memories of “hurting” their wives. But let all such men consider – if a woman does something as extreme as leave her mate, claiming she can no longer handle the emotional pain, isn’t it likely she is, in fact, in pain? (If emotional feelings could bleed, a man would see a trail of blood following his wife as she walks away from him.) The truth is that a hardened woman only got that way because her feelings got hurt over and over. Herein lies the problem – most women believe that they have communicated their hurt to their husbands, but most husbands only have memories of their wife’s bad attitudes. All those times a wife thought she was simply expressing the cry of an injured heart, her husband only perceived hostility, coldness, or hatred. She felt like she was begging for tenderness and sensitivity, and he backed away because he thought he was being attacked.


Does this sound like your feelings?
Then a short time after you have separated your heads all over the place and your co worker has started to pay attention to you and one thing leads to another. Was he a MM? Did you care? Was it real? Did you want more? Was it revenge for what your husband done to you? Were you trying to hurt him? Get back at him? Or was this OM "support" for all the crap your ex put you through?
Was it deep rooted this hurt and pain left by your ex? Did he harden your heart so bad that you would never go back to him because his unfulfilled promises of change would keep you from going back? Did you honestly switch off your feelings for him because of so much anger and hurt inflicted by him. Did you lose love for him forever? And this OM was solely there for a quick fix and basicly because he happened to be there at the time? Did your heart ever soften for your remorseful, repentant ex over time? And deep inside your decision that it was over and moving out and telling him it was little to late and no chance of reconcilation...was there hope your actions would finally change him? Or was there no going back..whatever?

My soon to be ex wife, who is holding proceedings as I found out probably because she will lose her privilige to her spouse train travel pass which gets her to work 3 days a week and helps her out financially.
She said to me yesterday that when she left me a "switch" went off. And it NEVER switches back on.
So many times in 2.5 years physically living together she tried desparately to get me to change my ways.
So she came to a point (read above) of no return hence turning off that "switch". Which she has done with any R she has been in.
The difference is we have a D who is 13 mths old and we have to stay in contact. She is still very ANGRY with me and would even say that she wish she didn't have to see me
Is there any WAW reading this who can relate to this? If so HOW the heck do I get her to "switch" back on?
I am not even sure what she entirely means. Gawd I am so in pain

[Jay_Lost]

Unfortunately, I am in the same situation. And have no answer. But if someone answers you, they may be able to help me too.

[cat03]

there is no formula, all sitches are different, and could be a mix bag of the above. ANYthing could happen, if there is an OP, it starts as a quick fix, as someone who's meeting your needs when you are hurting, mostly like an escape route. At that time, people demonize the LBS and for them it is over and done, they will sound sure and they will a lot of things--most of them out of anger.

Remember what the DB book says? believe half of what you see and even less of what you hear? In the heat of anger all sorts of things can be said, my H told me he never was happy, that our M was not good. Much later on when he came home he did agree that we were happy.

Yes, she will be angry for a few months and the only things you can do now is validate her and tell her that you do understand that she needs space and time to think. Right now, you can't make her do anything, just be understanding, no begging, no expectations when you see her, just GAL and work on yourself and give her time.

[mrarow]

Welcome to the website, too bad your here!! Start reading posts and the book and start following the Db book principles. Its a long rollercoster ride of emotions but you can't lose if you don't give up and remember time is your friend now. Work on you!Get A Life

[FriendlyOneDuh]

Hi there.

I am so sorry that you two (Smiley and Jay) are in so much pain. I sure wish there was a "magic bullet" that would fix this muddle. Unfortunately, there isn't.

If you read the first post here, you will find lots of advice for a gentleman in a similar situation. Possibly a little farther along.

The advice will feel harsh to you, as your pain is so raw, but as this process continues, I hope and believe that you both will come to see the wisdom of it.

Take the pieces of it now that you can, and just realize the rest comes from the poster's personal experience. It may feel more germane some time later for you.

I wish good luck and Godspeed to you both.

Take care

J

[Virtually_Handsome]

Hi there.

I am so sorry that you two (Smiley and Jay) are in so much pain. I sure wish there was a "magic bullet" that would fix this muddle. Unfortunately, there isn't.

If you read the first post here, you will find lots of advice for a gentleman in a similar situation. Possibly a little farther along.

The advice will feel harsh to you, as your pain is so raw, but as this process continues, I hope and believe that you both will come to see the wisdom of it.

Take the pieces of it now that you can, and just realize the rest comes from the poster's personal experience. It may feel more germane some time later for you.

I wish good luck and Godspeed to you both.

Take care

J

F1's link didn't work, but here is what she was referring to:

OK, here is the thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...&gonew=1#UNREAD
The post is from Was2Sad, it is in the middle of the ninth page, if you are logged in (I think the pages number differently if you are not).

Step one, forget "winning" her back.

[EnergyAZ]

Hello smileysmile1966,

I am a new user and your post prompted me to register on this site.

You had described my wife who told me on New Years Eve that she wants a divorce.

For the past couple years she has been desperately requesting certain changes in my personality that were not conductive to a positive relationship. She would reiterate her love for me, and a desire to have a happy life together - but would be impossible if I allowed certain negative personality traits to go unaddressed.

And its not like I never heard her requests, and its not like I did not feel her requests were valid - because they certainly were. It was because I took her dedication, love and commitment for granted and fell into complacency.

I now hear her loud and clear, and my desire to improve and change is not only in attempt to win her heart back - but to genuinely improve myself in attempts to realize my full potential as a human being

But now it has also gotten to the point she wonders out loud if she ever really loved me enough to get married in the 1st place. Says she 'loves me, but no longer IN love with me' That hurts because I know that at one time, she loved me as much as any human could love another and we had a love affair as strong and beautiful as any. I still feel that way about her, but she apparently no longer feels the same. My 'Dr.Jeckyl/Mr.Hyde' personality had finally alienated & hurt her so much that she feels she has no option left but to leave.

Now I am on the cusp of loosing it all. We have a beautiful child together and had been seriously discussing expanding our family in 2008 - and now I am looking at loosing it all in 2008 instead.

I am sorry if I have no helpful advice as to how to win your wife back - other than to say I can completely relate to your situation. There was no infidelity on my behalf. There was no chronic partying until the wee hours. It was simply a matter of my wife wanting me to CHANGE and I never did.

We have been together for almost 7 years, and they clearly were the best, most productive years of either one of our lives. Our relationship truly was/is something very special and I have ruined it with my complacency and arrogance to take her and her love for granted.

We have not separated yet, and I have no desire to do so.

I do desire to CHANGE. She believes me, but also feels it may be a day late/dollar short. But I still have passionate love for her, and hope springs eternal that love will prevail.

I imagine this experience has been as soul searching and eye opening for you as it is for myself. I hope you can find this all as a learning experience as what you need to do for yourself to enhance your life by recapturing the heart of the woman you love. (change - be that person she always felt was inside you, realize the potential she had hoped would unfold within you - how you do this, the path and efforts one must take - as unique as you are yourself. But 'know thyself and thou shalt know the universe and the gods' - you will be a better person for it, with or without her. Hopefully she will want to be a part of that!)

Fortunately for me, my wife has agreed to marital counseling which we will begin immediately. Unfortunately for me, she has told me she has made her decision and it is in her hopes the counseling sessions will help me learn how to let go of her.

But thats not what I have in mind...not at all. I feel a divine inspiration to save our marriage and our family. Its the most important quest I will ever take, and if it still doesnt work out in the end. At least I can look into the mirror or my son's face and honestly say that I did everything in my power to save it.

Good luck - I wish you all the success in the world and am pulling for you - a total stranger - with a compassion typically reserved for people I know well care deeply about.

Love can and will prevail! (I hope?)

[smileysmile1966]

Thanks guys for your input.
EnergyAZ...I am sorry about your situation.
There is no other man involved is there?

My estranged wife tells me she is now not interested in other man who apparently showed her attention in work. He has now left, say about 2 1/2 mths ago. It wouldn't work out anyway. I know that. It was a 'quick fix' as somebody pointed out.
My ex even said it was the attention and he pursued her blah blah
She tells me she is just concentrating on our D who is 13 mths and herself and that I have emotionally damaged her. She says she will never trust a man again
That kills me. This doesn't mean she is not going to have the odd physical contact with this OP. Maybe she will. No strings. No emotional attachment.
She says he just phones up now and again and is going through a S with his W. So he has his own problems.
I am not sure whether to believe her because she has her needs.

I made her very angry 2 nights ago
You see she has a train travel spouse pass and relies on it now she is a single parent with a part time job, mortgage etc.
Because of my emotions being all over the place and the way she is still angry with me the mention of this pass being taken off her because we are no longer together she explodes with anger, and I guess this is the wrong way to get her if i want her back.

I dropped our D off and I brought it up. Also the divorce because I wanted closure. Because she had said she hated me and wish she never had to see me again. I calmly said I want the pass back. She kicked me out of the house. Trust me she was ANGRY.
As I walked down the driveway she opened the door back up and shouted **** was a better sh*g than you!
Thats how angry she was. Taunting me about other man.

I never retaliated. Or neither did I texted her that night. I left it until the night after. I just said simply "thanks for taunting me about.....a bit below the belt. I am not going to get ugly or hateful but I am going to let what I had said last night lie..I think you should seek a counsellor for your pent up anger, I need twice the amount now."

She replied with this.."the ONLY reason I get so angry with you is cos u dnt see my point on that pass! I always start fine with you but then u say stuff different to other times ie letting me keep the pass as long as possible etc then change ya mind a day or so later cos I say something you dnt like. The only reason I want to keep it is to make money easier. I have had to fork out £330 this month for the nursery even on xmas day and new year even though they were closed. Any money I save on the train goes towards that. I have to see u cos of ****** (daughter) so there will be no closure like we would like. So don;t be cruel as to not help me out way for as long as you possibly can. Thats all I ask. My anger comes out when u try and belittle my concern and then why we split. Otherwise I wouldn't mention it. I have anger at you only when I see you and you don't help me and ***** out in any way you can. As for me. I will never trust men now and you have emotionally damaged me, but that is my problem, u have no rite telling me what I should do or harp on how I damaged u last night."

I know, doesn't sound good eh?
Well I did manage to see my doctor yesterday and he has refered me to a cousellor in 4 weeks time.
I cried when I was there. I told him the truth about my anger.
Only when I am frustrated and my ex said she thinks my issues are deep rooted, engrained in me from youth.
Probably a little to late because my ex wanted me to 'change' and sort it out mths ago.
She says she has this switch which when switched off won't switch back on. Thats just her, she said.

Any lady on here can give me more insight into this 'switch' please? Maybe God can only switch it back on.

My doc said if you were the cause of the breakup then I should let her keep the pass to help her out. Gawd I need a slap!!
It was only because of this other man that I was going back and forth with this pass.
I need to stay focussed and stay in control from NOW ON.

PLEASE God give me the strength for endurance.

I know that some of what she tells me is not the truth.
ie to keep the pass she tells me that she is not seeing anybody or interested in anybody. Maybe telling me that because she needs this pass. I said once if she was seeing somebody I want the pass back. But I am backing off now.

[smileysmile1966]

Well My ex father is in hospital having triple by pass surgery.
So I was asked that if I could look after our D a little longer.
So I had her from 8am unti 8pm. My ex could go straight from work to the hospital.

I pulled up in her street and my heart sank and stomach churned as I noticed OM car parked opposite her house but a little further up. How do I know it is his car? Sherlock Holmes is my midddle name.
She opened the door and I handed her our D. I stepped inside and my ex looking like she was off to work not coming back from work.
Hair tied up showing her sexy neck. Make up perfect and her sexy figure. I still loved her and had the hots for.

I said can I use your toilet as I am bursting to go. Which I was.
The look on her face was a priceless. NO, she replied. You are going back to your house you can wait. I replied I only want to use your toilet. You have used mine 3 times.
I knew he was hiding upstairs. So I called his name **** you can come downstairs now. Ex replied nobodys up there.
I said his car is outside which she denied and then I pushed my way up there and the silly fool was standing in the dark behind her bedroom door. Dressed in a smart suit as if he had just come home from work. He held his hand up with something that looked like a dvd and said he popped around to pick them up. He looked scared lol
I said **** just go downstairs. My ex said NO, **** stay here. But he shot out of the house into his car and off he went.
I asked my ex for her spouse pass back. She said she was going to call the police and I said go on then. I said she was a liar. He is here hiding in the bedroom and I have just our daughter back. I NEVER lost my cool and it was quite comical all this happened. She is probably wondering how I knew he was there.

She gave the pass back and I said as I was leaving I will see D on Monday (I have D that day, according to her devised rota).
She replied know you won't and slammed the door. Wait for her to cool down.
I not sure she or he thought I was going to hit him. I have never done anything like it in my life but I felt numb. Really numb.
I would have had more respect for her if he was just sat in the lounge than hiding upstairs.
How pathetic was this???
I think he must have picked her up after work as he works 15 minutes away now that he left her company 3 mths ago.
And took her to see her dad in hospital as he hung around in the car park and then took her to her car parked near the train station and followed her back to her house. Why the hell would he be there this time of all days when i was dropping off D. How insensitive was that? And hiding upstairs. How many times has she done this? Looking back in the last 3 mths.

This time last year how things were different. I feel so numb.
I have just come back from my 1st of 6 counselling sessions and I cried to the female C.
I told her what had happened last night. So she is getting an insight into who I am etc.
Funnily enough, I was going to tell my Ex that the counselling was brought forward because of a cancellation. I thought she would think that I was actually doing something. But never expected this.
I am so numb. Why am I here? In this position? Why why why WHY!!?

I haven't texted her. And I won't keep in contact other than for our D. I am not going to say anything to her. Only to do with our D.
How the heck do you hold it together when this happens? When OM is involved? How do you guys on DB do it and still think you can get back together.
How humilating and demeaning it is for me.
Right now I want her this D sorted and get on with our lives. I don't need anymore lies from her. Maybe, just maybe he is just a friend. He comes from a Jamaican family and part of me knows this would never work between them. But to say to him whence I was there "stay ****". lol that is a kick in the belly.

M ONLY 18 mths ago! NOW look at me?

I am thinking whether to give her pass back until it expires in June. And saying to her that I am not going to listen to you anymore ref. this OM and that you aren't seeing anybody etc. just that you can keep the spouse pass. I am not going to sink so low and let you keep it until it expires.

I think my ex has the personality type where she sees everything in black and white. You cross her and she will drop you for good.
No going back NO matter how much you try to win her back. All the DB in the world will never work on her. Some women are like that and that is also what I read in DB.
If she has been hurt and she has lost trust in her spouse (me) then that is it. Her heart is closed forever!
"Next" please.
I feel so low today and so numb.

[smileysmile1966]

Ok.. if you have been reading my story the latest is..

Last week I was asked by my ex via text (surprise surprise) to compile all the baby pics from pc onto dvd that were taken before she left in August 2007.
Also video footage which she asked for me to record onto dvd.

Well I compiled the photos and gave the disks to her a few days later.
When it came to the videos. I had about 5 hours of us and the baby and family between mid 2005 and Summer 2007.
I had to transfer them onto the dvd player hard drive and then the ex will give me the dvds.

So, looking at the happy times and seeing us and our daughter I sort of flipped. It prompted me to make up a fictional man. I called him Tony and he was a 35 yr old single copper.

I plucked his photo off the internet and it was a convincing pic because it was a pic that was taken with a mobile.
I had a spare phone so one night last week I texted my STBXW.

"Hello *****, how are you?"
She responded and asked me to enlighten her who it was?
Oh is this a game? Ok, male or female?
I texted her that I was told she was a pretty blonde and newly divorced (we are not D yet) and lonely.

She asked me who gave me her number? She was a bit wary and had her suspicions it would me. Although she never said but told Tony she had her reasons why she was wary and thought it might be a wind up.

Throughout our text chat over the week I was 'fishing'.
I sent her a photo of 'Tony'.
She must have liked it. Her text(s) were kind of flirty. She asked for my age, station and credentials? Followed by a wink. Hmmm what ever could that mean..ladies?

I kept asking for a pic and eventually she sent one of her golden labrador laying down. With the caption above it, "Pretty blonde on all 4's pining for you!"
A possible sexual innuendo? She thinks its sarcasm lol

Then eventually she sends a pic.

I fished more as not to be detected. She said shes definately not on the rebound. Told me what her type of man is, athletic to muscular, manly really. He can be a hunk but if we don't connect mentally I am not interested.
She still kept asking me who gave me her number and was nervous. She was wary because she might be saying to much. I asked her why she split from her ex. I didn't like what I heard. She couldn't tell him enough.
I asked did he hit you? She replied, kinda of..at the end only!

Well I found this upsetting and lies. I had to end it.

I made my reasons as she kept on asking me who gave me her number.
I said it was a female who knew her. I had to end this. I made my excuses and she flipped.
She caught me out as she suspected it was me. Because of the way it ended.
She rang my mobile later and rang Tonys (which was beside me) from her landline phone. It rang. I had to hang up as I was on the train. She texted Tonys phone, "got you, you freak!"

Definition of freak. Genetically devious individual.

We had a bit of a text war the next morning. She texted me 6.30am in capital letters about me coming up with £300 for the divorce etc etc.

I replied for her not to threaten me. Told her I couldnt believe how she could tell a complete stranger the things she did. That she had no class and dignity etc etc.
I wanted my travel pass now and the divorce. But I would only pay half.

She won't give it back but shes going to see the solicitor.
She thinks I am a weird freak now.

But before you all jump on my back. Yes it was as my ex says not "normal" or/and "right" and no justification. For a father to do this.

But my counsellor says that the video recording had triggered this behaviour. I had to find out "where she was in her life."
I found more than I bargained for
I never once flirted with her. She did with me and I can't believe she spoke about me the way she did to a complete stranger. She was intrigued to get to know 'Tony' more.

I was hoping she was going to tell me to sling my hook until I told her who gave me her number.
I can't believe she opened up so much and I was upset and shocked.
I have texted her my feelings on this.

I needed to know. I really needed to know. I was fed up of her telling me that she never said anything to anybody, especially a total stranger.
Fair enought, a friend or family. Is this what she is capable of?!
Now I have had my eyes opened.

I was due to have my D on the Sunday after the Friday this concluded.
She texted me "simply this..NO..tough mate!"
I texted her that please don't take it out on me seeing D.
This is the way she will do it to get back at me.

It went back to normal the falling Thursday. I had access to my D.
But she gave me daggers when she opened the door.
Handed me our D and I put her in the car. She placed the bags and pram outside the front door and then locked her front door.
She never gave me my travel pass back.
The same when I dropped D off in the evening. She took her off me and and the bags. Then as I placed the pram back in the boot of her car she locked her front door without a word.
I rang her bell and she came to her lounge window and said what do you want? I said come to the door. She said what do you want? I said grow up..she replied, rich coming from you!

I gave up and left. I will have my D this coming Saturday.

In a nutshell I have asked for the travel pass back because we aren't a couple anymore and I don't owe you anything. Only our D.
As far as I know she has or is going now to FINALLY file for divorce.
On the other hand I have mentioned in one of my texts that I was going to let her keep the pass well into the next year to help her out. But after catching her out, the way I did and the things she said about me wasn't dignified for somebody who supposedly "truly" loved me and to a complete stranger.
So shes hanging for dear life to that (DAMN) travel pass and maybe STILL will not file for D as doing she will inevitably will have to surrender it.

Hence why she probably didn't hand it back to me and that she locked the door so I wouldn't be able to ask for it back.

Well there will never be a repeat performance of this. I have to move on.
I found out what I needed to know without much prompting
Not what I wanted to hear and I have tortured myself.
I won't do anything like this or similar again. I have to regain her trust.
Not to win her back. But to show I am not this "freak" she claims I am now.

She has to understand that I still have feelings. That watching these videos pushed/prompted me to do this. I haven't done myself any favours but I have found out shes not on the rebound and that she can easily text a sexual innuendo to a stranger. Also the icing on the cake, the main reason I asked for my pass back is what she said about the reason(s) she left me.
Again to a stranger who texted her out of the blue.

I have to get back on track now. Clear my head. Go on holiday in the sun. Get to the gym. Focus. Start dating. Be there for my daughter.
Also bide time, patience on building trust with the ex to stay amicable for the sake of our D.