Long and Bumpy Road #3

[JAK58]

[/quote]
I've just read the last couple of notes, so forgive me if this is old territory. The WAH believes he knows you and that you'll never change - those beliefs give him confidence that he can walk away and you'll "stay put". Challenging those beliefs, even with something as simple as not spending the night, can stir things up. We don't know why he asked, but we do know that he did ask - curiosity is a powerful ally. [quote]

What Chuck wrote here is OHHHHH so true!

JAK

[Mom of 2 2B]

Ok, so I'm going to try this again. So frustrating b/c I really liked my last response before it got dumped! I think I had some kind of spyware virus b/c something took over my computer so I had to hurry up and log out. This post isn't as good as the 1st one (re-dos never are!).

I haven't had time to read your entire thread but what I think you're asking me about is whether I had similar feelings of desperation, panic, etc. between bomb and delivery. Definitely yes. But it didn't last long b/c H delivered bomb at week 32 (2 days after I got out of the hospital after 3 weeks) and I had them at week 34. But I was a mess- these are my first babies and I was concerned about how I was going to make it all work even with his help, much less on my own. JennyF is right- you'll find strength you didn't know you had. Try to focus on the day to day- I've found throughout life that the anticipation of stress, hard times, etc. is often worse than the actual event. I've had some really rough days- read my post from the Sun morning when he had the movers come to see just how low I've sunk- and I'm not a huge subscriber to the theory that it will all be better once the baby(ies) comes. There are times when I get sad that this sitch (i.e. HE) has gotten in the way of bonding with my babies. But I'm trying hard not to be resentful. Accept any and all offers of help and don't be afraid to ask for it- since you are divorced and pregnant your sitch is probably pretty out in the open as opposed to those of us who haven't told anyone (which makes the isolation worse and offers of help scarce).

With regard to whether you should accept his offers of help, I say yes. I was really resentful that my H was offering to grocery shop, take care of hte dog, etc. at first b/c I thought it was his way of assuaging his guilt without having to own up to what he had done. And I think to some extent that is true. I really wished I could have done it without him. But accepting his help was a) necessary (I was on bedrest the entire 2 weeks and shouldn't have even been alone much less doing all I was doing like preparing my own meals, etc.) b) required us to have some contact, which allowed me to DB (eventually) and get things started on a better foot, c) allowed him to show his better side (and therefore allowed me to show genuine appreciation). For example, he could have just gotten me a bunch of tv dinners at the grocery store, but he took the time to select the particular type of apples I like, etc. This helps me to act "as if." d) allowed me to show that I need him, which was one of his complaints (I am very independent and probably don't NEED him per se with regard to day to day or financially, but I definitely WANT him in my life and if it were up to me, I'd rather be wanted than needed).

With regard to wanting emotional support and not some dang groceries, you're going to have to face the fact that he is unwilling/unable to provide that right now. I fully understand- I'll order pizza every meal if it means I get the emotional support I"m craving from H. But it's not going to happen. I'm letting my H do things for me (and now the babies) b/c I need the help and I'm also hoping that it can lead to some emotional support eventually. I say accept as much as he is willing to give, let him know how his efforts could best assist, but don't push if he isn't willing to do exactly what you want. For example, there's one aspect of the care that my H isn't providing (overnight help) that really frustrates me. He'll come for 7 hours on a SAt and feel like he spent all day, but that may cover 2 feedings and it's during the middle of the day when what I really need is help overnight (which he isn't willing to do- still unsure why). I've told him several times and made it very clear, but he just won't do it, so I've stopped asking. Part of our sitch is that he thinks I'm controlling (and he's probably right) so I'm trying to "do something different" by backing down.

I'm going to have to run. I hope I've addressed the main things you were looking for- if there is something else please post on my thread b/c my time is really limited due to have 2 mouths to feed and I can't spend much time on this site! Good luck and I"ll be thinking of you.

MO2

[Startingover2]

Thank you so much MO2....Your words are so helpful. Its so hard to know what direction to go. Part of me wants to tell him where to go and how but the other part wants to let him in despite the confusion about his motives.

See, I am with you. I think its going to be difficult overnight. I bet i can manage during the day and find some sort of routine but the long nights are going to be tough.

I am having a bit of a pity party right now. I am chalking it up to hormones. My 16D called me from her dads and was angry that I did't drop everything today and get her some random and quite expensive thing she wanted. I told her to ask her dad and she got snotty with me and said he just paid for this and that. I replied that it was his month to pay that and I paid it last month so it wasn't like he was going above and beyond. She was with him tonight so she needed to work it out with him. She got pissy and hung up.

Then my other daughter18 was here. She was saying how her dad and his new girlfriend, her and my other kids are going out to some nice dinner...again. Now he has had them for the past 2 nights and has left them home alone until midnight as he had plans with the girlfriend. I am not one to butt into his business but it just ticks me off that he has all this money to spend on the new girlfriend and can't give his daughter $20 to buy something.

I once again have NO plans. I can't even tell you the last time I did anything social. All of my friends are married and very involved with their families and husbands. Maybe this lonliness is part of the reason I want H to come around more. He seems to have a great social life. I better get used to it. In a few short weeks I will have an infant to care for and won't be going anywhere.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[blindsided1]

Good morning SO2, how are you feeling. Hope you're doing okay today. Let me know how things are going.

[Startingover2]

Hey blindsided. I am ok today. Got my usual "how are you and how is my beautiful daughter?" text. I know I shouldn't complain, but I am sick of it being so impersonal and obligatory. There is no move to spend time with me. He is gone at a soccer tournament with his daughter and won't be home until much later tonight. I wished he would have invited me. I wonder if OW is there. I know she went to them all last year with him.

Trying to keep busy today. Not much else.

[blindsided1]

I wish I got a daily "how are you and the baby". We don't exist, it seems, right now. Hang in there. You're doing great.

[JennyF]

My H did not acknowledge or ask much about me even before the bomb when we were still living together and 'working on things'.

That's what frustrates me now is that he wants all this involvement but he didn't give a $#!T when I was pregnant.

Sorry...I'm a bit bitter tonight!!

Enjoy the IM's SO2...it's not much but it's something.
J~

[Startingover2]

OMG he is such a flipping liar!!! I am so mad I am seething right now. This may be hard to follow but I will do the best I can.

5:30 tonight
H: Have a good night. I have a really bad headache. I will talk to you tomorrow.
Me: Are you home?
H: yeah, I am going to bed.

Now H just lives less than 2 miles from me. I thought this was wierd as it was so early and he was sorta cutting me off for the night feeling. Like there would be no more communication.
So I drove by his house. He wasn't home. I knew it.
I went by again when I had to go out at 6..not home. Yes I know it was bad but I drove by every half hour until 7:15. Still not home.

Then about 7:20
H: I would really like to come by and see you and baby tomorrow.
Me: Are you going back to d's soccer tournament tomorrow? Are you back now?
H: Are you home right now? Can I come by later tonight? (almost like he was fishing because he sensed me fishing)
Me: Yes, when do you want to come by tonight?
H: I am laying on my couch trying to get rid of my headache. I am going to take a bath and I will call you in a few minutes.

I was out in his driveway! How could he say that?
I lost it and this is what I said

ME: Thats funny. Im in your driveway and your not home. Whatever.
H: I just left to get something to eat. Do you want me to come by or not?

I haven't answered. He is so lying to me. More than likely he is with OW and making sure I am staying put so he could see her. Either way he is lying. And no reason to lie if he didn't want me knowing where he was.

HELP HELP HELP

[Startingover2]

Update.....he still is not home and its 9:30. Such a liar. I am so sick of all of this. When is enough enough?

He is with OW or some other slut.

[Startingover2]

Well, it looks like he spent the night with OW or whomever he was with. He was gone all night long.

I am going into self protection mode. No contact at all. I am sure he will try and contact me today and I will say what I need to and then thats it. I have been doing this way too long and its pretty clear he has no respect for me or our child. He is a sick individual.