Here Yet Again

[Livin4ME]

So I haven't been posting for a while. I did an update under Extramarital Affairs a while back. Here's a brief look at my sitch. H left August 2007. I found out about OW in October, after 2 weeks of us being friends with benefits. I left for a week and he begged me to come home and work on us. I did, a week later he left again. Went back to OW. We spent Thanksgiving together with his family at their cottage. I decided to spend the holidays with my family in another state and have been gone since Dec. 1st.
Since then, H ended things with the OW on New Year's Eve, has bought a one-way ticket to come visit us in 2 weeks with the hopes that I will go back with him. He has been in contact with the same office that my therapist is with, and is waiting on them to call him back to schedule an appt. regarding his depression. Has gone to the dr to be testing regarding STD's. And has been making an attempt to straighten out his life. Meaning, he is making alot of decisions regarding his life. ie, ending it with OW, seeing a therapist, eating better, not drinking as much, going to bed earlier, spending more time with his family.
I need to go back and read my DB and DR books, but from what I can remember, I've been trying to follow it. Letting him bring up conversations, asking questions, but not being intrusive. Validating what he saying. Being the first one to have to get off the phone or to stop texting. Not bringing up the OW. We did have a talk the other day regarding the whole situation, but I told him, I just had some questions I needed answered, and that was it. He answered them, so we wouldn't talk about it again, unless the therapist wanted to talk about it, and then it would be in a controlled environment. He was fine with that. And I've held to it.
Right now its alittle bit easier because we're not together. He's still at our house and I'm out of state with my family. I know it will be harder when I go back, which I am seriously considering doing when he comes down for his visit. I have refound my faith. I lost it for a while, but I have been doing alot of soul searching, reading my Bible and praying about the whole sitution and I know that I'm going to have to lean on that alot to help me. I know I am going to be tested with snooping and being nosey and such.
So that's it, we'll see what happens. We've talked alot. And he's done all this on his own. I've told him I'm proud of him for having the strenth to make these decisions and I'm happy for him for wanting to improve his overall life.
I'm sure I'll be on here alot more again, reading other posts and asking advice

[sgctxok]

Great! It means you are doing something right.

Saying a prayer for you as well.

[cat03]

Hey there, welcome))))))))
First of all, I'm very glad to her you've found your faith again, it has been the driving force for me during all I've gone through. A wonderful piecing book is "healing the hurt in your marriage", it has a christian background, an extra reason I like it.
You both will doubt from time to time if you are doing the right thing, it is ok, it is understandable and normal.
Here is some wonderful advice I got when I was fresh on this board and was feeling down in the dumps. Another wonderful book to help you deal with the A and ow is "not just friends" it is a great healing book too.

You seem to be doing right, you will get more answers out of him if you ask questions without accusation, most men clam up when cornered. There will be answers you might not like, and some answers might not satisfy you. It is up to you to let go or wallow in the past.

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As I have said before, maybe in a different way, it's not usually the affair that ends the marriage, it's the LBS's ability to control the anger long enough to move forward that does. The blame for the rift belongs squarely on the WAS but the blame for it's enlargment often falls on us, the cheated on. Getting past that was the hardest thing I ever had to do but so entirely necessary for my own personal growth.

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Bad habits to break

1. You cannot leave the S alone
2. You constantly want to connect with S
3. You constantly get depressed, cry, do silly things
4. Focus always on the S, or OP
5. You snoop
6. You don't try to help yourselves with Michele's tools
like DB or DR
7. You all say that you know what to do or not do, but
continue along the same paths
8. Hello! - The WAS gave us the signals way before they
went to the OP - we ignored it
9. You (us) want instant results of change in the sitches
10. Unless WE CHANGE - there will be no change

Consider an obese person, not withstanding any medical
problems, it took a long time for them to become obese.
Well, think about it, it's going to take a long time to
correct the issues. Not over night, not next weekend, etc.
It's a process over time...
The OP is not the issue, we all know that, it is or was us.
We did not concern ourselves with our S's. Day to day life
erroded our R; children, work, finances, illness, etc. all
or some help create this problem.
Now, it's time to work on you (us) and get back to being
the people we were when we first got married. That caring
independent, loving, fun, considerate person we are.
It amazes me how many people post how the OM/OW is to
blame and the profanity used in regards to them. Guess
what? Your S's married you, what makes you think that the
OP is not like you as well? Come on people, we caused the
discontent in the marriages, with the help of our S's,
that made the OP more viable to be around. Now, we need
to go back to being that person.

Does it hurt? You bet. Will I feel any better? Probably
not for a while. But, if you change yourself, the S will
notice, just as Michele said. If they don't, then wish
them well and move on.

Too many of you are dancing so fast around your S you are
getting dizzy. Stop it. Little by little, the S will
notice changes, that are consistent within you. They
will notice more and more...but there is no other way to
do this. Nothing else works. They have to come back b/c
they choose to, not b/c of threats, begging, pleading,
crying or anyother reason.

This is just my 2 cents, guys. Sorry I ranted on and on,
but it is so sad to see some people not trying. Some try
but backslide, that will happen, as long as you correct
it the next time and learn from it.

For you men, don't let your W see you cry, beg, plead, etc.
It only shows you to be weak and less of a man. It only
makes the OM more powerful; we know you're upset. Bear
this out..it can change. No woman wants a wuss for a
husband. Show that you are confident, strong and that
this doesn't even bother you (although it does). Act as
if, she stays or she goes, you'll still survive.

All of us survived long before we met our S's. All of us
were completely whole before we got married...if it should
not work out, and you really tried hard, as in doing it
Michele's way...then you are still a whole person - life
will go on...

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The thing that stands out for me in what you've said is the inability of the LBS to STOP the emotional upheaval. It's kind of like a sewer backup! We end up spewing all that yukky guk right back into our R, what remains of it. You are right, the S does not want to see pleading, crying, etc. They do not come back because they feel sorry for us and if they do it can only be with huge resentment. Our S's know we love them...so that's that. We know how they feel about the R...and that's that. GH once wrote that we have to realize that our R is dead, it was diseased and died...it's gone. We can either choose to build a new one or move on. Building a new one starts by showing our S's the stuff that they will want to come back to, and not just for them, for us. This tragic episode in my life has introduced me to more amazing things about myself than I ever imagined before this. If I fail in my attempts to revive my M, I will be a far better man than I was before (and I wasn't too damn bad before, just complacent). If we can all just get a handle on the anger and hurt, feel them and move on, our DBing will begin to work its magic. Only then does it stand a chance. My W did what she did because she was not happy and felt she could not be with me. Right or wrong, what is is! I have to live with what is and not cry over what was.

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What I am saying, is to protect what you have...nurture
it to the best of your ability. We marry, then assume
it's forever...let our guard down...become "just friends"
and wonder what happened? In marriage, there are three
componets:

1. You
2. Spouse
3. The couple

You both entered into the M as two people, then became one,
then, the dynamics of friends changed, some left, new ones
came, or you both excluded most of them. Each S should
retain a separate life with their own interests, etc.
Then, there's the couple thing.

Love is not a posession, it's not controlling. No where,
does it say your S s/b exactly like you, or agree with
everything you say or do...they are as individualistic as
you - the common part is the love and respect.

If one S wants to go somewhere and you don't, you have
two choices; go out of respect for S interest, or don't
go and happily wish them a good time...

Life was never that hard...we let go...we ignore each
other...now we are paying for it in return...........

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I have a couple of thoughts from "The Five Things We Cannot Change..."
1-"Some people draw pain and crisis to themselves; some have it thrust upon them and make themselves feel more pain by how they react to it. We all have to face pain, and when we experience it mindfully, we simply feel it as it is. When we add the ego layers, the mindsets of fear, blame, shame, attachment to an outcome, complaint, or obsession, we make things worse"
I think most of us can relate to that one!
2-"Our purpose in life is not to remain upright at all times but to collapse with grace when that is what has to happen. The fact of impermanence gives us the hope that we will rise again"
There will always be a tomorrow!
And finally my favourite tonite,
3-"If everything collapses, I will deal with it by staying with the pieces and then picking up the pieces."