Engagement

[SolidMechanic]

It is posted here like it is such a foregone conclusion that the wife will get custody and be able to limit access to kids down to every other weekend.

Now maybe it is much different from state to state but am I the rarity to have recieved 50% legal and 50% physical custody of my two minor children? Now 16 and 10.

I think it would be a very good idea to go and pay for an initial consultation with an attorney just so you have a better sense then by going on just your gut.

JL

If you don't mind answering a couple of nosy questions,

Did your wife work outside the home? Did you (or your respective lawyers) negotiate this arrangement? Did you use any kind of mediation? Did you have to go to court?

Thanks,

SM

[SolidMechanic]

By "non-tabloid" I meant divorces between ordinary people such as those we work with, go to school with, etc., whose lives are not likely to be read about in the supermarket checkout line.

Hairdog, you seem to have a knack for picking mean, vindictive women. I can very much see your W acting this way, should she become an "ex." I can't even begin to understand how a parent can justify this to themselves, short of protecting children from an abusive parent.

Surely, this desire to hurt the other parent by hurting the children is not typical of divorce? I know it happens... but geez...

I was reading a book called "The Good Divorce", and got the impression that a pretty sizable minority of divorces (~30%?, I'll have to look that one up) end up being high conflict struggles. I think one of the partners develops such a deep feeling of betrayal that hurting the other partner as much as possible seems like the best way of dealing with their own feelings. I'm guessing that some people have cast the other person as being so evil that letting them have the children for any length of time would be a concession to evil.

And I don't think anything like that would happen between me and my wife. Although I could be wrong.

I'm tired of divorce talk. It's depressing and it fuels hopelessness.

SM

[justlivn]

I don't mind at all, that is why I threw it out there...

Yes, my xW worked as a nurse.

She made a little noise at first as far as keeping the kids, but that quickly retreated to the amicable position we ended up with.

I wanted to mediate, but the ex would have nothing to do with that. SHe ended up spending much more money and came out the same.

No, the agreement was drawn up and there were only minor things that I did not agree with, so I just accepted it as it was.

JL

[Burgbud]

SM, you said you don't want to talk about divorce any more so I'll throw in my experience with custody and you can skip right over it if you wish.

In my state (Virginia), it's very typical for both parents to get 50% legal custody. Legal custody basically means who gets to make decisions for the kids. My attorney explained to me that one parent is granted 100% legal custody only if the other can be proven to be an unfit parent. Note that for all practical purposes, 51% legal custody is the same as 100%.

My W and I split physical custody 50/50 for more than a year, then circumstances changed and I got them every other weekend (by mutual agreement). Things have changed again and now I have them the majority of weekends.

Any mutually satisfactory arrangement the parents can come to will usually be accepted by the court. It's tough to split physical custody 50/50 with school age kids unless both parents live in the same school district.

[sat567]

I fought my ex on this and ended up with roughly a 60/40 physical custody arrangement, and shared legal custody. When I was shopping for post-divorce housing, I only looked at homes/apartments in the same school district - actually, I limited it to homes within the boundaries of the same grade school. I ended up buying a home across the street from my kids' elementary school.

She tried to pull that "every other weekend" crap on me and I shut her down. I made it my priority to get as close to equal time as I could. Of course, one of the driving forces behind that priority was my belief that she was mentally unfit to be a full-time parent, but, because it was something I knew I couldn't prove with sufficient evidence to the court, I settled for the 60/40 split.

Hairdog

[RealJourney]

Hey Hairdog, That was some primary in Missouri.

[sat567]

Yup. Both races were pretty close. I went to bed at 10, so didn't get to follow the drama. Also, across the state line in Kansas, the voter turnout was very impressive for a primary.

(Just ignore us colonists, fran).

Hairdog