Going Forward: Thanks for the reply. A few answers for you. Yes I am still around for the visits. I tried to go out when he came around and I felt like I was missing an opportunity to see him as it really is my only contact with him (hmmm i guess that is not going dark but I found that when I went out I got really upset that I had missed the opportunity to see him!). Visits seemed to get better with him becoming friendlier and then suddenly cold even more than ever before.
Going dark is hard when u have virtually no contact anyway.Suppose only way would be to leave when he visits d, when I go to another room he usually ends up following me there cos d looks for me.
As for GAL - I moved out of my parents place into an apartment on my own (first time in my life on my own - moved in with h only after we were married, otherwise always lived with parents). Got a job. Started horse riding. Hooked up with old friends. Started a relatively small home business (not too active yet but it will get there!!!). Got a piercing that I always wanted). Went to a rock concert. Attempted a date to see what it was like, did not enjoy it and told guy i was still wanting my h so i was not interested in anything else but friendship. Started enjoying my own company and realized that I am worth it and I am a good package. (If you don't mind me asking did you go on any dates? Was your h as cold as mine?)
Karen thanks for the support. I do think he is going through MLC as he is doing everything we used to do when we were younger. He is also in honeymoon stage. I regret that I did not confront ow in the beginning, now it is too late.
I agree if he does not wake up sooner, rather than later it will be too late. I don't want to file as i dont want to hand him over on a silver platter but it is getting hard and sometimes I just want to get off this train!
He is not bonding with his d and the first 3 years are vital, after that it is difficult. She is great and he is missing out on her development. He is missing out on something wonderful. I just want to shake him and say wake up, what have you done with my h, come home this game is over..... I am going to confront him on his next visit and ask him what his up to cos his behaviour is screaming that he is up to something (call it woman's intuition).
Hard month, my birthday and our 6th year anniversary (would have been 17years together!)
Just read your sitch. You have done incredibly well considering your circumstances. You had wondered in an earlier post, would a man want to date someone with a little one like you. I can tell you that I started dating WW when her son was six months old. He is now 14. I fell in love with them both. There are good men out there, as well as good women that are capable of giving unconditional love. They are all over this board.
WW found hers. I thought I had found mine.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I've read up on your sitch and I can understand where you are and what you are thinking. The lonliness is terrible, but I don't recommend dating right now. It will only lead to troubles for you both as you will need a lot of time to move past your current sitch and wouldn't want to drag baggage into a new relationship. It sucks to be alone, but you should wait.
However, that doesn't mean you have to not interact w/ people. Going out is a good thing for you. Just don't go out to find "Mr. Right" b/c he won't be there.
Now, on to your other question of a man wanting to date a woman w/ a baby. I know where these feelings are from b/c I too have struggled w/ the idea that I'd have some sort of a scarlet letter on me showing women out there that I'm defective or something b/c I have a W who wants to divorce me. It isn't true, but it feels real. You'll be fine in the end. When it is the right time to date, you'll be fine. Also, the lonliness does get easier w/ time and w/ activity. The busier you stay, the better it is. If your activities can include other people, it makes the time go that much faster.
About your H and his OW, I would suggest that you mention her as little as possible. He knows you know about her, so the only thing you can accomplish by bringing her up is more pressure on him to stay away. Instead, you need to allow him to do what he's doing w/out comment and let him make his own choices. The reason we DB is to make ourselves better and to understand that we will be ok on our own if that is what happens. This is a very difficult concept and I struggled to get it myself.
However, time again is your friend here as things do get easier in time. I'm now in my 3rd month since being served and it is easier and easier to try and detach from my W's day-to-day life. I realized there isn't anything I can do to stop her actions, so if I worry and obsess about them, all it does is expend my energy. It has taken me what seems like FOREVER to begin to get this, but it has only been 3 months. Thus, the clock moves slowly, but a little time will make a big difference.
I was able to get the reason to DB mainly b/c of the wonderful people here on this site. They encourage me when needed and kick my a$$ when that is called for as well. This is a terrific community of caring and concern and I'm sure you'll continue to find excellent advice that will help you as it has helped me.
Finally, remember we are DBing to make lasting, positive changes in ourselves. We can make these changes and present them for our partners to see, but that is really as far as we can go. Once we reach that point, it is up to our partners to turn and look our way. We can't force them to look at us, so there is no guarantee they will come back. The only thing DBing can guarantee is we'll be better people, partners, and parents in the future.
Hopeful4her - Thanks for the post. It is hard to believe there is someone else out there for you when you have been with your spouse for 16 years (from age 15!).I don't actually know any guys other than my girlfriends h's. So weird, the rest were h's friends. Gives me faith to know that if h does not come back there are good guys out there. (Just hope one finds me!)Sorry you going through what you going through.
RefuseToLose- Thank you for some amazing advice. It amazes me that such kind, caring people are the left behind spouses and that our WA's can't see this. Please keep posting as your thoughts are clear, concise and incredibly helpful.
Update: It felt like my h was up to something on his last visit. Still feels like he is not telling the truth. When it came to his sunday visit I received a call from him at 7:30am to say he would not be coming as he was sick....he did not sound sick! His visits are becoming shorter and he seems to be more distant than ever. I am not sure how to read him anymore. I feel like the end is approacihing rapidly. He is so disengaged. I feel like I am losing him for good. Any advice cos I am all out of ideas...nothing seems to be working.
At the same time I just want to scream at him...WHY DID U DO SUCH A STUPID THING ?! I would love for him to just be honest and tell me when the A started and we could clear up the truth from the lies. Silly man did not give his family a chance!!!! 8 months after having a baby he walks out our door and straight into a new place with a girl from work. I am starting to believe the bs about them being soulmates and we were a mistake and that she is the better w for him. Wish I did not love him and wish I would have seen it coming!
Rant and Rave..............if i dont do it here i will do it to him. Hmmmm maybe that sould be the 180 or maybe that would finally push him for the d. Amazing how I had a perfect life 7 months ago and know I am a made for tv movie - Well if this has to be the case I want a happy ending - a family and more kids!
I would like to thank everyone for their support but I am done. I have had enough and can take no more. I love my husband to bits and never in a million years imagined this - we were suppossed to grow old together and be happy doing it. He is now cold towards me and treats me like I never meant a thing. He virtually never sees his d and shows no real interest in her. He called today for some information he needed and did not even ask how she was. Financially things are a mess and he says he cannot help.I love him to bits but he has gone and I really don't think he is ever coming back. I think the last straw for me would be D papers arriving so I have decided to get them done and I will file. I know this is what h wants so he will not have to do it himself. Typical, cowards way out. Well he has won. Today he told me that he has not done the D cos he does not have the time or money. I am worth more than this. I know it will be a hard road but I have faith that there is someone else out there that will respect me and my d and will love us unconditionally.
Again thank you all, I would not have made it this far without all your support. I wish you all the best of luck and may your situations work out well, however they may end.
Please keep us posted, ss2. You do deserve better than what you are getting. He is taking the cowards way out. Someone will find you and your D and be able to give you the unconditional love we all want. Anything can happen. He may or may not come back to you. I can tell that you have a determination and you will do well. I am not trying to imply that you should or shouldn't file. That is your decision. You are the only one living your life.
Either way, good luck and bless you.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I'm so sorry to hear of your H's distance and uncaring toward you and your D. You asked what you can do and there are many answers, but none of them will cause your H to change his mind. He is the only one who can do that.
However, if you are done, I would recommend you continue to work on the techniques outlined in the DR/DB books. The reason I'll say this is DBing is for us, not for the ones who have chosen to leave. We are DBing to allow ourselves to become healthy and to trust who we are and to see how we can survive on our own.
All of us would rather be somewhere other than here on this site, but it is this place that gives us safety, love, and encouragement. This is the place where I discovered that I'm not alone in my troubles and that the world is filled w/ people who just need a chance to make a difference. I would encourage to stay here w/ this community as I personally have learned so much and grown as a person and a father.
As for your earlier fears of being alone, don't worry. You will find a good man who will love both you and your D for who you are. I would caution you to be patient and to not rush into a relationship of any kind. You still have wounds that are very fresh and the pain we are all feeling is still running deep. If you move too quickly into a relationship, you will be dragging the remains of your H into your new life and those troubles will eventually catch up w/ you.
The key to being alone is being patient. I'm much more comfortable w/ myself than I was before, but I still have a way to go. If you work on GALing and doing things for you, you'll discover that it does get easier w/ time. Days do seem like months right now, but the sun will rise in the morning and so will you. Allow yourself to cry and be blue, but remember, it isn't about getting knocked down that is important. The important thing is finding the strength to get back up.
I feel for you, but I know if you trust yourself and are willing to let time work, you will be ok. Winston Churchill said "If you are going through Hell, keep going." He knew what he was talking about b/c the only way to get over the pain is to go right through the pain.
Unfortunately, we can't take any shortcuts. This is the hand we have been dealt and now it is up to us to make the most of our opportunities to become better husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, lovers, and friends.
We are hear for a reason and that reason is to grow and become better.
Rant and Rave..............if i dont do it here i will do it to him. Hmmmm maybe that sould be the 180 or maybe that would finally push him for the d. Amazing how I had a perfect life 7 months ago and know I am a made for tv movie - Well if this has to be the case I want a happy ending - a family and more kids!