I managed to forget my password and my email is not working so I had to register again. so this is still sideswiped.
thanks for advice lwb. Met with h and had a very strange coversation. We were talking about how to divide our stuff and started talking about our r, h said he felt left out and thar i did not care about him. I think he is trying to justify a. We spoke about sex and he said he is sad that he will never be with me again. He said we were good together! He said he missed me (but only when I questioned him about that). I said I could not handle seeing him with ow, he then said he would not be able to see me with om (there is no om). He then told me I must not get involved with anyone cos it is too early.I asked him when he is filing for divorce and would it appear when ow wants to get married. He replied baby steps...he still wears his ring when he sees me. Am I being played???? He has started to ask questions when he sees me, like where am I going or why did I paint my nails. Why does he suddenly care?
This is getting harder cos everyday it gets more real. d (14months) has started walking and she is cute! That helps me get through this. But I find myself longing for someone who is going to love and treasure me and might not even be my h??? All these mixed emotions.
Just took d to emergency room because she scratched her legs so badly they were raw. Before we went to hospital I phoned h and he came with. Later he says I gave him a certain look which I may have but I apologized to him straight away. This went into a downward spiral. When we got home he said he was leaving and was not coming up and I said fine and did give him a look. He asked what the look was for and I said that he would not even walk us to the door!
Then he went for it.....In hospital i kept on saying I not we. He says I should have said we and I replied but we are not a we and I was just retelling the event as it happened....he said you could lie you know...I made him feel useless, then he said and you fought with me earlier... then it came...this is what I am leaving! Ton of bricks thrown at me!!!
He kept on saying he had to go and making a fuss about work and I said if we were a family we would do this together.
Of course I replied you only see the negative. Then came 100 apologies to him and telling him how sorry i am that he feels that way. I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE! my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces over and over again. I did GAL but this holding on to somenthing that is not there is killing me. He goes home and gets into bed with his ow, he plays wife with her and he has no intentions of coming back. I love him to bits but he is being so horrible and he truely only sees me as bad. He sets me up for failure again and again. He makes it clear he is there for d only, and reminded me that she has his DNA. He truely hates me and I keep on going back for more!
My H is like that too, only seeing the negative and very critical of me. Everyone besides H says I'm a great person, etc. I think my H and your H act like that b/c they need to justify their affairs by viewing us as horrible people, so they deserve to have an affair. I think if they viewed us the way we really are, then they probably couldn't handle the guilt of what they are doing!!! Karen
My H is like that too, only seeing the negative and very critical of me. Everyone besides H says I'm a great person, etc. I think my H and your H act like that b/c they need to justify their affairs by viewing us as horrible people, so they deserve to have an affair. I think if they viewed us the way we really are, then they probably couldn't handle the guilt of what they are doing!!!
I wonder why he was so defensive about the "I's"...since you were just retelling the story of what happened prior to your D's scratches, and H wasn't there. Do NOT feed into the "this is why I am leaving", I hear that now and I completely ignore it. Its ridiculous!
Also, instead of the 100 sorries you gave him, you can say "I am sorry you feel that way." and leave it at that. Walk away (or just remain silent in the car until you reach your destination).
He is setting you up for failure, but you (and me!) allow it to happen. He doesn't hate you, he hates himself and that's too hard for him to look at. I am sorry you are so down, really I am. I have been there (go there every day lol), but you are allowing him to get to you. Don't!
Sideswiped, I haven't posted to you before (or to many people; I'm new), but your situation really touched me because of your little girl (I've got three children). For at least the first month after my husband left, he was rude to me almost every time we spoke. And he had been consistently rude to me since I found out about him having an affair. I guess he stopped (for the most part, although he still has his moments), because I summoned every ounce of willpower and grace in me and decided I was not going to argue back or act hurt or demand empty apologies. I simply kept telling him that he was welcome to keep losing his temper and acting ridiculous, but not in MY home. He was welcome to rant and rave about things that I could have done differently, but not in MY home. The other day I got home from work and he began talking to me in a raised voice (irritated that my drive home took too long), and I reminded him sweetly that he has lost the right (although as spouses we really don't have the right) to yell at me. And he backed down.
I agree with what others have said...spouses who cheat have to, on some level, villify their betrayed spouses. They need to make it make sense to them why they are behaving so atrociously. There have been times since my husband left that I have caught him looking at me like, Wow, you are really funny, or really cool, or whatever, and it's like he's seeing me after being apart for years. Affairs mess with their heads, and it's almost like they forget they are ruining the lives of real people who love and suffer and sacrifice. So when we spend time with our spouses and they see us for who we really are, not perfect people, but the people who have pledged to spend our lives with them and share their joy and their pain, then they often react in an ugly way.
I hope your daughter is alright, and I'm soooo sorry you are having to walk this path. It's a dark one and made worse by the fact that we don't know if there is a restored marriage at the end of it. I hope you will continue to read good books on this and enjoy your daughter immensely and take your thoughts captive by not dwelling on what your husband may be doing or thinking. Keep posting and sharing so we can keep up with you! Have a wonderful day!
Karen, lwb and Jasmine thank you for replying. It is good to know that I am not alone. h makes me doubt myself! He is right when I think back I did say I a lot but it was not intentional and it certainly wasn't to hurt him. After he made the comment about that is why he is leaving I did say no you leaving cos you sleeping with someone else. When I did that I left the room and did not carry on with that.
By the way the drive home - we both sat in silence, it wsa just when he dropped us that it got hairy.
When I db, and when I detach he says I am cold towards him. I know what he wants...he wants me to fade into the background and be happy and loving to him when He needs it. oh and I am never suppossed to have feelings. I am suppossed to be as REM says on of those shiny happy people!
Okay so it bothered me the whole day and I phoned h and told him I did say I a lot but it was not meant as a dig or to hurt him. I was thinking about something in dbing, Michelle said change something if it is not working, well ignoring h does not seem to be working infact he seems to be encouraging him that I am cold and heartless. Maybe I need to be nice, nice all the time??? What do u guys think?
This is tough...nice all the time, or beginning to detach from him/the situation. I wonder about this alot too. I think I often come off as cold if I am not pouring my heart out to my husband. I strive to be pleasant all the time... not ridiculously friendly or like I'm headlining a comedy club...but also not ignoring him unless he speaks to me and then answering him with calm one-liners. I think it's sort of a rhythm that you have to figure out for yourself. And it would certainly be easier to figure out if our spouses weren't acting so ridiculous alot of the time!!
Maybe people with more DBing experience will come along and give you more insight into this. Hope you have a good night!
