Thanks for advice hope4us I did go on the kind of date and actually came to some conclusions on my own. First of all you are right, I am in a vulnerable place right now and although it feels like it is all over and I am ready to move on, I don't think I really am. I feel like I know what h felt when ow was giving him all the attention. Problem is, is that I am still married even if there is a separation and an impending divorce I am still married!! But what if this person who is suddenly interested in me is the next best thing in my life???if i close the door it may be a big missed opportunity?! Anyway it felt awkward and I felt really gaurded.I still want h back and have never looked at another man since I met h so it would probably be easy to be taken advantage of. This guy is a good guy and maybe best thing right now would be to tell him I would like to remain friends with him but nothing more. He asked me if h came back would I take him and I did say yes.
I have decided that I will tell this other person that I am not interested in anything other than friendship as I still want my h to come home which means I am not ready to move on.
This is all so confusing. Today h called me by the petname he calls his ow! (obviously by mistake).
I am dbing but everyone around me is encouraging me to get on with my life, go out on dates etc. Starting to mess with my perspective especially when h is still giving me nothing and going on with his life as if I was an irritating little fly. When i go dark he enjoys it because i disappear!
I am dbing but everyone around me is encouraging me to get on with my life, go out on dates etc. Starting to mess with my perspective especially when h is still giving me nothing and going on with his life as if I was an irritating little fly. When i go dark he enjoys it because i disappear!
SS, All of your friends certainly have your best interest at heart, but I'm sure many of them have never gone through something like this. Only you can decide when you are ready to move on from your H. It's a very personal decision.
What I try to do is to stay busy with my friends and family and try not to discuss my H with them. If they ask I usually give them a vague answer like "Oh, things are about the same" then I try to change the subject. I come here to vent when I need to. This helps me not to rely so much on my friends who think I should move on, but also look at it this way, anything you say on here won't get back to your H. I have found that word sure travels. It is often added to by the time it gets to the WAS also!
I think it is also wise to tell your new male friend that you are only ready for friendship now. You are being honest with him and he can decide if that is enough for him now. Who knows, sometimes friends fall in love...
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Thanks for the reply yoyo. Sure been a confusing weekend. Just read about gottman on someones post so I went to check out the books...makes me so sad cos one of the books is about when baby makes 3. Why did the counsellors we went to discard this fact and say that was not the problem when clearly it was, h freaked out when d was born and bolted, and felt left out. Just depressing how 2 c's could stuff up when it came to talking about d being born and how things changed - we never spoke about this in c.
From what I have read men often do feel left out when children come along. We, as mothers, tend to center out lives around our children, I was certainly guilty of it. I guess we just assume that our H's will understand. I wish I had read lots of these books before my marriage unraveled. I know I was guilty of neglecting H, but he was also guilty of not telling me how he was feeling. I think many marriages fall into this trap unfortunatley. Men become busy with their jobs trying to provide for their families and women become so busy as the caretaker that both sides take their spouses for granted and communication ceases.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Wow this weekend was a real eye opener. I needed it to happen so I could see where I am in my mind. I don't know how I feel about my h anymore, weird to say that but it is almost as if my hope is almost completely gone. Realization of the affair of the fact that he is sleeping with someone else, and the fact that when he talks to me at night he is in bed with this ow is sinking in. It took me meeting someone and going on one date to realize how monumental this really is. I went on one squeeky clean date and it felt horribly wrong, how he could cheat I don't know! I get upset with some db'rs who have a walk away who wants to stay at home because mine never gave us a chance he walked out and chose the ow, he never looked back and keeps informing me that she is all he has ever wanted in life. he never cried for me and does not miss me. He did this all after we had our d and started his a when she was around 6 months old and walked when she was 8 months old. What a swine!!!!! I have so much that I want to tell him but won't cos it would be bad. How could he do it?, what a freakin coward.......Anyway I informed the guy that I went on a date with that I am not interested in anything other than friendship and he was cool with that, I feel the weight lifted off my shoulders.
Let me tell you a quick story in my sitch. After I exposed my WW and OM's affair to his wife we began talking, almost daily due to the fact that she and OM live 1000 miles apart (OM lives ~250 miles from us) so I knew more about what he was doing than she did. We were doing our best to know what was going on and bust them up.
Well I can tell you that there were a few times when I found myself beginning to desire her. She even commented once that she wished we were able to talk in person. I told her that would be dangerous. And I was right. She began to become dependent on me and if I had to guess it probably almost became an EA for her. Once I realized that it might be starting to be an EA (the flirting TM's started between us) I had to put a stop to it. I felt myself starting to think less of saving my marriage (what I really want) and more of what it would be like to be with her (because I was lonely).
We still trade emails a couple of times a week but I've realized that she really isn't someone I'd be interested in if I was single and out dating. It was nothing more than the circumstances that made her attractive to me. Someone that would listen to me and knew what I was feeling. That was a real eye opener to me. I realized that minute how WW got in the position she's in. Now I never crossed the line, but I don't know if that makes me better than WW or not. If OMW would have been in my area, I can almost guarantee something would have happened that would not have been right.
Don't date anyone while you're still married. It's not giving your marriage a fair shake and you won't be able to make a rational judgement concerning the person you're going out with because you're lonely and vulnerable.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
hey side, sorry about your weekend being an eye opener. Sometimes those are good things though. When I accidentally found out H was 'seeing' someone else (after the original OW), I literally shut down, but not in a bad way. It hurt, yes, but it helped me. I actually thanked H for sending me a text that was supposed to go to her (innocent enough, but still), because it helped me move on. I am not ready for divorce, but I am ready to leave the confusion and craziness to H.
No more dates!!! You aren't ready. Flirting? Yes. Dates? No.
I think you need to stop talking to H altogether for a bit. Go dark, don't answer calls when you know he is with OW. No way would I even call H if I thought he was somewhere other than work. No way! And definately no more R talk!! Yes, he states its over. But that's today. Keep yourself afloat and happy and see what tomorrow brings.
