First, this is where I started out many moons ago. I'm not over here much anymore. I do remember, acutely, the pain associated with infidelity. If it gives anyone hope, you will eventually feel better. I don't think it ever goes away, but it will get better. Hang in there.
Don't know if any of you are here from the old days. Just letting everyone know that we have started and Oldtimers thread over in Surviving.
Everyone is welcome.
Hugs,
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
I'll definitely drop by your new thread, and thanks for the pointer.
However any tips here for those of us still locked in the fury of the battle? It seems the key to all this is TIME, and boy can those grains of time trickle slowly as your life is being put through the blender on a regular basis.
Well, looking back, the best tip I can give you is to be calm and non-confrontational with your spouse. Use the DB principals to validate what your spouse is feeling. I can say that the DB principals are great to follow whether you are trying to save your marriage or not. Most of us end up having to deal with our spouses for a long time. Either because of children, businesses or the nastiness of lengthy divorces. Keeping your cool will only give you the upper hand in these situations.
My goal coming here was to save my sanity. I was not very good at the Dbing thing. I was very outraged at my EX's behavior. I can remember asking him if he had no shame at all. Truth is, he had no shame. He didn't really think he did anything wrong. But, I think my EX is a little bit of the exception to the rule. He was a chronic philanderer and liar. Unfortunately, I didn't catch on to that until year 18 of a 21 year marriage. I think a lot of people who are in Infidelity are dealing with a spouse who goes off the deep-end and hooks up with someone else for a variety of reasons, MLC being one of the most common.
It seems to me that you really have to be able to give the spouse "permission" to go. They are going to anyway. You can't do anything to stop it. The only thing you really have control of is you, and how you react to what is happening in your life. And yes, I know how maddening that can be. I have walked in your shoes.
You have to let them go. Detach. Work on yourself. I know you've heard that here a thousand times, but it really does work. And if you hang in there, you will become a much better person through the process. You may not save your marriage, but you will empower yourself and be able to handle whatever gets thrown at you.
I wish you well. Hang in there.
Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
