Needing advice

[Jay_Lost]

Hello..newcomer here that is just dealing with a really tough time. Even writing this post is very difficult.

About 1 month ago, my wife and I had an argument about the excessive spending she was doing and the argument turned very ugly. She mentioned that she wasnt ready when my daughter was born (now 2yrs old) and wasnt ready to marry me and that she was going to take my daughter and they will leave me. I was shocked and confused as I thought everything was great between us. Though I knew that we had many bad arguments in the past, I just never knew she was feeling this way.
From then on, things got tougher, For 3 weeks I kept trying and telling her that I love her and to ask her to stay and wanted to know more of what she was mad at me for and that I wanted to try and understand her more. She said she would stay but she didnt want to. She kept saying she needed space and that she wanted to live her life on her own. This went on for 3 weeks straight, with me trying to find out how I can help my wife and show her I love her.
There were some signs but my love and trust for her was too great to see them such as her coming home late from work ALOT, like every night. She never used to do this prior to a few months ago. She would always be on the computer and not talk to me much. Hiding her cell phone..etc.
I thought maybe she was talking to one of her friends about the problems she was feeling as she sometimes does.
Ive been coming home earlier and earlier from work to take care of our daughter since she wasnt home much to see her after work.
One night it was getting too late so I looked out the window to see if her taxi would come and she would come out. I then saw a car park at the end of the block from our home and it just stayed there. I didnt think anything of it. but when the car drove past our house I knew the car belonged to her ex-coworker. I then saw her walk from the direction from where the car was parked. Then my world started to come down on me. I confronted. She told me that she came home in a taxi. I told her that I saw his car. I asked her how long.. she said two months. After crying and asking why why why. She kept just saying sorry but with no remorse. I asked her to work with me on our marriage and that this was not the answer and she said she cant stop seeing him that she loved him. I tried to understand her and tell her I love her.
Since then she kept planning for a new apartment. This week she found one and signed the yr lease on the apartment. She is still seeing this OM. He is also married to his pregnant wife and from what she told me, she is waiting for him to leave his wife and that he doesnt want to tell his wife right now since he doesnt want her to be stressed and loose the baby. I have not a clue what to do. I've made the most common mistakes of begging, pleading and crying to her. Yes, i know now it doesnt work. I am now just nice to her and offer her my support. I stopped telling her much of how much I love her but its so hard. She is leaving in two weeks. I am afraid and just have no one to turn two.

Two weeks ago, I started taking her out to places I knew she always wanted to go with me. I saw that she was having fun and enjoyed it but each time I saw that she felt very happy, I see her also push her happy feelings back and say "you know I love OM right?"

She still is nice to me but that I feel is only because she feels bad for me but keeps saying im just a friend and a good provider and nothing more.

I am lost and unsure of anything these days. days are mostly hard but I still manage a smile a few times a day. I am unsure of what to do. I ordered the book but have not recieved it yet. I feel as if time is fleeting and just am looking for any help.

[Jay_Lost]

Though Ive though of it, I havent and probably will not risk myself by confronting OM for fear I may be too angry and end up in jail risking not being there for my daughter. We talked when I first found out and we agreed that I will keep our daughter. She is SET on separating to "find herself" to do things on her own as she has never got a chance to live on her own when she was young. I love her with all my heart. I love my daughter soo much. This has been a huge wakeup call for me but even with the changes, hope is bleak. Though I still try to hang on for my daughter's sake. I made a vow that I will love her and take care of her and be there for her thru good and bad times. I dont want to give up on my wife as I love her dearly. I dont want to give up on my family but this is tryly hard on me. I am changing and am willing to do anything. Just have no direction.

[Michael Mc C]

First of all, as you already stated, the begging and pleading will do nothing for you and will only drive her away. Granted she has already decided to leave but if there is hope for your marriage, SHE has to find attraction in you again. Being needy will never accomplish this.

Sorry to see you here but please make sure you read the stories of others. Dazed & Confused has just gotten a lot of great advice that can help you as well.

Being nice to your wife right now may not be the answer either. It's natural and it's something I still struggle with. You don't want to appear as if you are seeking approval.

You need to work on yourself to make you a better person. This is the story of DB'ing. In the end you hope to save your marriage but it is the journey that makes the difference. You need to engage your life again. Become the person you were or always wanted to be. Rediscover what excites you in life and get out and do it.

Your daughter needs you to be the stable parent now. You sound like you have come to these conclusions on your own already so accept this as validation of what you've learned in a very short time.

Nothing you SAY will change your wife's mind. The fact that the OM is cheating on his pregnant wife is a good indication of where his morales are and maybe one day your wife will see that. If/when she does and has the ability to once again see YOU, what do you want her to see? The same husband that she is running from or someone who excites her, attracts her and makes his own happiness?

Continue posting and continue reading other posts. Sad to say you are not alone. Everyone here has a different story to tell but the answer is always the same: work on you and detach from your wife's antics. In the end you will be happy with you and that is what matters.

[Michael Mc C]

Though Ive though of it, I havent and probably will not risk myself by confronting OM for fear I may be too angry and end up in jail risking not being there for my daughter.

My wife's brother has been very vocal to her regarding what she was planning. She was planning on bringing the OM out with her brother and his girlfriend and his response was similar to "someone will get hurt".

I know the OM's address. It's 400 miles away. My BIL is more than happy to accompany me so we can have a talk with him. It's just not worth it. I cannot destroy my life, my career and the lives of my children because my W has decided to carry on the way she has. By stepping in and trying something drastic I would be throwing myself into her mess and creating my own.

I have spoken to OM but in no way been threatening. You need to realize that confronting him may not produce the desired results and any interference could drive them closer together and your wife farther away from you.

[Jay_Lost]

Thank you so much. At times I feel the way you describe, to take care of myself. Also at most times I feel, why am I still helping her? Why am I helping her move? Why am I being so understanding? For reasons I dont know.

I know he still texts her and calls her and IMs her daily. Today is friday. The day I know (though she doesnt say it) is the day they always meet after work. This day is so hard on me. I told her of my plans to day ..that I was going to the friday night prayer meeting and asked if she would like to join us. She said, "can I think about it?" Her father is the pastor and her family already know what is going on. I doubt she will go tonight. But I plan on still going with my daughter even when I know shes with him tonight. This is truly hurting me so much.
For christmas I gave her a letter that I asked her not to read till next christmas or next yr or so for fear that if she reads it now, it may seem like another pressure to her.

[Jay_Lost]

Well..havent posted update due to just being pretty down lately. That friday night, i didnt get to go to the prayer meeting since I took D out that night for some dad and daughter night out. Had alot of fun with her but the whole time felt half of us was missing and felt a bit empty. Still, tho managed to have fun and show D a good time. She loved it. Called her and she called back and said she was walking around the neighborhood of her new apartment. I said, ok and have fun and take care of herself. Then going back home I called to see where she was and she was in a restaurant near her new apt and I wondered if she was alone or with OM. I asked if she needed a ride and she said yes and I picked her up. Didnt see OM there but dunno. In any case, was nice to her that night and no big arguments.

Since then, things have been up and down. I started to leave her alone and didnt bug her at night with a "talk" and even as I knew she was chatting with OM online, I just went to my D's room to put my D to sleep and stayed there. Then one saturday, when I asked her if she would like to watch a TV with me, she didnt want to and said "I broke up with him so you dont have to worry about that OK" I was both happy and sad at the same time. I wasnt sure what the real reason was. Was it to lie to me to keep me from asking about it or was it real,or a way for her to get out of our M and avoid our inlaws and church and friends from thinking that it was the A that is causing the problem or is it what she says " she wanted to live/experience a life on her own". In some ways, I think its a mix of all of the above.

In any case, I left and gave her space. Been giving her space since then, though sometimes did backslide. Today, things are much the same. She is still moving out. Already has the apt. She still says its over with OM but I have very strong feelings and indications that its not, he keeps texting her and leaving vmails. Also OM also told his wife and I dont know what happend after that.

All I know is that this gives me a dying feeling every day. I know she sees it but chooses to ignore it. Ive been trying to take care of my D as much as I can. She loves our D too, I can see but its hard for me to see her loving our D so much but still do what shes doing.

Ived talked to the friends and fam that do know of the situation and they are also heartbroken but are being nice to W. When we see friends and fam, she acts as if everything is perfectly normal and that she is very happy. Tho when alone with me she tells me she dreads seeing them. She no longer talks about God. She no longer prays , I initiate praying time during dinner and before going to sleep as much as I can. I am not sure if she is praying with me.

What hurts the most is for my D. I am trying so hard but I feel like I am failing her every day. I know my W is not this person she is now. I know this because Im the one that spent the most time with her other than her family. I know she is a kind person that helps others and thinks of others feelings doesnt hurt people. But she is so different now. She seems as if she is dying to be away from both me and everyone to she thinks sees her as doing the wrong thing at this point of her life. She is exited about her new apt. She is excited about buying stuff for her new place and I am not sure on what is going on with OM.

I am trying to stay well for my D. I pray for my W every day.

[Ohio_Mark]

First, let me say that you are doing a lot of things very well, such as avoiding relationship talk, supporting your daughter, giving space, etc. All of these are great.

Here is what you need to do less of: Pursuing. No more letters. No more invitations to join you at the prayer group. Give her even more space.

Now, what's next? It's time for the next step. It's time to work on Jay. It's time for you to step-up and improve yourself. What kinds of activities are you involved in? Groups? Classes? Clubs? You mentioned a prayer group. Great, keep that one going. But add some more stuff. Make changes that wife and others notice. Noting large and drastic. Just.... improve.

And you are not failing your daughter. You are, and need to continue to be, the moral compass of the family. Be the beacon of all that is good about a family.

You are doing well. This DBing stuff is very difficult. Keep posting here. We are here to help you.