I just want to make it better. . .

[seekpeaceofmind]

I know it sounds from what I wrote above that I did all the talking, but that's not the case. Although, I did talk more, because he doesn't say much. I think he was also a little stuck, because he didn't seem to expect my objections to his decision. It was interesting that he didn't use the D word - just "separation". I don't think that means anything other than another sign of conflict avoidance.

I hope I didn't push him further away - but I thought it was important to show him another way out. I told him that this doesn't have to be an "all or nothing deal" - that we can have M and have dif lives. Maybe I should have done the "set him free" route. I am really stressed with second-guessing myself all the time. At least this way, I got to say some of the things on my mind and he knows where I stand. I played no games and I don't think he did either.

[Evie]

Seek,

Don't beat yourself up about it. You said what you felt had to be said. He may back off for a while while he digests what you have said. He may come back at you in a week, a month or a few months and repeat some of what you said but making it sound like it was his idea. I know my H listens more than I thought he was doing and has asked for clarity some time later. You offered another option.

On the plus side, he asked to see you, and he never mentioned the D word - he may not have mentioned it at all.

Maybe he hasn't had enough time alone yet to think about what he really wants?

I know it's so hard, I feel exactly as you do. I have good days then very low days. I like what you said about the Meds and excercise LOL, it made me think that i need to get to the gym more - maybe we can become online gym buddies....

((((SPOM)))))

X Dis

[seekpeaceofmind]

Thanks for the encouragement - I know this is going to be a real hard week. I felt ok after he left - talked with BF, came on here to get my thoughts down. And, then 30 min ago bam! - major negative thoughts: My H just wants to be a single guy and that is more imp to him than our lives together, M vows, etc. I know it's not that simple and snapped out of it after some hard crying. Should have taken a walk this p.m. like BF suggested, but it's dark now.

I know my H listens more than I thought he was doing and has asked for clarity some time later.

In these really stressful convos, I have a hard time remembering what I said, what he said, what I thought but didn't say, what I wished I'd said. . . . That's one reason I wanted to write some of it down, b/c there was so much said and this is the rest of our lives we're talking about. I told it to BF, so if it's imp, she'll remind me.

Two good things - he said that he does miss me and that he cares about me and loves me "in his fashion".

[Evie]

The difference is our medium is through texting, so I have it in writing already. I was afraid I would delete it all by mistake so I wrote it down. It took 2 hours and 4 A4 sheets of paper.

The trouble is, I then over analyse everything as well!! I have being adviced to take things at face value and not read too much into anything H says. Believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do. Is your H speaking louder in Actions? Do you have eye contact?, will he let you touch him without pulling away? Can you do the hand on the shoulder occasionally?. I gave H a hug when I went away, he hugged me but it felt empty, but he let me hug him.

My H also said he loves me in his own way, that has to be enough for now, the positives are they are not filing for divorce, so we have time on our sides. I'm slowing coming to the conclusion that this will all take a long time. We have to be Patient.....

Do you write a journal? I have started too and it helps. I print off little bits of advice that I like and staple it into my diary, it helps to re-read the positive stuff when your in bed at night. There is one piece I like in the nuggets of wisdom section, i'll try and find it for you.

Keep being positive. Your doing really well.

X Dis

[Evie]

Sorry Seek - Can't get the hang of linking the threads.

But found it - you may have already seen it, but it inspires me every time I read it.

Go to the forum list
Advice from wise D'Bers
More Great advice - by Virginia

[seekpeaceofmind]

Today I feel much like I did in the beginning - now the drama of the convo yesterday has died down, I'm realizing that my H simply doesn't want to be with me. It hurts so much. Altho I've kept it under control, the pain hasn't really subsided much from the events of the summer and him moving out - yesterday just added a fresh layer.

I doubt anything I said affected him - I just didn't make it easy for him, so he had to go away and regroup. He wants to be Mr Nice Guy. It's pretty hard to figure out how to pull that off while dumping your W of 12 years who won't play along. He always starts these convos by saying he doesn't want to say anything that is going to hurt me. Yesterday, I said "We're way past that."

One thing he said during our talk was that he goes between two extremes in his thinking - sometimes he thinks this is the stupidest thing he could do and sometimes he thinks this is just what he had to do now. Obviously, "gotta be on my own" is his predominate thought. He went on to talk about people getting back together after D - we know one couple that did, but he said "Lot's of people do". I am pretty sure that D will be the end for me, but I didn't comment. Time for that later.

Dis - thanks for checking in and giving me your support. I really appreciate it. I've never been so needy in my whole life and it's a change for me to share so much of my inner thoughts and to reach out for the support of others. Yesterday, my horoscope said:
"Have the patience to continue even when you don't see results - it's attitude that wins out in the end. Friends help you keep the faith. . ."
I don't follow my horoscope as a rule, but I cut that out because it was so timely - and then look how it mirrors what you wrote!

[seekpeaceofmind]

The last 24 hours have been pretty down. Maybe today will be better. I don't have any hope that H will recommit. When the bad thoughts pop in, I am trying to say "resolve to be ok". I don't know what being ok will look like, but I can at least promise myself that I will take charge of my happiness. My big problem is giving up the dream of a life-long partnership - a real marriage. I really thought that I would have one marriage, period. Now, I have get used to the idea of not just the pain/rejection of D, but also living a completely different life than I had envision. I don't have a new vision to replace it.

[Kalni]

Hi Seek,
I've been reading your posts and I just wanted you to know that although I am fairly new here, your situation to me does not sound hopeless.

I would suggest to keep your chin up, we all go through really weak moments when we feel desperate. Do not give up on your dream just yet. Give the whole situation some more time.

Take care
Kalni

[Evie]

Seek,

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
giving up the dream of a life-long partnership - a real marriage.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

We're on the same page again.

Don't forgot that they will pull back when they feel they've got too close and you did have a pleasant time the other day, albeit you spoke about the R. Can you not iniiate some time together again, in small doses where you don't mention the m/r and make him feel more comfortable around you?

I think we're just both dropping some of the expectations, thats all. We still have hope.

X Dis

[not an ex yet]

Seek,
My H has said some of the exact same things you are hearing. I feel the same way as you about it being fixable...no major issues other than some annoying nagging on my part and frustrations that neither of us had addressed.

My H also brought up the getting back together after D. To me, if that is even on the forefront of their minds, then why D? It doesn't make sense, other than to give me (us) something to keep from letting go.

Anyway, the reason I mention the similarities, is b/c that sort of makes me feel better and gives me hope that this is all part of the process they have to go through. How can so many of them leave with the exact same thoughts and "scripts"?

I am having some of the exact same thoughts as you and could have written some of your posts myself. So all I can say is hang in there, it's not over. We just have to keep praying for patience to get through this.