Thanks for the shout out. I've been super busy the last few days. And sick too. Bed time has been eightish. But I'm better now. I'm going to see my kids this weekend. I'm so excited. I just want to hang out with them have fun and enjoy my time with them. I'm running out of time so I want to make it count.
As for the W, who knows. She's keeping her distance and so am I. I gotta work on me. I don't have time to chase her down. I'm not sure I want to anymore. I'll just continue to work on me and see if what I am becoming is something she is into. I feel I am, it's just she is scared. But like I said I don't have time to think about it or analyze it or chase after her. I'm all about my kids this weekend.
But if something does happen I'll fill you in. Thanks for checking up on me.
Well its been awhile since I posted so let me just fill everyone in on whats been happening. I had a great holiday with my kids. We had so much fun. I was very upset with W at first, because she took off to be with OM again. It was our daughter's science fair and she chose to be with OM. She helped our D with the project all week and it upset me that she didn't see it through to the end. But at that point, I was like I'm not going to let her ruin my fun. I adopted my D's attitude about we'll have more fun without her. And we did.
Well, Sunday rolls in, the kids and I decided to take family pictures and get dinner. W calls and asks what we're doing, I tell her and invite her. She shows up and has this guilty look on her face. Like she knows she's screwing up and she's missing out. We have a good dinner and go about our business.
Later that night W and I talk and I start to let her have it. But I couldn't do it (I guess DB kicked in). So instead of telling her all of things I was feeling it just came out as why weren't you there for her? She says because we knew you would be. I go don't you think both parents should be? Especially since you helped her? She goes one parent is good enough it always has been in the past. I go well I guess thats where we disagree.
Somehow the conversation turned into an R talk, and as we got into it and I let her know that I have been very consistent with my actions and behavior for the last six months and its not because of you. Its because of me. This is who I am now and its unfortunate that you continue to see as I was. Every time you slam the door in my face I still come back. I'm still standing.
She then proceeded to scream at me. Stuff like you expect me to leave my comfort zone take you back; drop my life and be with you just to watch you leave again. I said no. I don't expect anything. My hope is that you notice who I am. My hope is that you like what you see and want to get to know me. My hope is you want to build a new and better relationship with me. She said I can't do it and stormed off.
Later she came up and apologized for the first time in years. After that, things got strange for me. She acted like my wife for the last day of my visit. We were talking, joking laughing and being affectionate. We even took some photos together for the first time in years. It was great. We got real close at one time and she wanted to back off but she didn't I asked her whats wrong? Does this make you uncomfortable? She said no and thats the problem. But we continued to have a great day and a great moment together.
Well since I left, we have been talking a lot and she is considering making plans with me and the kids during my next visit. I'm hopeful but who knows. Maybe its because I'm leaving thats why she is so nice. But maybe not. Maybe our R is back on the rise and we can start piecing......together. Whatever the reason I am hopeful again.
Hey NT glad to hear from you! I was starting to worry....I hoped you wouldn't leave without giving me my goodbye kiss
I think its great that your W apologized for her reaction to you, but dude...that was a close one! It could have gone either way you know. But I do understand that sometimes you have to just get it out in the open so she knows exactly where you stand.
OK...now you've said it, keep trying to live it....the changes I mean. You've told her that you have changed and that you will keep standing. Now you have to live it...for real...for good...for you. She has to not only hear about them, but SEE them as well. Hang in there and I'm sure she will see that the changes are genuine and long lasting.
It's great that you and your W can have fun times with the kids. I envy you in that regard. H and I do not have children together so we can't share that. Enjoy those times as I'm sure you do and hopefully W will remember how great a family she really has.
As far as your next visit, keep it light man...remember keep expectations at a minimum. Not trying to rain on the parade...I just don't want to see you hurt that's all. I'm pulling for you dude...you sound good right now!!! (While I'm sitting here smiling like an idiot....just like a proud Mama!!!) Glad you're in a place in your life now where you seem sure of what you want and hopeful of the future! Good times a comin'...I'm sure!!!
I think my posts are going to be sporadic from now on. I realize this place is always going to be here for people in my situation if and when I need it. I am truly grateful for this place and the support it brings me. But it doesn't seem like I will have the time over the next 15 or so months.
I'm so busy now getting ready to go back to Iraq. It's always crazy. W has been extra nice to me lately. But I'm just trying to take it for what its worth. She is still carrying on with OM and still lying to me. So I just take her being nice at face value. Nothing more.
Last night W and I were talking and she commented on how since its just me she can say what she feels. So I ask her how is her comfort level with me since that wasn't the case for years according to her. She says its better depending on the subject. I didn't press and she told me that there are things that she can't tell me because she doesn't think I'll understand and there are some things that I'm not ready for. I said nothing. As much as I wanted to push. As much as I wanted to say I know more than you think. I said nothing. I'm not sure if that was smart. But I figure that if we ever start piecing then we can talk about what I know during C. Believe me, we will need lots of that if we ever decide to piece!
But maybe thats why she continues to lie. I haven't called her out on anything except on how I felt about her leaving the kids during important days. I want to just hang back and be a friend. Not be judgmental. But its hard because she hurts me so bad and I don't know if she realizes it. Maybe she does but who knows. I just keep acting "AS If" so she can feel comfortable around me. Timing is so bad right now. I feel I am starting to see positive signs and now I have to leave. Feel like thats the story of my R. As long as I've been in the Army its been this way. I should have gotten out years ago. Now I'll have to gut it out for four more years until retirement. Hopefully things will get better.
Anyways, Presidents day weekend will be my last with my kids until my deployment so I just need to focus on them and make my time count.
Well, I knew it would happen. No matter how hard I tried to just look at the positive things that have happened between us over the last couple of weeks. I knew she would lie to me about seeing OM and make up an excuse to not be with our D this weekend.
She told me she had a "conference" to go to and that she had to go. She started to go into detail but I cut her off. I didn't want to hear it. Its just lies anyways. Should I just call her out? I know what she is doing everyone knows what she is doing. She tells everyone we are over and that she has a new man in her life. Even my kids. But she continues to lie to me. She acts like she wants to work things out. Especially when we are together. Its so confusing!
I feel as if she is painting the pretty picture to everyone but when she talks to me she tries to keep it real with me and tell me everything except for her A. I act like a friend and listen well and she always calls a lot now. Also, I feel we are making steps in the right direction but she keeps seeing OM. I hate this ride!!! I read from someone else's post that every time they WAW sees OM its resets your progress. Hence, every step forward we take twenty backwards. Maybe if I bust her out she will reevaluate her sitch. However, I'm afraid of ruining the progress I have made.
I don't know. I feel like I'm at a decision point and I am running out of time. Next month I will be gone for at least fifteen months. Its real hard to DB when you're in Iraq.
Wow NT....that's messed up man! I truly understand what your going through. My H denied seeing OW up until the baby was born. And actually, to this day, he STILL has not really mentioned her...can you believe that??!!
But in your sitch, my opinion, I don't think callin' her out is going to help anything. I'm sorry but I really don't especially if your trying to work on things. Whether you know about OM or not, she is going to keep seeing him and you callin' her out is going to make her see you as "The Bad Guy" yet again. It's just really messed up that your kids are the ones being neglected by her in all this...that sucks BIG TYME!!!!
If it were me I would do just as you are. Don't even listen to the excuses and don't ask questions about where she is going. A very good friend of mine told me to stop asking where H was going or where he had been...she said, "Why are you making him lie to you?" and I had to think about that. By me asking I am forcing him to lie, then I get pissed about it cuz I KNOW he lying, then I act funky towards him bcuz of it. Stop asking....don't listen to the lies. And if she makes excuses as to why she can't do this or that with the kids, tell her SHE has to be the one to tell the kids. Why should you be the one to tell them that Mommy's not coming??? Let her tell them. I would just say, "Oh you not going? Well you need to explain why you're not going to the kids." I wouldn't do her dirty work...nope...not me. See if she can lie to them in their face as easily as she lies to you.
Thanks LJ. I'm so confused right now. I wrote her a letter explaining that she doesn't have to lie anymore. I'm an adult and I can take it. I can't continue to disrespect myself by ignoring it or let her disrespect the kids by having them hide it. But thats all I said about OM. The rest of the letter talks about how I am happy that she is finding herself and doing things for herself but why can't she do it in the framework of our marriage?
I ended the letter with this: I am not trying to start any further arguments; this is not some effort to win you back, I realize its over and I understand why you feel that way. But I want you to know where I am coming from as I try to rebuild my life. However, I would like to point out that in the moments you've let your emotional wall down, we both recognized that if we re-engaged in a positive manner to move our marriage forward, it could become stronger than ever. But its hard when there is three people involved instead of two.
A lot of me wants to hit send. But a lot of me is scared because it might push her closer to him. I'm so confused. I sent a whole bunch of V Day stuff to her and the kids this week. So I guess if I do send it at least it will be followed with kindness.
LJ, Fish, Thanks for the support. Unfortunately I already hit send. I guess we'll see. I hope one way or another we'll go in a direction. LJ I don't tell my kids anything. My D already acts "as if" I wish I was as strong as her. She justs tell me that we'll have more fun without her anyway. Who knows...maybe after this we can start getting real with each other instead of nice
Glad you're in a place in your life now where you seem sure of what you want and hopeful of the future! Good times a comin'...I'm sure!!!