Today I left because I had some errands to run. Left this morning at 8 and came in around 2:15.
When I walked in the door the phone rang. S Answered it and it was H's lawyer.
Well the deadline he has set for himself is here and I supose I should not be shocked,.
It;s just that things were going good...I thought.
He went into the living room (good thing) because it is open and he knew that I could hear him.At least he isn't hiding like he was. She asked him about what I believe to be last year taxes. So he must have gone to see her today.
When I came in the house the classified ads were on the counter. If he is moving out this is where he would look for a place to live.
Breathe E Breathe
It feels like it is happening all over again. Just when I think I'm going to get through this...wham!
Maybe he does need to move out...to miss me, to see what he will miss?????.
I keep going through the stages of MLC that are posted on this site and I wish there was a checklist that I could say that he is past.
I wish things were definate...black and white
Why can't he go through the stages one at a time so that I can check things off so that I know he is DONE WITH THAT ONE!
Do I just coast, stand still, wait and not ask any info?
Wait until I get new information from my lawyer that she gets from his lawyer?
I hate being in the dark and trying to act "as If."
"As if" what??? He is leaving? We are staying together? Things are going to work out? I don't know anything !!!
He has't started to pack anything but that could be done in a weekend.
If he tells me he is going I don't want to fall to pieces. I want to be the person he wants to come back to.
I'm scared
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
I'm sorry for your pain...I understand your frustration and wish I had answers to your questions for you...I'm scared too...I'm wondering the same things about my H...waiting is hard. Breathe deep, say your prayers, have hope and faith, don't give up. Be strong and don't let him see you upset...I know how hard it is, but you can do it...others have done it before us and succeeded. Hold on to the hope that you can get through this too.
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
Don't focus on the divorce. It takes time to get through all the legal stuff. I filed in May 07 and I am still here with the divorce on hold. Keep DBing and going on with life. Take control of you and your life in your mind...its not all up to our H.
They mean so much to me at this stage...you have no idea how much I need them ( well, maybe you do )
Well opened my eyes and started a new day....
That's all can ask for right now. I will take control of the things I can( me, myself and I) and wait....
O.K. Now this next part is a big No No but I had to say it, it was like I had to put it on the table....
We were spooning in bed and(he moved his feet to warm mine up ahhhhh memories.....)I told H this morning that I have so many things to say to him and he said "don't"
(Alright, this is when I pictured all of my friends here that have given me good advice (you looked like a bunch of smiley faces LOL) and when I was told by you ,that "he did let me know where I stand", "stand still","wait","don't do anything" and "patience" )
After a long pause, I said "I'm with you"
"Be honest with yourself and me"
I got up from there immediately, after a small hug, and I told him that I had an appiontment with Dr and that his coffee was made.
Alright let me have it....
With both barrels if need be...but can you do it with love and kindness
Enlightenedbylife
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
If I have learned anything in all this it is DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL!
To ask is to be denied, to tell just doesn't work. There is an assumption we make when we ask questions. That assumption is that our Hs have an answer and will tell us the truth. Opps. They are not telling us the truth about a lot of things (most of us know that) and they don't know the answers to most of what we ask (like why?). So stop assuming. Accept the fact that they have no clear reasons, don't not have any answers, and telling them anything about themselves is fairly pointless until they are ready to actually listen.
The first thing I found that did work was to tell my H good things about myself (not bad things about him), things I am doing that I enjoy...especially things he always thought I couldn't do. My H always pictured me as not social (something he likes about OW). So now I make a point to tell him about all my new friends and activities.
The second thing I found that worked was to give him credit for doing things he thought he was bad at(or he thought I thought he was bad at). I always handled the bills. Now I let him do part and cheer his progress.
Look for those things your H complained about in you before all this and change them. Look for his self doubts and encourage any steps he makes to change them.
You're fine...the statements you made to H were alright...getting up and walking away afterwards was good...let him lay there and think about what you said...sometimes a small dose of reality can cause a spark of recognition in their blank little faces! Ha!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
He has been going through a divorce for the past 18 months and we had a long talk. His W is the one that had all of the self esteem problems and an A.
She has been doing everything she can to make this hell for him. i thought that this was the case... black and white... until I was listening to him talk.
She has been very manipulative and he is tired and has become very bitter.
The realtionship has in the last 18 months deteriorated to the point that they don't talk and when they do it is anger and even if they are the slight bit nice they look to see when it will get ugly.
I was thinking about what I have learned from this forum and how far I have come to learn about how my H is feeling and what he has to be going through.MLC
How by reading the book DB ,I have such a different perspective on the issues that arise. Not that I'm a pro by any means but that I can step back before saying something that would be counterproductive to the relationship.
I feel although it ha been slow at times at least I have been moving forward.
They have not moved forward in a way that I would be happy.They are so stuck in the anger stage.
They may be living apart but the anger holds them together and stops the from moving forward.
When I came home last night, before my H came home from work I realized that maybe I wasn't at the stage that BIL was at, living apart, but that I was very much happier with myself.
When H came in the door I wanted to hug him and tell him thanks. ( I didn't though, didn't want to scare him!) Thanks for letting me look at myself and not be angry or bitter, although sometimes I do get angry, I try to move forward and use it as a stepping stone.
I really want to thank all that post here, the learning and experience has brought me where I am today. Whenever this ends and wherever this takes me I am glad for the journey that has made me the person that I am today.
Thanks Friends Judy
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
Great post! I agree with you...coming here and reading other sitchs...getting info and advice has been a Godsend! I have come to realize that I will be alright eventually too and much of that comes from the friends I have made here as well. It feels good to take the high road in such a mess and to be comfortable with ourselves and how we act and handle the issues that arise. Where ever the road may take me, I will be able to handle it with dignity and grace...
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
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