Ingrid had asked if I had read 5LL. Yes, I read it a few months back, when I was in my "read every R book I can get my hands on stage." I found it SO useful- why didn't I find it 5 years ago? From reading the book, I think h's main LL is physical affection, although WOA might be secondary. I've been trying to occassionally give him small gestures of physcial affection over the last few months (touches on his arm or back, hugs when it feels welcome), but it is so hard when I don't want to be seen as pursuing or clingy. I've also been making an effort to thank him for the things that he does for me or does around the house. Small drips into the love cup- maybe they'll add up to something over time.
I've been thinking alot about trust and forgiveness today. How will I know when I've forgiven H for all of the wrongs he's made, the lying, the gambling, leaving? How do you know when you've forgiven someone? When the thought of the act doesn't make you seethe with anger or wince with pain?
I'm waiting for Healing the Hurt in your Marriage and hoping that will help. I have a lot of the same questions - if my H does at some point say that he's here to stay, all the stuff that I've been ignoring will need to be dealt with.
I'm not sure if there's any point in doing it in counselling - perhaps you need the person who caused the pain to hear it before it can be let go?
I have moments when I think I could really consider a renewed M to be an entirely new M, and then I can feel all that pain and anger just go away. Then I struggle with just 'letting him off the hook', then I think that he has actually suffered quite a bit too over the years, and if he has learned from it, then me continuing to bring it up isn't helpful or needed.
The fear of it happening again - for me that's the big one. Perhaps if we really learn through this process to value ourselves and trust our ability to be happy and functional (not really the word I'm looking for, but as close as I can get right now), we can also let go of the fear, having learned that we are okay alone. Maybe I won't ever get there unless my H moves out?
I'm not sure if there's any point in doing it in counselling - perhaps you need the person who caused the pain to hear it before it can be let go?
Oh, he's heard it (not recently). That doesn't seem to help me get closer to forgiveness, but maybe time will.
Originally Posted By: Ingrid
I have moments when I think I could really consider a renewed M to be an entirely new M, and then I can feel all that pain and anger just go away. Then I struggle with just 'letting him off the hook',
Me too. How do you "wipe the slate clean"? Do you say you've forgiven and then just move on? How do you know that you've gotten past it? I'm afraid of thinking that I've forgiven and moved on, only to have some deeply buried resentment rise up during some argument somewhere down the line.
I don't mean physically hear it, I mean really hear it, emotionally, and understand the pain they've caused.
I think I've gotten to that point with my own actions (although only my H can say for sure), in being able to see how painful it was to be on the receiving end of some things and apologize with sincere remorse. We haven't talked about everything I feel badly about, but I'm totally open if it comes up. I'm also much more aware of how my actions now impact my H - I'm noticing his reactions in a way I didn't before.
I also think that we don't just forgive once, that it has to happen over and over as things rise up in a different way over time. Some of us do that in our M, others do it on their own, but we'll all face the challenge. Staying mad is also an option, but I'm hoping to get past that at some point.
Things are status quo and I'd like to see something change. H is over here a lot, we spend a lot of time together with the kids and he's been staying here until late 4-5 nights a week after the kids are in bed. We just hang out, watching tv or just being in the house at the same time. It may sound good, but this has been going on for months now and I'm ready for some small sign that things are moving in the right direction.
He has been showing me no physical attention. No "dates" since late Nov. We haven't had any r talks since our last JC session a couple of weeks ago. I just feel like I need some reassurance. I'm so tired of waking up alone. I'm losing patience, and I know that's not where I need to be. Help, please.
