Tired and giving up

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi all,
Well, I have alot to say. Saffie is probably going to get out the big stick but who knows.

My H graced us with his presence for the holidays. Unfortunately everything went to hell in a handbasket starting Christmas Eve. I had felt that my H was lying to me about OW. He was distant and I guess it was just plain intuition. I caved and snooped. I checked his v/m on his cell phone and low and behold, there was a message from her thanking him for the Christmas gift he sent her. Just a few days before she had called our house going off on me which I calmly hung up on her. When I told H, he "couldn't understand why she would call when he hadn't been talking to her".

The next day went fine and then Weds. Weds evening I left to pick up S13 from the bus stop from a snowboarding trip. When I got back I noticed stuff piled up on the backseat of H's truck. (he never does this in front of me, only behind my back). When I asked a couple of questions, calmly and not accusing, he got really angry and stormed out of the house. He had made reservations to stay at a hotel when he came for his visit. Said he felt staying with us made it harder when he had to leave. He had arrived on Sunday and planned on leaving Thursday. Glad he could fit in 3 or 4 days for his kids after not seeing them for a month.

Well, I have epilepsy and stress is a trigger. I have had way too much stress. Later that evening I had a seizure and fell down the stairs. I hurt my knee, my back, hip and shoulder. Good friends came over to help until I was slowly functioning again. When H came back the next day he was upset bc he was not called. I said "why" you don't care about me, why should you be called. He ended up staying until yesterday.

He told me on Saturday that he called the OW Thursday evening and told her it was over, what happened to me, that he was going to be staying at the house, etc. He told her not to call him anymore. blah blah blah.

Anyway, either I have great intuition or he just isn't as good as liar as he thinks. While he was showering to leave, I went out to the truck. 1) I wanted to be sure he wasn't taking anything that was both of ours that I might want and 2) what was he hiding. He had stayed at our home for 5 days and never once brought in his suitcase. I unzipped the front flap of the suitcase, didn't even have to open the main compartment and there was a bag. That bag had several pairs of lingerie, 3 cards and some porn dvds. No, the lingerie was not my size. The cards said the following "I really like spooning with you in bed and I love forking with you even more", "you have a talented tongue" and "I was wondering if you would let me love you forever and ever". Freaking gag me.

I kept the bag. I wonder what he will think when he finds it missing. He doesn't even know I saw it. Anyway, I told calmly told him as he was leaving that I didn't want him to come back. That I am tired of his lies and bs and his blaming me for everything. I really am. He says one thing, does another. He has admantly stated that he has never met her or anyone else, that he has not had sex with anyone else. What bs! That stuff certainly wasn't for me!

Anyway, I could really use some support. I know I was snooping but I just really wanted to know the truth so that I can decide what my options are. He can do what he wants, I can't control that but I do get to decide whether or not I want to stay for the ride.

[fightingirish]

luv,


First, How are you feeling physically.. I hope your ok. Thank goodness for friends!!

Wow.. I just don't know what to say.. Holy crap. What a basta*d.

Im so so so sorry, I cannot believe the lying that goes on with him... You must be so hurt to find something of that nature.. although I don't know what either means, it obviously has to do with sex.

At this point, I don't know how you can continue with living with his lies.. I know you have been giving him space.. and its obvious he is not using it to better himself but to be with her.

This is not going to help your stitch. You are going to have to totally detach from him.. only to have contact with him concerning the kids and that's all.

No, you can't control what he does, but him living with you and you being tempted to snoop ( (which yes everyone does) I won't give you a 2x4 because Ive done it myself and the way I feel is I would want to know if he is a compulsive liar and if Im being taken for a ride. ) Its better if he isn't around, because you know when you do snoop its only going to hurt you.

Oh I feel sick for you right now.

I'll be available later to talk if you want to call me.. i have some work to do, so call me around 3pm my time.

((((((hugs))))))

tal

[SueS]

Luv-

Huge Hugs to you. I'm so sorry. I wish we could just snap our fingers and make the pain go away. I'd do ANYTHING to be able to do that right now for all of us.

It seems like from your previous posts that despite your desire to believe your H, you had your suspicions. The call from OW, his not wanting you to call his parent's house, him not wanting to stay with you....etc. I'm sorry that your feelings were right.

I truly hope that someone can come on here and give you much better advice than I could. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and your kids.

Take care.

SueS

[saffie]

Luv,

I am so sorry. Do whatever you have to do to protect yourself. Go see a L. You have tried so hard with this and he isn't meeting you even part of the way. You deserve better than this and you can't risk your health like that.

What do your friends around you say?

(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

No 2x4 from me this time - it's him that deserves it.

[fooled again]

Luv,

I have been reading your post and I am so sorry for what you have had to go through. I hope you are feeling somewhat better now, physically. You have to take good care of yourself for yourself and for your children.

If it is any consolation, had I been in your shoes, I would have done exactly the same thing - I would have snooped (good for you for keeping the bag - I don't know if I would have had the guts to do that!).

I guess we each have to decide at what point we are no longer willing to take any more, when our S has pushed us to that place where whatever love we had for them has been completely overshadowed by their cruel, demeaning treatment of us. I wonder myself where that point is for me now, b/c I thought I had reached it 3 mos ago. But ultimately detaching completely is the only way to move on and take control of our lives and show them that enough is enough. It does not mean you have failed - it simply means that you have accepted that they are not capable of seeing anything but their own wants and needs.

Reading your post today reminded me of so many similarities w/ my H, the continued lying and the misguided, fantastical notion he had (has) that he could keep doing what he was doing and get away with it and I would continue to suck it up and pretend it wasn't happening, smiling sweetly and enabling him, praying for him to come home to me. What an incredible ego boost. I suppose that there are just some men that will continue to take and take like children until there is nothing left.

Your post has reminded me why it is so important to detach and by detaching we get closer to that place where our S's actions cannot hurt us anymore, since they are ultimately doing this to themselves.

You have every right to inform and protect yourself and the snooping has given you what you need to decide how you will live your life from TODAY. Start to really, honestly create your own life and let him burn himself out. Whatever happens is out of your hands now - you really need to think of yourself.

I will be thinking of you.

FA

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi all,
Just got home from work. Yes, I worked today. I have to. I'm tired as all heck. didn't sleep much last night. Thank you for your words of support and encouragement. Brought tears to my eyes. All of you are right in so many ways. I have tried so hard. I have slipped at times but I have really tried. Nothing matters. He doesn't bend an inch. He doesn't even come 1/2 foot closer to me. He's playing me for a fool. Gives me just enough to keep my hopes up. The way I feel right now is that I can't stand him. I think he's pathetic, sick and totally lost. He's a 43 year old man, living in an unfinished bedroom in his parents house, no job, no home, no wife, no kids. Nothing but an illicit affair with a woman with no morals. Wow. Nice life.

I don't want to look at him much less speak with him. The last thing I told him was that all I expected from him was help to pay the bills. Nothing more. I have to email him tomorrow for money to pay them. I am not reacting anymore, I'm planning. I feel that he's a lost cause and that until he can face his problems with porn and this OW that nothing will change between us. At this point I am not planning on things changing. I am however completely detaching from him.

[fightingirish]

luv,

Im actually glad you went to work, it will help take your mind off things.

That's great that you are detaching from him I think at this point its what you have to do.

Call me if you need me.

Tal

[LuvMyHusband]

I want to sell the house bc we just can't afford it and I certainly can't afford it by myself. My options will be greater once this obstacle is dealt with. I am making a list tonight of pros/cons of my options. I do not want to file for divorce at this time but I do want out from under this house. I won't feel so stuck then.

[fightingirish]

luv,

what is the market like by you? Hopefully you can sell it fast. Does he care to sell it, will he give you a hard time about that??

[LuvMyHusband]

what's wierd is when I mention selling the house or divorce he gets ticked off. I think he would be ok if I don't mention selling the house and divorce in the same sentence.