I feel like I hit a nerve in my R this weekend. I've been fighting undercurrents of worry that everything's just being smoothed over and swept under the carpet...and while I do crave comfort, surface calm just isn't the same as true peace.
I was a little fed up by the end of the last week with H's constant absence in the evenings. I do need to give him credit for being with us from 6:00 pm Christmas Eve and all of Christmas day, but every other night was filled with his projects. And he pretty much dogged me on Saturday night when I asked if he would bring home supper and have a movie night with me. I was very understanding at the time.
So yesterday, we were "snowed in" and church was cancelled. We spent a nice leisurely morning together, all nice and cozy, and then he says, "Do you care if I go into the shop for a couple of hours?" And I said, "I was really looking forward to just relaxing with you today."
Nothing more was really said, but he parked himself on the couch and tuned out for the rest of the day with an obvious chip on his shoulder. I tried talking to him about it, which just got really frustrating and I've pretty much not said anything to him since then. Not trying to be immature about it...just giving myself some space and trying to figure out what my 180 needs to be. So far, I haven't tried to smooth it over--I'm the only one who ever apologizes, and I feel pretty sure on this one that I didn't do anything wrong. He asked me what I thought, I told him, he threw a fit. It's a pretty common dynamic in our R, and I'm tired of it.
We've had some "talks" lately, but they mostly involve me sharing my feelings and him saying "yah, I get that" and no reciprocity...which just adds to my frustration. I mean, how do we move on and grow if he isn't going to participate?
Yuk. I'm preparing myself for the possibility that he will spend NYE in his beloved shop, with the people and things that mean the most to him. Sorry. I know he cares about me, but he also knows how to play me to get what he wants, and I'm not really wanting to play along today.
Aud, I am glad you posted a new thread so I could wish you and your family a happy new year! You have endured quite a bit this year and deserve all the praise I can muster. I share in your thoughts on the "disappearance" and I have made a promise to myself that I will not let that taint my celebration to put a cap on this last year. It has been one hell of year not just for myself but for everyone around these threads. I hope that no matter what you take pride in all that you have accomplished this year, take a much deserved bow before your children and H if he is there and take a moment to truly absorb all that you have endured. You deserve this! Look at the accomplishments and share with your children another year's close.....this one has more hope than last....peace
Aud, Can you describe what some of the dialogue in your conversations consist of? If you can capture what you're saying, and what he's saying, maybe you can make some adjustments that will more likely move you two to problem-solving around the time spent together issue.
I'm thinking the formula consists of you conveying that you think his desire to spend time in the shop is important, and that you're willing to provide that, to clarify and articulate what your needs are regarding time spent together, and to propose an option, to get the discussion started.
At this point it's hard to tell how much your conflict management, listening, and communication skills need to improve, or that you're dealing with someone who's being selfish around this issue, and won't work with you on this issue no matter how you approach it.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I have made a promise to myself that I will not let that taint my celebration to put a cap on this last year.
I think that's a great thing to do, and I'll follow right behind ya. Thanks for the pat on the back Whapu--I needed it today, and I wish you clarity and peace in this new year.
Thanks for your input CL. Our dialogue usually consists of me saying, "I feel a,b,c or I'm concerned about a,b,c, because of x,y,z.", and H usually offers solutions (when the concern is with something/someone other than himself) or says that he understands (end of topic) or changes the subject. He never brings up his feelings, the only things he ever talks about are his job, his projects, and the people involved with them.
As far as I can tell, if he's aware of changes he needs to make, he doesn't want to step up and make them. To be fair, I'm pretty down on him today, so my assumptions may be colored by my negative feelings. He does nice little things for me every once in awhile...I think that my emotional bank account with him is overdrawn, and they're not counting for a whole lot.
I think my conflict management and listening skills can be improved...but more likely, I'm dealing with someone who is being selfish. I'm trying to not be selfish too...but I'm also tired of being the doormat.
Aud, Your emotional bank account is overdrawn? You mean that you're working harder at the R than he is? You mean that you're putting in effort and seeing not much reward?
His skills at self-expression and communication seem limited. This must be frustrating for someone like you who seems so articulate and expressive.
It seems like we Piecers have to evaluate periodically our allocation of energy put into self-care versus influencing the R. Where have you been putting your energy--more self-care, more building connection in the R, or a balance of both?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hmmm. Very thought provoking. I would say that I've been working on both self-care and R building, and he has done some things in the R building dept too, but not in the underlying areas, and I think that's where my anxiety is coming in. We're both really good at the on-the-surface stuff. It's what lies beneath that gives me the heebie-jeebies, and I think I am definitely better at that stuff than he is. We are not equally matched in this area.
If I look back at the Mars/Venus stuff, I think this conflict is fairly common...but the mismatch seems to come at my cost--I generally just let it go and it never gets better. Maybe I need to accept that it never will. But I do think that there needs to be some kind of respect for my feelings, and expecting him home more than two nights a week does not seem that unreasonable to me.
My belief system is that if I take care of myself, keep my eyes on what is important to me, I will get there. I guess I need to detach some on this one, but I have to be careful that I don't continue to teach him that it's okay to treat me this way. Any suggestions? :P
Okay, because I really want to do this the grown-up way, I need to throw some thoughts out there and see how this all looks on screen.
It's 7:30 pm on NYE, and not a peep from H all day long. (If I were more immature, I'd insert a derogatory name here.) I've been kind of all over the place over the last couple hours. I finally just loaded the kiddos up and drove 10 miles to McDonald's to get something to eat, so with icy roads, I got about 40 minutes of semi-uninterrupted time to think about how I want things to go down when he gets home tonight. Happy NYE, honey. Love you too. Good times.
My natural instinct is to call him/reach out to him. He knows this and expects it. I was distant with him this morning, and he's waiting for me to fold. Giving him the cold shoulder only encourages him to ratchet it up...he'll just be a bigger jerk until I explode at him and then I'll apologize and we'll sweep it under the rug. Nice and clean and professional for him. He doesn't have to do anything but ignore me and allow anything I say to go in one ear and out the other.
So I'm thinking that when he gets home, I need to do something different. I've had conversations going through my head all evening, and they go something like this:
Blank. I'm drawing a blank now. I've got to go think some more.
Aud, I've been here with my H. While my H was "recommitted" to the M, his actions told me otherwise. He did wahtever he wanted whenever he wanted and expected me to be okay with it. My H, too, would do his own thing and not spend an adequate amount of time with the family. In fact, last New Year's Day, he sat on the couch and did online poker while I took the tree down. Nice, huh?
This kind of happened off and onn for a while. In my case, I usually bit my tongue for a while, not wanting to be a nagging W. I told myself that I needed to let H be H and do the things taht make him happy. But there comes a point when this becomes immature. My H was a husband and a father, and there is a certain amount of responsibility that goes along with that.
Anyway, waht would happen in my case is I would get sick of suffering in silence, then I'd finally have a talk with him where i'd calmly tell him that I deserved more from a M. That the way he acts is not the way a husband and a father acts, but rather the way a single guy acts.
So, I do not thing you're beign unresonable. Your H needs to balance his own hobbies and personal pleasure with the responsibility that goes along with being a husband and father. And in my case, when i would just let it happen, H would continue to do it. When i stood up to him, he did stop and think about it.
Things are not that way anymore. My H spends almost all of his spare time with us. He still does guys things and his own thing, but since he spends more time with us, I don't have resentment over it.
So, I guess what I'm saying, is that I think it's okay for you to stand up for yourself. you dont' have to attack, but you do need to tell your H that this is not what you need out of a partner.
So, what ended up happenig last night?
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
I agree with everything you said Peaceful. I think that this type of conflict is pretty common in marriages...and I'm working through it.
Sorry for my abrupt ending last night. Don't know where I lost my train of thought. I finally decided around 10 pm to go make sure H was where I thought he was. When I got there, I walked into the shop and said something like, "I'm looking for my New Year's date--have you seen him?" and he looked at the clock and said, "Is it really 10:30?"
I think that I got myself pretty worked up yesterday and blew some things out of proportion. He wasn't holding a grudge...just trying to have a "productive" day. We had a pretty good talk when he came home and I told him how the events of Sunday and Monday made me feel and he apologized.
And then we got into it again this morning...miscommunication. I can see that we both need to be more forthcoming with information for each other, and maybe discuss our plans more in advance so neither of us has unrealized expectations that cause us to get upset.
I think this is going to take some practice, but some dialogue has been opened up now, and I'm more aware of the fact that I need to stand up and speak up when something really bothers me rather than just letting it build steam by staying quiet.
and he looked at the clock and said, "Is it really 10:30?"