OK, so I just finished reading Sex Starved Marriage and I have a few questions/comments.
We really don't seem to fit in this book at some places. My husband does hold my hand, gives me peck kisses and puts his arm around me every night when we go to bed. Now I admit that he does this because in the past, when we've argued about sex,or lack of it, I told him he could at least show me he loved me by doing these things. The problem is--it hasn't worked. I feel like he is doing these things to placate me. He still doesn't want to have sex with me. The only other thing we argue about is his long hours at work. I feel he stays there to avoid me or that work is more important to him then me. He insists it isn't, it is just that his job is demanding.
Yesterday we had a big arguement. He knew I was going to help my sister who was stranded along a busy highway. I had a question on what I should do and tried to call him at work. He didn't answer his desk phone so I called his cell. He didn't answer at first so I tried again thinking if I called a second time he would realize it was important (he has said in the past if I call twice he will realize it's important and answer) This time he picked up the phone and immediately hung up the phone. I thought there was some issue with a dropped call and tried again. He didn't answer at all this time.
I called my dad. My husband called a few minutes later and I said, never mind, I called dad. He stated. "I don't know why you didn't just call him in the first place, you know I am work and he is retired." I said "Oh, my first inclination when I need advice is to call my husband. I won't make that mistake anymore." We got into an arguement where he felt I was overreacting. Hello, you know I was alongside a busy highway helping my sis who was stranded and you don't bother to pick up your phone? He said he made a bad judgement call. No kidding? Then he doesn't understand why I am upset that I can't call him if I need help. He didn't mean it that way, he said.
He later said that I can call him if I need something, I should call him because he is my husband. Yeah, OK, isn't that what I said in the first place?
Then I later said about the marriage counseling thing. He has been saying for months that he would call. I even told him I wanted him to call to show his commitment and so that I didn't schedule it at a time that wouldn't be convenient and then he would back out. He said "Well, you can do it this week, you're not busy." (No, I'm not. I'm a teacher and I have the week between Christmas and New Year off) But that point to me was I've been asking him and honestly it's usually easier for him since I can only make calls during my prep time and I can't get return calls.
I wrote him a note last night telling him how I feel and in this I didn't really hold back. I taped it to the wall across from the toilet this morning so he couldn't miss it. Before he left for work he kissed me goodbye and said we would talk tonight.
A lot of the Sex Starved wives have felt that way. The book does a good job of going over the issues but when it is the H who is lacking in libido it just seems to feel different. Michelle has a book coming out that is specifically directed toward wives. I think it comes out on Jan 1. The thing is that nothing feels more abnormal than having an H who isn't interested in sex. Possibilities like affairs, homosexuality, low testosterone, internet porn addiction and the like seem more possible than an H who simply isn't interested. Do you think that any of these issues are possibilities? A lot of us have spent a lot of time looking for some kind of silver bullet only to find that there isn't one.
Karen
PS Good luck with your talk. Mine haven't netted much in the past. The thing that seems to work is short, repeated honesty over a long period of time. Setting boundaries and holding them. Read Passionate Marriage.
Karen1 thing is that nothing feels more abnormal than having an H who isn't interested in sex. Possibilities like affairs, homosexuality, low testosterone, internet porn addiction and the like seem more possible than an H who simply isn't interested.
You ladies are missing one very important point. Lots of men become overly involved with work, acquiring new toys/things, and how to pay for things.
I can remember times in my life where I only had a certain amount of time to get a job done, that sex was something I could put off because my W-BB didn't like quickies and what she wanted took several hours.
Sometimes if I set aside the several hours, she was too tired to have sex or something came up and she wasn't interested in sex as much as what just popped up on her radar screen.
I have talked to several guys that basically put too much time into work. I think work issues are a more common problem than OW, porn, or what some women see as no sex drive from their H.
I worked jobs where we got paid for what we produced or repaired. There was a lot of competition at work. If I didn’t deliver in a certain amount of time, the next job would go to another person. Believe me, some jobs will suck the life out of a guy and diminish his reasoning abilities. He thinks success at work is one of the main things he has to do or he isn’t a man.
In some business’s guys that make excuses for not getting the job done on time and done right are viewed as very wimpy at work.
Now, I never let too much time go by between sexual encounters, but I did spend more time working on things around the house (part time jobs done at home) than BB liked. She felt I didn’t pay enough attention to her at the time of the day she wanted the attention.
I felt I had to get the work done, then play. By the time my playtime was about to start, she was ready to go to sleep.
Karen1, your situation is different. I was just explaining why work interferes with sex and sometimes the timing is off.
but I did spend more time working on things around the house (part time jobs done at home) than BB liked. She felt I didn’t pay enough attention to her at the time of the day she wanted the attention. I felt I had to get the work done, then play.
He said something about that last night. That he thinks he shows love in a lot of ways such as doing things around the house (yeah, and who does he think cooks and cleans?)I tried to tell him that I don't view that as showing love and affection. Maybe it's just a barrier of he thinks he is showing love, but it's not my version of it.
My H says the same baloney. I can write a three page letter about lack of sex in the M and how it makes me feel and suggest solutions etc... He will then say. "I love you." That is the whole response. My question has always been "Love me like what?". I love my Mom, my best friend, my brother and a lot of other people. I would also cook and clean for them. What is the thing that distinguishes a marital R from other close R's? Well, usually, sex and any children that issue from that. Sharing a home, 401K, last will and testament etc... can be done with others.
He said something about that last night. That he thinks he shows love in a lot of ways such as doing things around the house (yeah, and who does he think cooks and cleans?)I tried to tell him that I don't view that as showing love and affection. Maybe it's just a barrier of he thinks he is showing love, but it's not my version of it.
BINGO! PLEASE read Chapman's book The Five Love Languages.
Karen1 You are right and that is my H's primary excuse. Thing is - I don't buy it.
The big difference between Mr. K and me, I had the work/income stress but I did F BB every chance I got if I wasn't working, if she was awake, if FITB.
One of our problems was timing. She was ready and flirting by 8PM and was out like a light by 10 PM. I had work to do till 8 or 9 PM, and then wanted to play. By 10PM I was cooking while BB was about to turn off for the day.
I was still revving by the AM but she wasn't into morning sex or middle of the night of the night sex, except on very rare occasions.
I did most of the work when it came to ML. I never asked for much. Always was worried I was being pushy or I might make BB feel uncomfortable.
I asked her to do me like you do Mr. K but she wouldn't do more than a minuet of F'n me so I took over.
I like top, bottom, side, back, another difference between me and Mr. K.
Karen, I see why you don't buy the work excuse. Work can be a stressor but not a reason not to do the W.
For me work interfered but it didn't prevent me from having sex. BB wanted more of my time, sex or no sex, which I didn't give her because of work and financial strains.
Some of the jobs I had at the time required a lot of time, didn't pay that well, and I wanted to have/do the things most of my peers had or did. BB wasn't working at the time, another difference between your situation and mine.
Of course, the back and related financial things, really screwed up our sex life
My opinion is everyone like me and BB needs to F at least monthly, no matter the anxiety one has. And they better put their all into it too.
