*This is also posted in Newcomers forum I will try to keep this short, but thats gonna be tough. Met my wife on a blind date back in 95, we both fell madly in love and moved in together within 4 months. During that time I travelled weekly, but when I returned on Thursdays we would spend the entire weekend in bed, literally. She soon became pregnant, and told me she didnt want to be married while she was showing, I had to marry her or she was going to take a train back home. I took the bait knowing that I loved her anyway, it just didnt happen as I would have planned it. We married in 95, had our first child and we moved to Pittsburgh (Shes from Biloxi, MS). I continued to work with my company and became quite successful, we had another child in 98. Shortly after our second child I discovered she was having an affair with the bartender from the restaraunt she worked in. She took the kids and moved back to MS, I filed a motion to have my kids returned to Pittsburgh and I left the home, got an apartment. I began the process of paying CS ($1900/mo) at the courts order, within about 6 months I also started dating and meeting many women and was generally having a VERY good time. My initial begging and pleading turned to indifference and digust for this woman, she felt the wrath each time she contacted me. At the 9 month point in this seperation she contacted me asking for a quickie (it was 4am), blindly I took the bait and we ended up reconciling within 1 month. We saw a few marriage counselors but neither of us wanted to delve to deeply into the past, kinda swept it under the rug, she also admitted to another affair she was having prior to the one she got caught in. I blew it off. All 3 counselors informed me that my wife has Bipolar II, and one specifically said she has either Borderline or Histrionic personality disorder. I blew this off as well. So now we are in our second honeymoon, things are GREAT, we buy a new house have another child and are generally happy, never fighting, sex is awesome and frequent we are having fun together. She takes a trip (this is 2002) down to see her parents and apparently hooks up with an old boyfriend (Clayton), she tells me she is not sure but she may be in love with him, he is a recovering oxycontin addict. Shortly after that she shows up one morning at 6am not knowing where she is. She is drugged and explains that she thinks she was raped and shortly after gets an abortion. With things going so well this really blew me away, I considered D but somehow she pulled me back in. We ended up moving to Biloxi in 2004 and things were generally great but she isnt taking any meds for her illness, sometimes she is prescribed antidepressents like wellbutrin or celexa but she never stays on them. She has 2 more abortions within a 9 months span, she says they are mine and its her decision but my trust is now far gone so I dont even know which way is up. In Jun of 07 she comes home at 6:30am wasted, I find out from a mutual friend she was out with that Clayton (same guy from almost 6 years back), thats she thinks she may love him but knows its just an infatuation. She says this has been going on for 5 yrs! Initially she is so guilty that whenever she even tries to bring the subject up she runs to the bathroom to vomit. She loses 40 lbs, we start seeing a new counselor, this time taking it very seriously and he confirms the earlier diagnoses. She is placed on Seroquel, Klonopin, and Lexapro (later Effexor). She settles down a bit then decides to move out with the whole "I need space" speech. I file for divorce and a motion to get Primary Custody of my daughters, on a temp basis the judge awards a 50/50 split. I am devastated once again, and have just recently started a no contact process with her. I did the whole threatening, begging thing and it obviously pushed her away even more. We have been seperated 6 months and she is now seeing another old friend who is currently on parole for Cocaine dist, but has a long rap sheet. She sometimes brings this guy around my kids even at their adament request that she dont and obviously mine. At this point she claims to see no hope for us, too much damage but she also claims that she doesnt want a divorce but sees it as the only way. We did have sex about 6-7 times during this seperation, and there were times when she acknowledged that she wanted to finally make things right in this marriage, get the help she needs etc. Right now it seems hopeless. Our mutual C explains that the ONLY way this can work is she has to "put everything out on the table in joint counseling". He explains to me that from his earlier private sessions with her she has a "desperate love for me" and wants the same things I do. At this point I can say that I love her but I am prepared for a D, we are just in a waiting pattern with the courts, no date set yet. She feels that she is under constant pressure to make a decision RIGHT NOW but she is obviously stalling as well. I have read so much divorce stuff and so many forums and this has been the ONLY one out there that people seem like they have had any success with. I need help, getting the book today, but I need help to get my family back together.
*I should also note that our C is VERY pro marriage. I have also now read Divorce Busting, read it over Xmas.
Last edited by mako_man; 12/26/0702:05 PM.
Me: 37, engineer, former Marine Her: 33, HS dropout, retail sales Kids: 3 Daughters 11,9,3 2 Dogs Seperated since Jun07
how tough for you mako, you've hanged on through hell and hail. My H is in sort of the same sitch, deep inside he wants his family but just can't seem to get himself together, perhaps this is true with her, well, the bipolar diagnose also fits in. But, again, seems like she is trying to run away from herself and doing it unsucesfully (drugs,men).
She feels that she is under constant pressure to make a decision RIGHT NOW but she is obviously stalling as well ============================== Again, I hear your pain, you see your spouse doing the stupidest things and not able to give of herself to your family even though that's what she prob really wants. Is she seeing a therapist weekly? any progress? T is not always effective, my H was seeing a T for months when I found out about the second A, he claimed he was miserable and didn't know what to do (T didn't even think he was depressed).
It is good that you have your back up plan (prepared for D), as much as it will hurt if I ever have to go through a D I know I will do fine with my children. What will be very hard for you now is the trust issue (again, ditto here, trust is in the negatives in my case). It's a blessing the girls have a good dad, I pray that they do not see the uglyness that's taken over their mother.
Hopefully she does admit she has a problem, that's a beginning.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
We have been seeing a C for 5 months now, mostly individual sessions but we have had 4 sporadic joint sessions. In the joint sessions she has admitted to finally understanding she has a mental illness, but will not go into the any affair details. After each of these joint sessions she refuses to return for weeks then shows up again when she is very depressed. Our C has basically laid out the plan that in joint counseling she must lay EVERYTHING in our past 12 years out on the table no matter how many men, issues, etc. She understands this and is understandably afraid. I have said all along that I know enough, dont need to know anymore certainly if there is no hope of reconciling. The therapist has essentially given up on individual counseling with her and claims I have to be there for there to be any chance of this working. The C does repeatedly tell me she "desperately" loves me and wants the same things I do, but lately she has slipped even further into the abyss. However, there is a planned session on Jan3 for us, apparently the process of laying it out is 'supposed' to begin, not holding my breath and dont even know if I care anymore. I do love her, she can be so incredible on one hand and equally destructive on the other. Its been a tough 12 yrs, DB techniques worked for me during our first seperation but we never got to the heart of these issues before so they still linger. I guess if I could have my wife back, and healthy i would do it in a heartbeat but right now she is cold and predictable.
Me: 37, engineer, former Marine Her: 33, HS dropout, retail sales Kids: 3 Daughters 11,9,3 2 Dogs Seperated since Jun07
In my situation I have no other choice but to to use LRT, we are seperated 6 months, there has been some ex-sex but that was 2 months ago. I already pushed her away with constant grilling, constant searching for answers, etc. I know now after reading DB and DR I am in a very precarious spot. I have had NO CONTACT with her for a week or so, but she did bring the girls by for xmas and stayed a bit, we laughed and smiled. She txted me later to thank me and that the girls had a good Xmas. We have upcoming C on Jan 3, how do I continue to do nothing and LRT when the C will focus on her admitting all her infidelities? What to do?
Me: 37, engineer, former Marine Her: 33, HS dropout, retail sales Kids: 3 Daughters 11,9,3 2 Dogs Seperated since Jun07
Discipline is not something I am short on, especially through all of this I have let a lot roll off my back. Problem is I get viewed by my stbx as weak and not standing up for myself, then when I do lose it for reasons like finding out about new affair, etc I am told I am verbally abusive. Always felt I have been in a no win situation but I keep plugging away hoping for a miracle I guess. Damned if you do, damned if you dont.
Me: 37, engineer, former Marine Her: 33, HS dropout, retail sales Kids: 3 Daughters 11,9,3 2 Dogs Seperated since Jun07
Well Jesus wept. There are incidences where strong men cry and you went through Boot or OCS and neither is no picnic. Who are they to judge? Wiskey Tango Foxtrot!!?! I've seen Marines cry about things that cut or penetrated deep. Even Chesty at the end of his days expressed doubts of his lot in life as reported in 'Fortunate Son'.
Saying someone cannot show any emotion like a John Wayne movie 'Who never served in the Military' usually is done by cowards who never put themselves in a position to be as brave as someone else tells to be where they may have to face whatever and forge on. Even Pro Boxers can stop and say 'No Mas' without going to Levenworth.
As for calling things like it is calling a donkey a horse does not make you a horse's A$$. Labeling a pile of $hit flower food does not lessen the smell.
My guess you tried MC and other things. Have you got Michelle'book Divorce Remedy? I've been down this road and the hardest thing outside of discovering infidelity was to look myself in the ugly mirror to discover my own warts in a cold analytical manner and methodically work on them. Not to say you have or have not.
It may not fix your Marriage but it sure paves many bumps in the rest of the road in life.
Best wishes Marine
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Yeah read DR and DB, probably a bit too late, wife already left and has been gone for 7 months. While we were getting together for the first 3-4 months, the last few have basically been no contact and there is now another guy in the picture. I have already been down this road with her before and the last time we seperated for 1 yr so its somewhat familiar terrain. This time it does feel more hopeless though and an actual divorce has been filed (by me), I have considered dropping the case altogether but I do fear for the safety of my girls and on top of that I have trouble backing out of this decision, the most important one I have ever made in my life. Not even sure if I want this woman back, certainly not in her present state, just confused.
Me: 37, engineer, former Marine Her: 33, HS dropout, retail sales Kids: 3 Daughters 11,9,3 2 Dogs Seperated since Jun07
Well MM Best wishes. Frankly you probably are way ahead of anything I could tell you. Hope you and your daughters do well. Divorce is toughest on kids. In the end they will know reguardless of what we tell them who tried, who cared, and who will stick with them.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
