Going thru the Big D - Aggressive or Not Aggressiv

[rogerrespondent]

My faithful wife filed for Divorce the last week of September and we are scheduled to go to trial at the end of February (which is the last thing I want to have happen) I have periodically tried different things from the book but it is alot harder than it sounds to apply some of the things discussed ...I would try something and then after a week or so would give up and try something else....all told I think I must have tried everything to get her back with me except the right thing (at least for us) there was never any abuse or anything like that during our 7 yr marriage I did put her through college and grad school allowing her to get a killer job (100k) so here is my question I am well versed in the law and even though I represent myself I have had no trouble at all handling her attorney and making him follow the rules. As a wounded man my two choices are fight or flight and I have never walked away from a fight when the result of my actions will to be allow someone to walk all over me. We have had two full blown hearings so far and I have walked out the victor in both. The problem I have is every time I respond to something her attorney has done or anytime I have filed anytime of pleading to keep her attorney inside the lines I have been met with hostility from my soon to be ex. We get along fine but I just spent Christmas without seeing her because she was still mad from our December 17th hearing where the judge gave me access to our marital assets (savings and investment accounts)anyway she is facing the very real likelihood of paying me compensatory spousal support of over 1500 mo for 3 1/2 to 4 years at the conclusion of all of this. I do not want to get divorced at all ...she would attend counseling but only if I got weak with pursuing what I am entitled to receive according to Oregon Law. And as long as I continue to proceed sticking up for myself and my position she will never do anything but go down with the ship. How do I juggle the two hats I have to wear in this thing ?? I did not start all of these legal actions against one another ..she did. The last thing I want to do is allow her to manipulate me to drop everything that she owes me based upon her declaration that she is open to counseling if I lay down my sword. Only to find that she has just as much intention of following through on that as she did with her proclamation of forever when we got married. I can start slow dancing things in the divorce to buy me anywhere from 2-4 months before its time to go to trial ...what do I do and how do I separate these two different parts of my life with her that have goals that are 180 degrees apart from each other. thanks!!

[rogerrespondent]

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

[sgctxok]

Well...you have to have clear goals. Small, active and measurable.

What are her complaints....even though you've tried various things, they may not have been focused attempts.


Counseling may not help and may even hurt the situation.
Letting her walk all over you may not help the situation.

Being very aggressive will hurt your chances in getting her back.


Buying more time is a good idea. Most attorneys do it. They make more money that way.


Kindness, gentleness and patience are all helpful.


Let's set your relationship goals, the things you want HER to do:

Small, attainable.
Positively stated.
Action Oriented.

[rogerrespondent]

I want her to confide in me again. I want her to show some sort of emotion that isn't driven by money throughout all this...I want her call me and ask me if I want to go to dinner. I want to go beyond a simple kiss good night when I drop her off ...I want her to initiate sex (with me this time)...her issues are this
1) I don't make her happy anymore and she needs to be with someone who makes her happy because she should not be expected to be miserable her whole life (thank you for that)
2) She has one close friend who has 666 tattooed under her hair line some where
3) She thinks when we separated a year ago for awhile and while we were in counseling she had an affair that caused her to want to stop going to counseling and pursue Mr. right now for 3-4 months and during that time she thought my response to all of this was wrong and that I tried to ruin her life. what I did was file for divorce amazing thing was that as soon as I shared with her the new Mr. Wonderful's credit report (396 beacon ..not a typo) he immediately stopped making her happy.) so we reconciled and have struggled for this last year and then the weekend after what i thought was a break through the following Monday her attorney filed she had seen him on the Friday before the breakthrough and the whole great weekend we shared she knew that Monday was d day. She will only go to counseling if it's divorce counseling.
4) I have been trying to follow the game plan in (edited by sg) and its been a couple of weeks now and nothing ...i am in a sticky situation with the court stuff and the books I have read all say to get an attorney to be the bad guy for me ..
The reason she gave me once for not wanting to do any couples stuff (therapy workshop stuff) is because she knew I wanted to and no one could control her ... questions?? thanks for the help and lending a sympathetic ear but if you need to let me have it then please let er rip. She just got here to go to dinner out together tonight ...i will check in when I get back in because I will niot be going to her place even if she asks ...which she wont

[sgctxok]

Good job. Let's just refine them a little bit so we can measure progress.

I want her to confide in me again.
This one may be ambitious for right now. What would have to happen before she confided in you.

I want her to show some sort of emotion that isn't driven by money throughout all this
This one is a little vague. What specifically would you like her to say or do....or, in other words, when this goal is achieved, how will you know it?

I want her call me and ask me if I want to go to dinner.

Perfect. Is there anything, smaller goals that would have to happen before she did this? Or...when things are headed in this direction, WHAT WILL BE THE FIRST SIGN...what will you both be saying and doing?



I want to go beyond a simple kiss good night when I drop her off ...
I want her to initiate sex (with me this time).[/
How many dates are you likely to have before this would happen?
b]


The ebook you mentioned is definitely not recommended, we remove references to it from this site. Most of his strategies are detrimental to relationships, especially marriages.

Did you invite her to dinner?

[sgctxok]

get an attorney to be the bad guy for me ..


Might be a good idea. But keep all money in escrow with a third party...not either of your attorneys.

[rogerrespondent]

Thank you for listening. Here are the answers
#1. Before she confided in me she would have to be able to know that whatever it was she told me would not be used against her in court and I won't confide anything in her until I can be sure of the same. Her birthday is Dec 22 and about 2 1/2 weeks ago we were chatting at her place when I went over to pick up the cat from her having two weeks of cat visitation. and I told her that since neither one of us has much going on from xmas thru Jan 3rd or so that I wanted to go to Mexico and grab some sunshine and relax and asked her if she wanted to go ...on me and I said what we both needed was to go away ...without anyone else we know within 1000 miles of us and get some sun during the couple of hours each day that we would not be in bed and then after trying that for 7 days if we didn't begin to feel reconnected then we could just go into the courthouse and file a joint petition and call it a marriage. She said it sounded good to her. I told her to think about it over night but whatever she decided she wanted to do ...I would like the whole thing to stay between us so we could keep those lines of communication open. She agreed the next morning I received an email from her attorney asking me what the source of funds for the trip I had proposed was going to be. I said .."What trip?" she apologized for having betrayed our agreement .
#2 I will know it when she wants to do something with me and offers to pay ...I will know it when she doesn't offer to do something where she expects me to abandon some valid claim I have on our money. I will also know it when she cries or shows some sign of deeper emotional feeling about losing me and not losing 1/2 savings or 1/2 of the cat time.
#3 The dinner invite or party invite or any invite may not happen while the bigger financial issues are still looming ahead. The first sign will be her making some sort of affirmative gesture towards me that has no immediate payoff for her.
#4 Tonight was a good kiss more than you would use to kiss your mother but not one that would you breathless or that you could build on ...she initiated sex on our anniversary (august 31st) I think she initiate sex if I bought her something nice like a piece of jewelry or something or right now I believe she is operating under the 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer" theory of divorce the reason she changed her mind on Mexico she said was because she thought it was a trick I was playing and if we went down there then there would be no way for her to come back not feeling connected to me again and did not want to risk that it i would come back and then continue to be the aggressor in court if she decided that she still wanted to get divorced...I do not argue with her pretzel logic anymore I just agree that she is entitled to feel anyway she wants.
#5 I could probably manipulate her into having sex with me somehow now but for her to initiate it or to encourage it could take the rest of my life but probably 8-10 dates with nothing happening in court. I suggested to her that the fact that their had been a petition for divorce filed that we were sure making alot of decisions because of it and possibly not for the right reasons. I told her we had a year to finish the divorce and since this was a big big decision we were making shouldn't we at least take a month or two or three off from getting divorced since the court would give us up to a year without having to dismiss the case and start over to make sure we weren't making a mistake...and she showed no interest in that ...she thinks its all me trying to stall everything until she is weak at which time I try to slam dunk her.
#6 I sent her a text message asking her if she had eaten yet ...she responded that she had not and I asked if she wanted to check out this new restaurant and she said yes. hope that helps

[rogerrespondent]

bump

[Kimmie Lee]

No matter what happens, you deserve a fair settlement.

And as much as I love my WAH, I am never confused about the spousal support. It really is the pits when a spouse uses your love for them against you to screw you out of money and assets.

[NikB]

Hmmm what happened to your other thread/question in Piecing?

Would you like me to find and re-post those 10 tips here, or did you get a chance to save/print them?