i have been married for 15 yrs, she is 41,i am 43 with two kids. basically, i only have sex with my wife only when she wants to. the window of opportunity is only 7-12 days after her period. at that time she 's all lovey-dovey with me. after that window, it's over for the month. she won't do anything while she has her period, and then on the 13-14 day after her period, she goes into pms mode where i can't even discuss sex, or even try to fool around. so my sex schedule goes as follows: she gets her period for 4-5 days: no sex of anykind for those days; sex usually on the 7th-12th day--only once; can't have sex sun.-thurs. because it's a work-week; fri.'s are out because she's too tired from the work week; sat. is 50/50 depending upon the time of the month: if she is getting over her period, it's a go, if it's two weeks after her period, forget it. so basically i have realized that i get sex only once--maybe twice a month if i am so lucky! i truly still love and lust over my wife, but sex for her has become unimportant, and she doesn't see the way i feel. i have told her plenty of times over the years how i feel, but she usually says there's the door if you don't like it. i think it's time for councelling, which i know is long overdue, but does she or i need to see a sex therapist, or a marriage councelor? maybe i am still in overdrive and need another outlet to obsess over.
Who you need to see depends on why your W feels this way. Has she said? I would probably start with a M counselor who is M positive. He/She can refer you to a ST if necessary.
Is your W in good general health? Her hormone status may be involved, she may be peri-menopausal. She may need to address the PMS with her doc. She may be ticked off with you - any idea why?
Some of the guys here have learned a lot from a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy and works by David Deida. Generally, women aren't sexually attracted to tentative, polite guys. You have to be secure in the validity of your needs and act accordingly.
she has only said that she is normal, that there isn't anything wrong with her, that i live in a fantasy world, that thngs change, that sex isn't important anymore.
she is in very good health; no major problems. we/she thought that she may be peri-meopausal, but nothing was ever done about it. years ago, when i did complain openly and more often, she did say something about her lack of libido to her gynocologist and she wanted to put he on some anti-depressant pill, or something like that, and then she brought it up to another gyno in her practice,and he told her to just do it--like michelle says. she never followed his advice. i know that's all she needs to do, yet won't. i think and have told her that it's a power-play, that if she gives in to my sexual needs on a regular basis, then she will feel that she now loses her position as the "boss", making her feel weak. i know that her libido is dormant, that something needs to jump start it, but she won't do anything about it, nor try, nor listen to my angst and frustration, and needs. almost everytime after she has an orgasm, after finally getting her to have sex and it turns out explosive, she usually says, "i don't know why i never want to do this! there can't be many women having orgasms like this!" do you know how crazy i get when i hear this?! she doesn't have any problem having an orgasm, and once i finally get her started, it's usually very good-sometimes incredible going for 30-40 mins. maybe without intercourse, and she puts up these obstacles: didn't get enough sleep last night; kids pissed her off; thinking about work; just thinking about everything in general, yet not thinking about sex but everything else.
i don't think that she's angry at me. her mother died last year, and she took out all of her anger on me saying that she felt she couldn't talk to me because she felt that i wasn't there for her---which is a load of crap, because i am never anywhere else but by her side--and that's how she wants it. she always wants to do everything with me--except when she's pmsing. i even told her not to take a year off from work, because that's what she wanted to do after the loss, because of financial and emotional reasons, but she wouldn't listen, so i went out and took 2 other part-time jobs to fill in the financial gap--and still she never threw me a bone once in a while.
maybe i am too nice. i often say to myself that i am being taking for granted, that i need to do other things without her, that i need to go elsewhere with friends and show her that i am not a prisoner, but as i said to my friends, who are also in the same boat, that i have lost my way. i want to go back to the time when sex wasn't important, that just being with her was good enough, and i don't know what happened, how i have become obsessed with this anxiety. i say it's because in the beginning of our relationship, if we didn't have sex one night, i knew it was going to happen either the next day or soon after, that she also wanted me as much as i wanted her. now the problem is that i still want her as much as i did when we started dating, and she doesn't, and i no longer when i am going to have sex again, creating all of this angst, and frustration.
A lot of us would be pretty happy if we even got it once a month! Still I understand your frustration. You mentioned kids. My W pretty much won't consider ML if the kids are anywhere in the house. What happens if you guys get away alone for a weekend?
I am also intrigued by the premise of the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy", which I have yet to read. You are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. If you spend every free moment with her and "honey-do" every time she asks, you are perceived as being weak. But if I went golfing, skiing, bike-riding or poker-playing even one-tenth of the times I wanted to, I would catch he!! aplenty.
Also, look for "oases in the desert." You may have convinced yourself that 90% of the month is off-limits for ML. But your W is not a machine. She may be interested once in a while during the 90%, and you may not be watching for signs of interest because you are convinced that they couldn't be happening.
Your marriage isn't sexless yet, but the spigot may run dry soon. I know that whining doesn't work. I'm not sure, however, about what does work.
my wife will also not do anything because of the kids, therefore, being spontaneous is out.
the well is beginning to run dry. there is nothing to turn her on. when i do see signs and act upon them, it turns out to be a mirage. that's the most frustrating part of this: thinking i see signs, but they're nothing.
there is nothing i can do that can get her going. going away is not the answer, because the few times we have been alone in the house or away, all she wants to do is relax and not have to be bothered with sex. many people have told me to go away with her, but i already know that she would only want to do everything but have sex. then she'd say that i only wanted to go away to have sex and not really be with her.
i would also and have caught hell going out the few times every 3 or 4 months!! you would think that staying away would create a sexually need, but it doesn't.
i even tried to have sex this morning, and she wouldn't even think of it! she told me that she just wasn't in the mood--and it's been a month since we last did it!!! the point is that she doesn't even think twice about saying no!! she doesn't even think about how i am feeling or how long ago it was and maybe just maybe she should give herself up and do something nice for me!! that's all i want in life: the romance and sex i once had with her from the beginning, because i know that my sex drive is also going to be ending for me as well as i get older and i want to make the best of what is remaining, and realistically, i wish it already was over.
i feel that i already know what to do yet can't get myself to do it. i know that i should occupy my time doing things for me, and make time for myself without her, but then i start to think that if i just watch a movie with her that i am not even interested in i'll get laid, or maybe going to the store with her will get me something in return, but it doesn't: she is and knows she is in the driver's seat.
Not that I have figured this all out (I have posted a thread with some facts in common with yours), but one thing I have figured out is that, for the most part, the "if I do this, then she will want to bang me (or at least not say no)" mindset is a total failure. I actually said to my wife something along the lines of "you are smart and understand the basics of psychology so when you don't reward when I do nice things for you with a meaningful reward (ie. affection) and punish me by withholding rewards without regard for me doing nice things, does it make me more like to want to do nice things for you or less?" While I think she got it and it might have made her think about it, it had no effect on behavior.
Unfortunately, I have found that stopping the overly nice guy stuff is effective. Actually, what is even more effective is to GAL and mix in some of the nice guy stuff, not because you want a payback, but because you want to do something nice. It is like in the military where they first beat you down, then build you back up.
I will say, that even this hasn't made a huge difference in the amount of times we ml, but at least I do some things I want to do and feel occasionally like I even have my old "pair" back. This, in turn, gets rid of some of the anger and resentment I have.
You will catch some flack from your wife when you start to do this, but keep doing it. Trust me, the first time I told my wife I was going golfing after work and wouldn't be home until late, I caught the usual b*tching and pouting, at which point I would normally back down, but this time didn't. Eventually, it starts to have an effect.
PF
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
i understand and feel the same way, and i know that i need to break the habit of trying to do everything for her and the kids so i can get a reward. it never happens even when everybody tells her how lucky she is to have a husband like me! it has no affect whatsoever.
i was trying to join a band for about 2-3 years, but nothing ever panned out. i did notice how upset she got when i had to go downstairs into the basement to practice. she would say that the drums are replacing her, etc. she hated it. golfing is my next outlet, but i haven't had the time nor the money to play, but since she has gone back to work, i am plannning on golfing as often as possible this spring/summer.
it's just sad that all of this nonsense has to happen, that the most frustrating part of this whole thing is how they don't see it our way, and that they don't even want to try. that's what i was just telling my friend. it's also amazing how many men are out there with the same problem: adoring their wives, yet not getting anything in return, or only getting it when they want to give it.
I agree that it is sad, but it is what it is. I think the reality is that the fairy tale marriage that many of us have in our mind is an illusion. Even the couples that look like they are living it have their own issues, ours just happens to be this one.
BTW, when you pick up golf, start off taking lessons and take them, maybe one a week, all season. It sounds expensive, but golf is expensive and at least you will learn the right way and enjoy the game more. I spent all last summer trying to unlearn 20 years of bad habits.
PF
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Also, as for the "everyone tells her how lucky she is to have you" I often have thought about the same thing. I think that my wife takes that for granted and the GAL helps put that into perspective.
PF
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
that's the thing: we, as well as my friends, are all being taken for granted, and they are lucky they have us because we care and are responsible husbands! i am not saying that we are perfect--far from that, but there are far worse out there, and sometimes i think that a dose of reality would wake them up! they have also lost their way with us. do i want to live in a fantasy world? sure, but i know that it's not possible, but i would settle for something close to it--a quarter of it would be fine! that's the thing: everything is good in our marriage; it's the lack of sex that consumes everything.
the golfing advice is a good idea.
i also am talking to my friend about going on long rides to nowhere (he has a new suzuki bike, and i have a 1983 280zx) just to get away from them and show them that we don't need to be tied to them 24/7. he is having the same issues as us, yet a bit worse, because they seem to argue about everything. that's the thing with my wife and i: we get along fine; it's just the lack of sex that is distancing me from her. why should i do things with her if i am not going to get anything in return? i am not saying sex 24/7, just a little initiative on her part, some evidence that she still has a libido and it's for me rather for me to always be the one on the initiative--and i have tried everything to not initiate, to wait for her, to show her that i wasn't interested, and she basically knew what i was doing and it backfired in my face!
Still I understand your frustration.