Newly seperated- tell me what you think?

[hope2wrkitout]

Sorry this is such a sucky holiday season. It is for me as well. I am going through a very similar situation as many of you. Seven years ago today I got engaged and here we are now separated. We have been separated for 2 months and it has been difficult to say the least. Trixi's story touched me because we have very similar situations and sounds like husbands as well. When I read your posts it is like my own life. I have heard everything your husband has said from my own. It is like they got it from a book or something.

This is the second time we have gone down the separation road. The first time my husband said he wanted to separate was about 3 years ago. I did everything you are not supposed to do (I cried, I begged and I pleaded)... When I finally accepted it and started to come to grips with it he decided it was not what he wanted to do. I gave in and we continued on. I remember hurting so badly 3 years ago when this happened and I remember all the things that preceded the big separation talk. He was coming in very late, we stopped going out, the sex stopped and he was very distant. All the same behaviors I started to see this time. The difference is I went crazy before going through this and this time I couldn’t do it. When I started to see those same changes I confronted him and when he told me was not happy and he wanted to divorce when the lease was done I told him I am not going to wait around for the axe to fall. I told him to get his stuff and go. He fought me on it and he finally agreed to go live at his mom’s. We have had more than our share of ups and downs. There was some infidelity on his part (not sure if I forgave, but I was trying) and though I never cheated I played a part in the demise of my marriage as well. I accept the fault and blame for the things I have done, but I am not sure if he has truly accepted his part. I still think it is easier for him to blame me to make himself feel better.

Anyway, here is where I can use some advice or help. Even though I asked him to leave I still deeply love him and want my marriage to work. In the very beginning I did a bit of crying I tried to get him to talk about the R. He did not want to and pulled away more. I stopped that quickly. For the past month and a half I have been doing a very good job at going dark. If I call him at all it is only because of our son. I don’t talk about the R partially because I am afraid of his reaction and partially because I know we need much healing time (me included). I don’t think he wants to come back and right now it would be too soon. What I am wondering is – how do I know if this dark thing is working? The other day he came over and was incensed that I looked good and was going out. I immediately saw it in his reaction, but I also saw it in the days that followed. He called complaining about how I could look good now and not for him, how the house was clean, but it was never clean for him- blah, blah, blah. We talked about New Year’s Eve and I reminded him that it was his night so if he was going out get a sitter because I was not going to be available. He lost it. He tried to come at me with a bunch of foolishness about trying to set up custody plans and trying to outline what he should be financially responsible for when we do divorce and my response was simply “I don’t agree with divorce, I don’t believe in it, but if that is what you want to do then you need to address those things with your atty. At this point you agreed to pay the rent and you agree to have our son on certain days and I am expecting you to hold true to your word. I am not going to change anything at this point. I stressed again that I don’t want a divorce, but I was not going to be railroaded into any decision that has legal implications. When he gets his atty I will get mine and we can discuss legally. Otherwise I was not going to continue to have these conversations every other day.” He claimed he never knew that I did not believe in divorce and I never said that”. Moving on from that a few days later I called him about something with our son and he said he needed to talk. I told him I was not engaging in conversation about D or R and he told me it was not about that, but it had to do with it getting to be expensive driving back and forth. I told him we could discuss it though I knew my response was going to be that this is what divorce means. It is not cheap and it is not comfortable and since he is the one who wants it it is also not my problem. He never started the conversation again.

I saw him Friday at my son’s show and he whispered you look nice and put his arm around me. He looked lost without me. I think because usually when we are around other parents I do most of the talking. He only had his mom to talk to. Anyway, when I saw him again on Sunday (when he came to pick up my son) he was back to his crabby ways. He walked in the door said not one word to me grabbed my son and left. I thought maybe it was because I looked nice and he thought I was going out. I was not. I just got dressed and I do make it a point to look like my life is in tact. I have to be honest I have held it together pretty well. I am in school so that is a distraction and I have my son to think about.

I am just wondering if there any suggestions or thoughts that you have that can help me to continue DB and possibly make my marriage come together again. I am getting results from the 180 and I don’t regret asking him to leave. Our marriage needed to change; I was just hoping this would be a move for the better. Any thoughts from anyone out there would be appreciated.

Melissa

Married 6 years
Friends for more than 20 yrs
M 33
H 33
S 5

[Dom R]

Good morning (and merry Christmas!)

So, as promised, here's my thoughts

it sounds like overall, you are handling things fairly well. you're taking the situation seriously.. you're not panicing. you're taking care of yourself. you're sticking up for yourself. All good things in my book Especially since this is the second time he is bailing out of the marriage. it shows a lack of commitment on his part, which makes it doubly important for you to protect yourself.
However, you are still interested in having a good marriage with him, so now some comments for that

First, a general reminder, that a lot of people seem to need
"Doing 180s" is NOT the same as "going dark". Remember that it means, "doing 180 degrees different from things before [and seeing if they help]"

Some parts of your going dark/separation/... seem to at least be having an impact, in making him also take YOU seriously. that's a good thing. So, contrariwise, what you are doing, does seem to be "working", for now. I'm suggesting that, when and if you think it is appropriate, it may be ok to "soften" it a bit.

When you told him preemptively, "you were not engaging in conversation about D or R".. i'm not sure why you did that. If you just didnt feel like the hassle right then, i can understand. IF, however, you were saying it because of part of the DB book, that suggests, "dont do R talks"... I believe that is meant to mean, "dont *initiate* R talks". If they bring it up, in a positive manner, though, I dont think it's a bad thing. (in fact, if you're not bringing it up, then it's the only way you could eventually work things out? )



And my final comment:

He called complaining about how I could look good now and not for him, how the house was clean, but it was never clean for him- blah, blah, blah.

This, to me, seems like a major problem. On your side.

You mentally blew him off. When i believe he was actually attempting to meaningfully communicate to you.
Ok, he unfortunately was doing it in a non-positive, probably angry way. But the content of it, was important, I believe.
Generally speaking, people leave a marriage, because of "unmet needs" in the marriage.
TO put it in marriagebuilders terms... it sounds like some of his unmet needs may be: "domestic support" and "attractive spouse", to use their general terms.
Or, to put it in more specific terms for your marriage:
"you never clean the house", and "you dont put in the effort to look nice for him"

If you want a good marriage with him, then at some point, it's important for you to attempt to meet whatever needs he was missing in your marriage before now, yes?
Taking an objective step back, would you say that those two could really be (at least part of) what he was missing?

If so... when you feel up to it.. you might even apologise to him for not putting in more effort in those areas in the past. That doesnt mean you are grovelling, or begging him back, or anything. It's just an apology for past behaviour that you believe was poor, if thats how you feel.