Just bought a 1 way non-refundable ticket to Dtown

[drz]

SirPrizeMe,

Your posting rings so true. I haven't posted over the last few days, because I've been trying to focus on GALling, but I had to respond to your stark truth .

My W has had an affair (thereby breaking the most sacred vows), she's still at home in a very disconnected way (she spends a lot of the time in the bathroom texting on her mobile phone, and goes out often with new friends), and I sit here thinking "What am I doing?", and "Is she about to have a string of affairs stretching to my grave?"

The only thing that keeps me going in my deepest, darkest and loneliest moments (these moments are so suffocating that I literally can't breath and living for a blank future becomes a struggle), is a feeling of compassion for my W (or is that ex-W?). I believe she's lost, confused, and in a terrible place. All her dreams have evaporated in her middle-age, and her rage and partying is simply a defense mechanism.

She might not be in a position to honour her vows, but maybe I am? Maybe being there for her will be the "ultimate sign of true love". These are idealistic, and potentially naive, notions, and I often wonder whether they are simply hiding my fear and weakness of facing a divorce. Rather than dwell on the madness, I'm trying to focus on myself, and hope divine intervention will lead our family to a better place. In fact, I believe we need to learn from our WASs and start being more selfish in our living. However the LBS still has most of their moral compass intact (despite the continuous negativity), and hopefully can go on a healthy path of self-discovery rather than destruction.

We all say we love our WASs, we all say we would do anything to save our marriages. But would we? Isn't the ability to put aside our own hurt and ego, and see our WAS's point of view a more appropriate definition of love? Isn't love about putting others before yourself? Obviously a healthy relationship (like our old marriages, and like our even better futures) allows you to get something back which nourishes you.

I'm going to try for the sake of my daughters, and my W to keep going. I pray I have the strength to get to my "fairytale ending", but if I don't then I'll hope to have become a better human and have been enriched by the experience.

Today I feel tired and lonely. I'm at work and wish I could look forward to going back to some affection. I'll break out of this gloom, but I never knew life would be this hard.

Regards,
drz

[Hurtin4certain]

So.. started a new job today. LOVE IT! My new boss is awesome, the benefits are astounding and the pay a significant increase.

Not much has changed in my sitch, hence the lack of journaling during the last week.

My wife still wants to get back together, even started talking about "where are we going to live?" etc. She even talked about renewing our vows at some point and wanted to know if I wanted anymore children. Great news!

On the other hand, OM is still living there but he sleeps in his own room. In fact, my wife has starting sleeping with our daughter for some reason in her room. Im guessing she is doing that so I wont be suspicious if she is still being intimate with OM.

Its weird because she will contact me constantly for a few days and then back off, eerily similiar to our sitch in August right before I found out about OM and her moving him in.

The last few days there has been minimal contact and I do not initiate any contact (I told her I wouldnt as long as OM was around). Basically I try and mirror the attention she gives me. If she is affectionate, Im affectionate. If she is serious, Im serious.

OM was supposed to move out on the 15th, then she said it should be this Friday. The waiting for him to be gone is killing me, Im scared that this will drag on for weeks or even months. I need him to move away so I can have closure and begin to heal, as long as he is there, I constantly wonder if she is serious about us. I cant fully commit myself to us if he is still there.

Any advice?

[Hurtin4certain]

Another dip in the roller coaster...

My daughter told me that OM doesnt sleep with W anymore but one morning she woke up and W's bra and underwear were in the living room next to OM's boxers.

I so wanna blow up on her. All this time she's been telling me she wants to renew her vows to me, have another child, not sleeping with OM etc. Now this.

I know Im emotional right now, but Im so tempted to tell her to F off and that I dont want her anymore.

Help!

[NewHorizons]

H4C,
Actions, not words. Quit trying to fill in the blanks. Underwear on the floor? GMAB! Unless you actually see things with your own eyes quit making up scenarios. Be cautious about her until OM goes away, permanently, but don't let your imagination or innuendo get away with you. For all you know she went to bed earlier than him, dropped her bra and he pulled off his shorts later. See, I can make up scenarios too. He could have put them out as well.

All you know is that he's still there. Until he's gone most things will just have to wait.

NH

[ntl]

My daughter told me that OM doesnt sleep with W anymore but one morning she woke up and W's bra and underwear were in the living room next to OM's boxers.

Criminy. H4C, it's time for you to set some boundaries, my friend. Being a LBS AND a doormat does not become any of us.

IMO, if she is serious about you two getting back together, she needs to do something immediately:

1) OM has to GO. NOW. Not tomorrow, not the day after, NOW. Or, if he can't get out this minute, she has to. She has to cut the contact and never speak/see/interact with him again. PERIOD. No ifs/ands/buts.

If she's not serious, if she's just stringing you along, you tell her the above, and you'll find out mighty quick.

You do you...be strong, GAL, work at your great new job, but don't let her drag you this "I want you back" bullchit while she sleeps with some other guy.

I'm pulling for you!!

Regards,

ntl

[Hurtin4certain]

Well the reason I say that is because the living room in her house is downstairs next to his bedroom. Her bedroom is upstairs next to our daughters.

Why would her bra and panties and his boxers be laying around downstairs?

[Michael Mc C]

Where's the laundry room, or where is laundry folded in the house?

H4C it really could be anything and yes, it could be that she is continuing to sleep with OM. The problem is you can't be sure. It's conjecture at this point.

I thought he was leaving on Friday. Has that happened?

[Hurtin4certain]

He was "waiting on some money to leave" but that has yet to arrive. She told me this morning he is trying to find a place to live but has no where to go. Time to detach, again.

[Yoyowife]

H4C,
Of course the most logical thing would be to confront your wife about your findings, but we know that you can't do that because you don't want to get your daughter involved anymore in this mess than she already is.

I do think you need to set boundaries though. You need to tell your W until OM moves out you don't see anyway that your relationship can proceed with her. Why can't she just stay with you and let him take over the apartment? Is the lease in her name? Can she break the lease?

I see only two options: he leaves or she moves elsewhere. Why must they always worry about the OP so much? Their loyalties should be with their families, but unfortunately we know that the OP somehow develops a very strong bond to them. Sometimes it seems that it is much stronger than the marital bond.

It seems that she has been the one pursuing you, so I think you can get tougher with your boundaries. Perhaps you can tell her until he is out of the house you intend on keeping your relationship on platonic level, that you will only communicate with her concerning daughter. Do this in a firm, but loving way.

I think tough love is the best route to take with her.

[Hurtin4certain]

So... I guess she isnt coming over after all. She told me she would be over at my house after work, she got off at 2pm.

She was texting me earlier saying that I was trying to control her by asking about OM and why he was still there. She said I had to put myself in her shoes, Umm ok.

I told her this is getting old. She then said the only reason I tried to get custody of D was because I didnt have control over her moving OM in to her house. Ummmm hello? SHe was keeping our D up at night having sex. Partying on school nights, smoking in the house, any of that ring a bell?

I simply responded, "Wow. Just wow."

I then told her we needed to talk on the phone and that it was urgent. She never responded, that was 6 hours ago.

Part of me thinks she is trying to bait me into a fight because she might be trying to patch things up with OM. Just my .02