Need to ask about the "Fog" of people in affairs

[GainingStrength]

I need to hear from about the Fog that people get into when they are in affairs because I just don't quite understand it. I've read articles about it, which are helpful as far as they go. However, as much as I've learned over the last five months, I can't understand how an otherwise normal person can become so alien.

A little background: My WAW dropped the bomb on me on 7/6/07. I moved out a week later. Below is a sample of some of her behavior as described in some of my postings:

8/1/07:

W's grandmother died yesterday (long expected) and her mother and aunts arranged the funeral for Monday to accommodate family coming from out of state, etc. Her mother called me first, so I told her I would change my plans for SeaWorld and bring our kids to the funeral. All of this really pissed W off because that's half of her planned romantic weekend with OM, and also she wasn't in on the decision re the kids. I told her calmly that it was my day to have the kids so it was my decision. She backed off, but she did say "I don't know why I should go to this funeral. Nana never did much for me when she was alive."

10/04/07:

My wife is still a "drug addict" addicted to the endorphins from her affair, although she gets angry when I call it that. Funny, she used to lovingly call me her "rock". Then she turned 40, dropped the bomb, and told me she didn't need a rock anymore. Now she needed to "dance", and I wasn't a dancer. Now, she sleeps in our marriage bed with her “dancer”, just down the hall from our daughter.

The above is just the tip of the iceberg. I think you get what she has become. My question is how does a previously caring person become so self-centered, egocentric, and callous? How do they lose all decency and common sense? How does one convince themselves that what they are doing is justified? Also, what happens to make them come out of the fog and does remorse ever set in?

Any insights would be much appreciated.

[Michael Mc C]

All I can say is that your W is exhibiting the normal foginess that we've all seen to some degree. The why's and how's aren't easily determined. The choices that they make are no longer meshing with the way the spouse used to act, think and respond. That's the whole alien part.

My W has acted very irrationally over the past months and it just boggles my mind. She has come right out and told me that she was being selfish, she knew she was going to hurt the kids and friends and family and that it was something she just had to do.

She feels that she has sacrificed so much of her life to make others happy that she is now taking the opportunity to do something for herself.

I've seen her coming out of the fog but only when OM was out of the picture for a while. As soon as he came back, all progress was shot and the fog was thicker than ever before.

[chocolateeyes]

GS,

Google "PEA". It's all about the brain chemicals. The only thing that will END it, is total withdrawal from the source of the high. Complete no-contact, and SHARP withdrawal will take 3-4 weeks, and she won't be completely over him for about 4-6 months. And ANY contact will re-set the clock to 0:00.

My wife's most outlandish comment was, when told by her father that her mother had been sobbing all day over her daughter's affair, said "Well, tell her that she needs to get over it."

Nice, huh.

Choc.

[Michael Mc C]

Wow Choc. That's right on the money with what happened here. Oct 22nd W's OM walked away. It took just about 4 weeks before things became pleasant around here. We started goofing around together, flirting, kissing. It almost felt normal. At the end of the 4th week he made contact and she was gone completely - told me everything that had occurred in the past week was a lie and that she was just trying to be normal again.

OM is gone again (for now anyway) but she has worked so hard to fulfill her prophecy that I wonder if there's any chance. She has a new support network - her brother overseas whom she hasn't seen since she was a kid (and whom I've never met in 20 years), a friend who had a similar situation and people online that she has known for less than a year. These new friends support her and tell her what she needs to hear. They give her the validation she needs to remain in her fog, even without OM around.

[NoCodeBlues]

Google "PEA". It's all about the brain chemicals.

Wow, Choc. Is that what they mean when they talk about a "PEA-soup fog"?

[GainingStrength]

Choc and Michael - I agree. When my W was away from the OM, she would briefly come out of the fog and return to the W and mother I knew. Then, when she saw him again, she would dive back in and again become callous, cruel and willing to do anything to keep that drug high. These WAS's are true drug addicts, except their drugs are internally-induced brain chemicals (e.g. dopamine etc.).

Then, they build up a support system of people who will validate them, new memories of good times with the OP, and altered memories of how "bad" it was with their spouses. My W filed for divorce, went on trips with the OM, got engaged, is converting to Catholicism (his religion), and has detailed plans to get married in May. She also plans to reverse her tubal ligation so she can have children with him (he's never been married). She also has the same attitude that anyone hurt by this should just "get over it." They are so sweet.

Eventually, the drugs wear off and they come out of the fog. By then, it's often too late because too much damage has been done.

[GainingStrength]

Oct 22nd W's OM walked away. It took just about 4 weeks before things became pleasant around here. We started goofing around together, flirting, kissing. It almost felt normal. At the end of the 4th week he made contact and she was gone completely - told me everything that had occurred in the past week was a lie and that she was just trying to be normal again.

The influence of an OP is insidious and long-lasting. They can be away and the spouse reconnects, but when the OP comes back they dive right back into the fog and any connection with the LBS is immediately denied. This is truly the rollercoaster from hell and we have to stay off of it.

It may be that the only solution is to separate physically so they can be with the OP full time. That has a way of turning their fantasy relationship into cold fogless reality.

[Tostada]

I'm sure this question has come up many times..sorry for doing it on your thread...just wanted some veteran advice. I'm over on newcomers...but my W confirmed the EA last night. I had much proof anyway, but she confirmed she liked this guy and said she didnt know how he felt about her....

apparently I'm being served D papers next week.

Since I'm new to this....I know she will continue to distance herself from me as long as EA exists. Is it o.k. to contact OM and let him know I am aware, I'd like him to end it somehow, or I'll let his wife know?

[Michael Mc C]

Is it o.k. to contact OM and let him know I am aware, I'd like him to end it somehow, or I'll let his wife know?

I would not say that it is "okay" to make contact as a general rule - it is something that you would need to decide on AND understand the possible consequences for doing it. I contacted W's OM on the same day that I confronted her with the proof. She was aware of what I was doing as well.

Things were already very ugly that day. I didn't care how she reacted at that point - as far as I was concerned I wanted her out of my house. Things did not continue down that path, thankfully.

Contacting the OP can be the worst thing you do as it could drive the wedge between you and your spouse deeper in my opinion. If the OM doesn't care one way or the other, or if he's not aware that your W is married, contact MAY dissuade him but I wouldn't count on it. Just know that it is may be thought of as controlling.

And if OM is married he may just not care if his W knows.

I'm sorry I'm not really answering your question. In the end you need to decide on your own based on what risks you're willing to take.