If you cannot forgive him then this is pointless. If you cannot forgive him then trust is a moot point.
Rebuilding that trust is hard.
Rebuilding trust is like Charlie Brown trying to kick that football Lucy always holds...
It sucks, it goes against everything you have learned in dealing with the MLCer.
It is easier to trust a stranger.
I think you handled your talk very well.
You need to figure out if you can forgive him before you determine if you can trust him, because the reality is...trust? He isn't even close to being trustworthy right now.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
[quote=Jack_Three_Beans]The bump indicates you want someone to reply.[quote]
Isn't that why we are all here-for feedback?
[quote]Rebuilding that trust is hard. [quote]
He isn't even asking me to trust him...you're right that he isn't even close to being trustworthy. But he said to me "I can just see you throwing this back in my face during every argument for the rest of our lives"....So, it gets put back on me again. does anyone else see that? It's not "I will work on you being secure enough that you can trust me again". Instead it's as if he is saying "You're going to do THIS to ME again". He can only see how it will effect HIM.
Having him in this house today just made my stomach twisted. I couldn't wait for him to leave. Even though I knew he was meeting her.
Me:45 H: 45 M: 14 yrs T: 16 yrs D's: 7/11 Bomb: June '07 Moved out: Sept.'07
I got a loooooong email from H this morning. I sent him something from someone elses thread called "MLC for Dummies" and told him that this one hits the nail on the head. It's a sarcastic look from the MLCers side of things. In that thread everyone was debating whether or not to send it to their spouse and I just decided to do it-figured what the hell.
His response was unreal. He said that he can't deny it anymore, that much of what it says is true. He realizes that now and apologized for many of the things that he has done and gave specifics.
On Christmas when I set him free I had said to him that if he would just try he could have it all. He said that that had a big impact on him that day but said in the email that because of PA he has messed that up pretty good now.
He said that I was right about so many things and that he was sorry. This was all in the email-I haven't heard those words pass his lips yet. He said he was sorry for having taken so long to tell me all of these things.
After reading the many stories of others here i am so skeptical. Even in that "MLC for Dummies" piece it says that the mlcer will do this and fall right back into their old ways. I don't know if I'm up for it.
My response to his email? I wrote "Meanwhile, you still work next to her every day, take coffe breaks together, see each other outside of work, and just to throw it all in my face, you still park next to each other. You said when you left in Sept. that we would all adjust and you were right. The girls and I are fine. It's nice not having any stress and pessimism in the house. I'm sorry if that hurts you. I hope you do get help, but at this point, you need to do it for yourself-not for me."
It really IS when you let go that they come running back, isn't it? Now, I don't know if I want him.
Me:45 H: 45 M: 14 yrs T: 16 yrs D's: 7/11 Bomb: June '07 Moved out: Sept.'07
WOW! It sounds like he is asking for forgiveness and doesn't really know what is going on with his life...typical MLC...
Do not tell him it is too late just so he comes running back, it could always have the opposite effect and he may think he doesn't have a chance so why bother trying!
The one thing that DB has taught me is to NOT say anything I don't mean!! Even now with H back home I am very careful not to say things I don't mean even if I am really angry with him.
If you have really Let Go then what he does/thinks/feels should not matter to you unless it revolves around your daughters. can you honestly say that is how you feel?
It really IS when you let go that they come running back, isn't it? Now, I don't know if I want him.
Yes. As to if you want him. I would wait to decide that when he is him. My H has been so strange during his affair. He is still with OW, but I see small bits of his old self. I have decided to wait and see if he... 1. ends the affair. 2. learns from it. 3. wants to work on a better marriage.
Then I will decide if I still love him. Right now he is not very lovable.
Thank you all for your thoughts. I have wanted him back for so long and that is what have been working on since June. But lateley, during the holiday season I have been thinking about all of the things that he has said to me in anger. I am remembering all of the times that he has spoken to me that way over the years and I have to wonder, is this really worth fighting for? Do I really want to get back together for the sake of the girls. They seem really well adjusted. There is no anger in the house. We are really fine without him. Financially it will be difficult if we get legally separated, but if I stay with him just so he will support us, what does that say about me?
Once I let him go, I have felt calmer. I don't check his cell phone bill activity anymore. I don't call his sister and press her for info anymore. I can be in the house alone while he has the kids and I don't sit and cry like I used to. I look at him and think that I may have a better life without him. He hasn't treated me with respect for YEARS!!! He spoke to his friends and strangers with more respect than he EVER did with me. He was never abusive, but he also wasn't kind. I have had a very difficult medical history (thyroid cancer, miscarriage, back surgery) and I felt that he was never THERE for me. Physically he was, but emotionally he left me cold. During my first pregancy I asked him to not drink along with me, since I, of course, could not and he laughed and said "yeah, right!" He doesn't get drunk every night- but the night I went into labor he was toasted. He fell asleep while timing my contractions. I threw the watch at him and made him take a shower before driving me to the hosptial! Lovely memory of my first pregnancy, right?
I guess if I've lost that fight in me, I shouldn't be on this board, huh?
Thanks, Gin
Me:45 H: 45 M: 14 yrs T: 16 yrs D's: 7/11 Bomb: June '07 Moved out: Sept.'07
Deciding if you want to be married to the MLCer is yet another rock in your shoe.
I mean why should you? You have grown, you're a better person right? You have dealt with all this crap, and looking back on your marriage it really doesn't seem like it was worth it.
Not for everything the MLCer put us through...
So do you have good memories? Do you actually love your H? Did you?
What happened to that, and those? Has your anger and indignation removed those?
Has your anger turned into a sword rather than a shield?
Give yourself some time before you commit to a course of action.
You may feel that it has been a long time, or that your firm with how you feel today, but allow yourself some time.
Monumental decisions should made with the careful understanding that this will affect you for a long time.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
