The End or just the Beginning? Part 2

[smith18]

Atlas -

I am at the same point as you - there is no taking my W back as I know she will continue with her unfaitful crazy behavior.

You are doing the right thing.

From everything you have written, I can tell you are such an honorable and good man. Your W does not deserve someone like you. I hope that post marriage life with your ex-W goes well and that you find that special someone that can be your loving companion for life.

Good Luck.

Kerry

[Just_Me]

Atlas,

I'm sorry to see that your wife wasn't seriously interested in making it work.

I think you did the right thing. The DB process is mainly about working on making the most of yourself, and that's what you have done. At a certain point, like you discovered and many don't understand in the beginning, you have to actually try to find out if your spouse is even capable of supporting your growth. You could lower yourself to her level and maybe even make it work for awhile, but you can't continue to grow as a person and expect her to add anything to your life. She's an impediment to making the most of your life. It sucks when you have feelings for someone, but she's like the cigarettes, you have to give her up (and them) because neither one of them actually makes life better...they are just something you crave. I don't believe that it's necessarily over forever, your wife could surprise you by actually working on her issues, but how long can you put your life on hold waiting for something that isn't likely to happen. She might make an effort for awhile and then just fall back into her learned pattern of behavior.

[Puddle]

Hey Atlas,

Just catching up with you. I'm (partly) sorry that it worked out this way; your W clearly isn't ready to change her life, may never walk a different path. You've made some huge strides for yourself and deserve to be proud.

When I read your description of the talk with W when you found out about the new OM and told her you were moving on, I had the sense that you were calm and solid. That makes me think that rather than a decision you're trying to justify, it came from the heart. I think you knew it was coming, and you were prepared.

Talking to friends who try to talk you out of your decision can be a frustrating exercise, but an incredibly useful one. I find that the more certain I am of my choices, the less their arguments bother me. Feeling anxious and frustrated talking to them is a signal, for me, that I need to look a little deeper. It doesn't mean I change my mind, but it helps me to gain clarity for myself. On the other hand, if the discussion isn't basically supportive, I can do without it.

Take care, Atlas. It's a long road, and you're doing great.

[Atlas]

I'm sorry to see that your wife wasn't seriously interested in making it work.

As am I, but those goes without saying.

I think you did the right thing.

Thank you for the support, it is very difficult. But W has been enabled with this behavior her entire life. I looked back and realized that she has always ran from her R's. While she started the running on this one, she seems very surprised that I've turned my back and walked away. Maybe, I can only hope, that I'm actually helping her. For now she will have to face herself without that support structure. But most likely she will build another false support structure around her.

The DB process is mainly about working on making the most of yourself, and that's what you have done.

And continue to do. It is always about personel growth and experiance. Life is so meant to be enjoyed, but it isn't a kegger either, which is W's view. That leads to no where land. We see these people every day, and they are always baffled why they can't get ahead in life, why they are skipped over at work, why things don't work at as planned. They never grasp the concept of goals, achievment and success. Those are all defined differently be each of us, but W is searching for love, and has nothing but sexual liasons and will only end up on more drugs, probably with STD's and a said hard life with health issues. Thats a bummer, but I can't help or support her as a friend if that is what she chooses to do.

At a certain point, like you discovered and many don't understand in the beginning, you have to actually try to find out if your spouse is even capable of supporting your growth. You could lower yourself to her level and maybe even make it work for awhile, but you can't continue to grow as a person and expect her to add anything to your life. She's an impediment to making the most of your life.

That is exactly DB in a nutshell! Unfortunetly, after standing back, I have realized that she is a negative in my life. She has chastitized me for my career choices, goal setting, even putting together budgets. Maybe I am too structured, however she is too loosy goosey. I've made so much progress after moving her out of the way, that I'm actually surprising myself, and I like the results. I also know that someone else will appreciate them as well.

It sucks when you have feelings for someone, but she's like the cigarettes, you have to give her up (and them) because neither one of them actually makes life better...they are just something you crave. I don't believe that it's necessarily over forever, your wife could surprise you by actually working on her issues, but how long can you put your life on hold waiting for something that isn't likely to happen. She might make an effort for awhile and then just fall back into her learned pattern of behavior.

Damn smokes. Well I made a new friend who is a doc, and he is kicking my back side for those. So chantrix will be coming soon. I'm back in the gym and on the bike, can't keep both sides of that equation working, either get healthy or smoke, same as get her out of the way or be miserable waiting.

As for W, I love her dearly. I feel more sorry for her than anything, because I truly believe she is sick, the dopamine from hiding the secret sex life is too much for her to overcome. But I have a firm foundation in God, I pray often and read a lot, but while I don't necessarily attend a particular faith, I find it comforting. I know that if W were to turn her life towards God, things could change for her. I hope she finds that peace one day, but until then, she won't be able to straighten her life out.

Everyone thank you for the support. This site is truly amazing. If your a newcomer, you have to listen to what the veterans are telling you. I didn't get any of this, until I was pissed off, that I went dark not as a test with W, but for my own sanity. It's about believing in yourself and that you will be OK, and trust me, you will be OK. I went through weeks without eating, drinking heavily, losing weight and basically killing myself off. Well that got me no where, so take care of yourself, and live your life. This person isn't oxygen, they are a person only. It hurts to be stabbed in the back, but as if life and it may not kill you.

"Et tu, Brute?"

[mako]

I like the cigarettes analogy. It seems a lot of us here, especially at the start, are addicted to our WAS. It makes sense, they were a huge part of our life, and all of a sudden they are gone, so we go through withdrawal from missing them, we see only the positives of our M and dismiss the negatives, feel we can't live without them, etc.

At some point we come to the conclusion that we really don't need our WAS to be happy and we can move on with our lives. Sometimes we even see that staying in the marriage would impede our happiness if the WAS isn't willing to change. This to me is the key to all of this: breaking the addiction and knowing that we can be happy no matter what happens. This isn't to say that I or Atlas or any of us should necessarily close the door, if once we step back we see that our WAS truly is someone that could be a positive in our lives...but we have to reach the point where it truly is our decision as well as theirs, and we have to make the decision without being clouded by that addiction. I'm glad to see Atlas that you seem to have overcome the addiction, and are able to make this tough decision that being with W is not going to be a positive in your life. Knowing what you do now about your W and about yourself, seeing it from a clear point of view, I think you know that what you are doing is the right thing for you, and I commend you for knowing that.

[ann25]

Hey atlas.

I can't imagine how hard it was to deal with all the paperwork and then wondering if you are doing the right thing. I'm pretty sure you know you are, but it's easy to doubt yourself when you make that kind of decision...

It's amazing how your actions to protect yourself can change other people (like your friend). with any luck, at least you and W will be good friends one day and hopefully, this can be a turning point in her life as well.

I hope you're going to hang around, I see you having some wonderful advice for newcomers... (for example)

take care of yourself, and live your life. This person isn't oxygen, they are a person only. It hurts to be stabbed in the back, but as if life and it may not kill you.

[Atlas]

I picked up S last night for the weekend and W must have gotten the settlement agreement. She looked like she had been crying most of the day, and was very cold. She didn't acknowledge getting it, and I didn't ask.

Of course since she didn't bring it up, I went through the scenerio of what if she doesn't sign, etc...Either way, it really doesn't matter, because I have no problem going forward now.

As part of my personal inventory I have come to realize that the person she is now, is a volitile element in my life. Since I have dropped the rope and moved on, my life has improved so much. I know this is upsetting her and feeding her anger even more, but I'm done feeling sorry for myself and for her and my life just keeps improving.

The other night a friend who has been debating getting back with his ex gf for some time, was reading some book about too good to leave too bad to stay. So we went through and did the questions, I answered them from two standpoints, the R I had with W, and the person W is now. It was pretty interesting, because if you can't answer every single question, there are like 15 or so, then you should really consider running from the R. Even when things were good, I could only answer about 2/3's in the positive. Pretty insightful.

S is sick, so we spent the night in, did some Thomas the train, played with some other toys from x-mas and just having a good time. I feel bad for him, he asks questions, and knows something isn't right. It is truly sad that an almost 3 year old has to learn that life isn't fair or always easy at such an age. But as his Dad, I'm going to make sure he has the best life possible.

[blindsided1]

You sound like a great Dad, Atlas. I worry about what kind of Dad my H will be. I worry that he will quit our child like he has quit everything in his life. It's true that he has a self defeating personality. He gets really close to obtaining a goal and then runs from it. It's always been that way, school, work, us, our family. I'm sad that my child may not have the chance at an intact family.

I'm sorry your son is sick. I hope he is feeling better soon. Isn't strange how the shoe is on the other foot now with your W? I haven't read all of your thread, skimmed through a lot of it, though. I'm sure you had periods where you felt like your W was moving farther and farther away from you. How did you handle that? And, did she eventually move closer again. This is how I'm feeling as of late.

Have a great day with your son.

[Atlas]

You sound like a great Dad, Atlas.

Thanks, but I haven't always been. I was finishing up a lot of graduate school his first two years. It was difficult to spend time with him, much less even my W. Part of the problem. I actually have a pretty flexible schedule now, and left early Thursday to get him from daycare and take him home and take care of him. So it is much easier now to give him the attention he deserves.

I worry about what kind of Dad my H will be. I worry that he will quit our child like he has quit everything in his life. It's true that he has a self defeating personality. He gets really close to obtaining a goal and then runs from it. It's always been that way, school, work, us, our family. I'm sad that my child may not have the chance at an intact family.

I have never understood this in people. I'm a pretty hard goal setter and go after what I want. But ultimately it his choice to participate in your childs life or not. However, the intact family is up to you, and that doesn't mean finding someone, but just being the best single mother or in a new R, or with your H if she so chooses, but it is up to you. So don't worry about it, you will do great.

Isn't strange how the shoe is on the other foot now with your W?

I guess it should be, but it isn't. She has known for some time what I was expecting. I probably did push too hard, but she would also ask what we could do, and I talked about IC, MC, Retro, etc...but she never took a single action step. She kept having sex with other people, going out clubbing, and pretty much doing things I don't agree with. So I got sick and tired of waiting for a change and I'm sick of her blaming me for her problems. I've taken responsibility on my end, have been doing C'ing, stopped drinking, working out, building my career...etc. I gave her a very sincere apology a while ago and it was accepted. So I have moved on.

I'm sure you had periods where you felt like your W was moving farther and farther away from you. How did you handle that?

It was actually really difficult. W has never been outside a R for as long as I can remember. So when she started her first A, she was still around the house all the time. She would be nonstop tm'ing him. I kept my mouth shut, but it infuriated me. I would just walk away and go do something else. Eventually, my life had become suck a wreck I went dark for my own sanity. We went a few months without talking whatsoever. TM'ed when it came to our S. This helped me tremendously, I found I could and did live without her, and it was a dead R.

And, did she eventually move closer again.

She did. When she came back and started hanging out again, she was severly depressed. What I didn't know is she almost immediately returned within a day or two of being dumped by the first OM. She had lied and said it had been some time, but I found out later it hadn't. For weeks she was over all the time, calling, texting me. But no real effort on her part to reconnect as a spouse. It became more and more frustrating as she would ask for back rubs, foot rubs, spend the night on the couch, etc...but she would never touch me. She would take verbal jabs whenever she could fit one in. I thought I would pull back and let her see that I wasn't going to be a doormat. She immediately went back to her old behaviors. She isn't seeing anyone in particular right now, but does bring diffrent men to her apartment for sex. Not something I will or have to accept. So I pushed a R talk, and I'm sure she felt like she could call my bluff again. I had bluffed too many times prior, but I was ready now. Well know she is really upset, but I'm going forward with it.

It's not like she doesn't know what she would have to do to begin a resolution of our issues and to rebuild, but she won't and can't swallow her pride. I've learned from these boards and from a new network of friends, haven't really had a lot of close friends in a long time due to school and moving constantly, but there are women out there that are responsible and would appreciate what I am and have to offer. So why get stepped all over?

My W's self worth is wrapped up in attention and sex from men. Even last night when I showed up to pick up S, she was dressed up for clubbing and looked like a hussy. She has changed her hair, clothes and everything, and it all screams available for a one night stand. She claims to have found her center and self esteem, but someone with those qualities doesn't act that way.

When you really start living for you, and work on yourself, you will see how much there is too life. You don't have to live under this oppression of fear and loathing and stop DB'ing. But continuous dwelling on them only makes matters worse.

You know, they are a drug addict, they are addicted to the dopamine for what they are doing. It is exciting and when we chase and plead, it always the release to continue. The LRT is what you would do if your H was addicted to any other drug, so I found it very effective to quit enabling my W, and helping myself. Those are her behaviors, and we are responsible for our own, not theirs. Only you can let them hurt you.

[ann25]

Hey atlas. You sound like you are at such a good place. I'm happy for you. I know that probably seems odd given the sitch, but really, i am. I've been reading along with you for a while and I've never seen you in this place with this attitude. Maybe one day W will make all the changes in the world and you guys could start over, maybe you'll find some wonderful new woman or maybe you'll just be an awesome single dad for a while. No matter what, i know you'll make the best of it.

Hope the little guy gets better.